To insist DC get christened even though it will cause huge fight in my marriage?

[probabyam]

Before we got married/had kids we didn't really talk about religion much. Neither of us go to church, however both have been christened. I'm Irish so went to a Catholic school and although we didn't really go to church as a family it was part of my life. DH was christened (Protestant) but actively anti any religion/thinks it's all mental.

When we got engaged I liked the idea of a church wedding but he was very against it so as it wasn't as if I attended church I didn't really feel I could insist and we had a lovely wedding we both loved, no regrets/issues.

Have had two DC, now ages 2 and 4. I would have liked to get them christened as babies (having godparents for them is something I would have liked) but DH against and again I wasn't bothered enough to push.

Now I feel like I wish we had got them christened. Most of my friends children have been christened (though none seem to attend church regularly). Part of me just likes the idea of godparents but another bit of me has a worry like a what if kind of thing, we're both christened why aren't they!
DH still massively against but yet again it seems to be a thing where the person who doesn't want it gets their way (another example is wanting more kids).

Anyway not sure that makes sense but are your kids christened and if so, do you go to church/mass?

YABU - you don't seem that bothered and your DH has been consistent in his views which you have always known about.

I used to go to church when I was younger (CofE if it matters) because my Grans were religious - I am both Christened and confirmed.

I stopped going to church when I was about 10/11.

I don't believe in god. When I got married, we did so in a hotel. My DC are not christened.

I know 1 family, who are catholic, who go to church every week and religion is very important to them.

I know 1 family who go to church as their son is a good singer and that church has a good choir.

I know a few other families who got their DC christened to get them into certain schools. They are not religious. They might attend church up until school admissions but then stop after that.

The vast majority of families in GB do not christen their DC.

So let's get this right.

OP and her partner are not at all religious and have a great relationship that has nothing to do with religion. OP and partner decide to get married and despite not being relgious OP wants a religious wedding, but DP is firmly against the idea (presumably because he is a firm atheist or hates organised religion or something).

OP did not see his firm beliefs as a deal-breaker and got married and had two kids with him, and now wishes to get DP to abandon his beliefs.

Probably a terrible example, but, OP, how would you feel in the following circumstance? In the early days of dating DP suggests anal sex. You say no, you're not into it. A few dates later he asks again. You say no, not happening, please don't ask again. You end up getting married and five years in DP is on dadsnet moaning that you're never up for a bit of anal. Pretty sure that mumsnetters would not have a lot of sympathy with your DP.

Also, godparents are a meaningless thing, IMHO, and certainly don't need to be done "officially". If you have good friends or family who would be good in the role presumably hey will be good for your kids irrespective of the role? And if you really want them to have the role just ask them and give it to them. FWIW I can't even remember who my god-father is (or even if I have one), and my god-mother is someone I have never felt any sort of bond with whatsoever. Just not my kind of person. Her only role in my life was that every few months as a kid my parents and me and my sibling would go over to theirs and have a boring and crap time... until I was old enough to refuse to go.

Do you worry about what will happen to them if they are not christened @probabyam ? Because of your religion, however vestigial?

if so, could you have them christened quietly with no “occasion”?

Massively unreasonable.

1. you knew how he felt about this.
2. you seem to have no real reason for wanting them christened other than liking the thought of godparents and some vauge "what if" (what do you mean with this?!). And maybe some weird kind of comparison with your friends?
3. you don't take part in any religious activties yourself

But don't take my word for it:

www.statista.com/statistics/369110/church-of-england-timeline-baptisms/

I believe that it would be wrong to christen a child if you had no intention of bringing them up in the church.

I am very actively Christian, but still decided not to christen my children because I would prefer it to be something they decide for themselves. It's a serious thing.

Why bother if you arent a regular church goer?

Better by far to leave it until they are old enough to make their own decision - adult baptism makes so much more sense.

YANBU OP.

Its ok to change your mind about having your children christened.

If it’s important to you, though, maybe you should be going to Mass yourself? Otherwise promising to bring them up in the faith is meaningless.

I had my 2 christened, I was a regular church goer at the time. Their dad wasn't, he didn't believe in any of it but didn't mind either way. He did get his knickers on a right old twist when I didn't have his sister as godmother though. Mad, when he didn't believe in it.

I was going to say this, although I think it depends if you know your local priest. If they are likely to be very pushy I think this could be quite off-putting for your DH (make him feel as if he is being ganged up upon) but I would imagine that priests encounter this situation fairly frequently and would be able to explain what baptism means and what the implications are of now or later, whether there are possible alternatives and so on.

You have to be christened to BE a god parent don't you?

Supposing one of the people you chose (for whatever you feel you need a god parent to do) isn't christened? Wont that throw the whole thing into perspective for the daftness of it?

My SILs and BIL like a christening. Lots of fuss, new frocks and a do in a pub garden afterwards ect. None of them go near a church any other time. I find it utterly bizarre. But then they and DH were only christened for appearances sake for something going on at the time. MIL has admitted as much more than once while on the vino. So i guess it's just normal procedure for them.

They know DH and i are not even slightly religious but running out of options for new godparent nominees we got asked once. We got really close to the day before it came out that i was a heathen and they had to back pedal and ask someone else 😂 We hadn't known it mattered! They were apologetic and felt awkward. I couldn't have cared less! Was relieved actually. MIL hinted that to get round it i could have got christened on the same day ..... er, no ta.

When DD was born i quietly waited for the hints about christenings ...
Happily that's never happened (she's 7 now) 🙂

I am a Christian and my three DC are all christened. None of them have Godparents, I don't have any practising Christians within my family and only choosing friends would have caused upset with them as they don't fully understand the promises a Godparent has to commit too.
Liking"the sound of having Godparents" seems a bizarre reason for having your DC christened. The ceremony is to signify being welcomed into the Church family, and those at the service commit to encourage the child to learn about life from a Christian perspective.
Your requirements seem far more suited to a naming ceremony or similar as many helpful posters have described.

I'd suggest some sort of Humanist ceremony if it's the ceremony you want.

I don’t understand why parents have their dc christened when they aren’t regular church-goers.

But should the OP's want to christen her children trump her DH's want not to. After all it's not something that may never happen, the children may choose to be christened once old enough to make that choice irrespective of their parents views.

YABVU.

You are not a churchgoer, so how can you even think of having your child baptised into a church you do not attend?

I am an atheist, but was honoured to be invited to the Christening of my nieces and nephews because my SIL has faith, attends church, and it was important to her.

I can understand that you see Christenings as a cultural event and feel the loss, but I don't think that makes it OK to make promises you won't keep, on behalf of children who don't understand.

And I do agree - the parent who says 'no more' needs to be respected. No child should be unwanted by either parent.

Talk more with your DH and celebrate the things you agree on or where you share values.

Tricky one.

As a staunch atheist, I dislike the idea of my child being indoctrinated into or going through a ceremony for a religion I think is nonsense.

But at the same time, the fact I think it's nonsense means I can sort of distance myself and see it as a bit of nonsensical frippery that has no real bearing on anything or anyone other than the other parent's happiness/comfort/satisfaction.

But that's on the parent who doesn't believe in it to decide for themselves. The default is to not be christened. So if one parent wants to change the status quo, they need the consent of the other. If your DH doesn't want his child christened then you have to accept that.

It's honestly one of the most bizarre cultural hangovers. Seeing parents who haven't ever set foot inside a church decide to go and get their kids christened and promise to raise them in the faith and then never set foot in the church ever again is just so, so bizarre.

DH and I have an Irish mixed marriage- him Catholic, me Protestant.

His family would’ve have been able to compute us not having the kids christened, so we compromised on a Unitarian ceremony, which had enough of a whiff of organised religion to satisfy the in laws (and my mum!).

I was adamant I wasn’t having them christened Catholic, not after what the church has done to irish women over the last…millennia. It was an absolute line in the sand for me.

I have very little doubt that my MIL has done the Catholic DIY baptism on them as well but if it makes her sleep easier then no harm done.

I think you being Irish is the most relevant part of your post. Almost everyone here gets their kids christened even if they are openly atheist. It's cultural rather than religious. I completely disagree with signing children up to a faith if you don't practice it or follow it in any way. You're technically Catholic but not really so I'm with your husband on this one.

My daugther is christened so are her parents, but nowadays you will find almost half of kids unchristened (in Spain). My daughter goes to a catholic school and like me, and her father, she will receive the basics of religious education and then decide for herself whether she wants to pursue it and be confirmed or not. I find the opposite a bit bizarre, you cannot make a decision about something you know nought about. But anyhow, i find your position a bit silly. I want it because my friends do it... as my mom would say: If your friends jump off a bridge would you jump off a bridge too...?

I think you being Irish is the most relevant part of your post. Almost everyone here gets their kids christened even if they are openly atheist. It's cultural rather than religious.

I agree. I don't think people who aren't at least of Irish heritage themselves will necessarily pick up on the cultural context here.

'Part of me just likes the idea of godparents but another bit of me has a worry like a what if kind of thing, we're both christened why aren't they!'

I dont understand this... 'what if' what?

I would have them Christened.

Surely to him, if he’s right, then it’s just words and a meaningless ceremony so no harm done?

If they don’t want to adopt your faith when older, they don’t have to be confirmed.

I’d go for it.

Sounds like you want a Christening for the sake of it and to be the same as everyone else. Gently meant but don’t be daft.

None of my three were christened, baptised, ‘named’ or anything like that. We’re not religious or fans of superfluous events and ceremonies. It has never come up. Not once.

If you’re not religious don’t bother.