To insist DC get christened even though it will cause huge fight in my marriage?

[probabyam]

Before we got married/had kids we didn't really talk about religion much. Neither of us go to church, however both have been christened. I'm Irish so went to a Catholic school and although we didn't really go to church as a family it was part of my life. DH was christened (Protestant) but actively anti any religion/thinks it's all mental.

When we got engaged I liked the idea of a church wedding but he was very against it so as it wasn't as if I attended church I didn't really feel I could insist and we had a lovely wedding we both loved, no regrets/issues.

Have had two DC, now ages 2 and 4. I would have liked to get them christened as babies (having godparents for them is something I would have liked) but DH against and again I wasn't bothered enough to push.

Now I feel like I wish we had got them christened. Most of my friends children have been christened (though none seem to attend church regularly). Part of me just likes the idea of godparents but another bit of me has a worry like a what if kind of thing, we're both christened why aren't they!
DH still massively against but yet again it seems to be a thing where the person who doesn't want it gets their way (another example is wanting more kids).

Anyway not sure that makes sense but are your kids christened and if so, do you go to church/mass?

@Ponderingwindow - interesting how you not being confirmed was a very big deal at the time for you (by others, not necessarily you).

My stepdad is Catholic and was brought up in Southern Ireland and was the only one of his 4 brothers (second youngest) not to be confirmed and stopped going to church when he was 10 or so. Apparently there was no drama around it, he just stopped going. He'd been an altar boy too.

What’s the point of getting your children to be prayed for and given godparents, when you don’t believe? If it’s to get into religious schools, at least that would be a reason but if it’s just for the sake of it, why?

This

You’re reasons for wanting to get them christened aren’t strong enough when your husband is against it, in my opinion. Let the kids decide when they’re older. Things like this should be discussed before you have children though.

To pin my colours to the mast, I am a Christian. And I don't think anyone who isn't or doesn't go to church should have their children christened. It's hypocrisy. God doesn't care whether the children are christened, so it's a meaningless custom unless you are practicing yourself. Usually it is just an excuse to get dressed up, get presents and drink too much alcohol at the after party.

Many of our (Anglican) churches now refuse christenings for those reasons - you can have a blessing if you want, but christenings are left for the individuals themselves, when old enough to understand the commitment, to choose for themselves

My sister and I were baptised Church of England and my brother Church of Scotland but we did attend church regularly as children. I remember the minister coming to the house to discuss my brother’s baptism with my DF as only my DM took us to church. The minister spoke to my DF about his religious beliefs and to confirm that even if DF never had any intention of going to church that he was also entirely in agreement with my DB being baptised. The minister would not have performed the baptism if DF was not supportive of it too.

Maybe you could have a naming ceremony with non religious guides. Children can always choose religion as adults.

I think baptising our children would have been wrong on several counts- making liars out of the congregation being a major one.

Also how could you and your chosen guests make solemn promises you have no intention of keeping?

Before we got married/had kids we didn't really talk about religion much.

You answered your own question in your first sentence. You cannot 'insist' your children are now christened.

But you could suggest a non-religious naming ceremony? You can nominate your own God-parents. You don't need to be in a church to do it. And even if you did, it has no legal-standing anyway.

Don't ruin your marriage over this. Your children are your children, with their own names, and you can ask people to care for them should anything happen to you or DH.

Bloody ridiculous to get your children christened if you don't go to church and your husband is 'anti-religion'. I'm baptised. I used to attend church as a child, but stopped at about 15. My parents and sibling, and her children still attend. My grandfather was a minister. I go to a monthly church activity with my children and my daughter goes to a church school.

My children are not baptised because I felt it was inappropriate.

But where would it stop. Would you insist on catholic school? First confession? First communion?

I am surprised the amount of people asking the question why non practicing catholics/ protestants keep the religious rituals without a real belief.
In Ireland the main reason is because schools (primary and secondary) give priority to catholic children for catholic schools (maybe 90 per cent) and to protestant children to protestant schools (minority).
In the 21st century people is still discriminated by their religion. There are a very few number of non religious schools "Educate together" frequently oversubscribed and far away.
So if you want to choose where you send your kids to school, a school might be close from your home (so you can work) or because its a good school academically, you keep your children Catholic.

It doesn't sound like you're bothered about the religious aspect, which is the whole point. I'm biased as an atheist, but it feels wrong to baptise babies into religion without their consent, especially just for the sake of it.

Would you go to a synagogue and make promises in the sight of God and the congregation to raise your child in the Jewish faith?

If the answer is no, then why would you do it for Christianity? You and your husband don't go to church, you have no continuing affinity with the Christian faith. Part of you "likes the idea"?! That's not how faith works!

I sat through umpteen christenings at church growing up, as it was cheap to have it done on a Sunday as part of a service. Whole swathes of unknown people would turn up in their wedding outfits, promised they believed and trusted in God and promised to bring up the child in the Christian faith. Then they'd have their Insta-worthy photos (although Insta wasn't invented) at the font and then outside in the church yard, they'd go and have a big party and we'd never see any of them ever again.

I used to think it made such a mockery of our faith, having people see it as an excuse for photos and a party, rather than a meaningful part of our lives. I think anyone wishing to have their child christened in a church (or be married in a church) should have to attend regularly a certain time before and after (say, a year each side). If they don't want to, then they can go have their party somewhere else. But churches are open to all and the powers that be think it's all fine.

As I got older, I stopped attending church. I was baptised as a baby but my mum, a devout Christian, only did it through peer pressure, as she wanted me to choose for myself later on. I attended for years but it dropped off. My own son isn't christened as it's his choice when he's older.

Go have a non-religious naming ceremony. Choose some guardians. There's nothing legally binding about godparents, you can call them what you want. But don't go make promises about raising your child a Christian, and your DH and whatever godparents you choose, when you've no intention of keeping them.

I was brought up Catholic and we went to mass as kids and dad went mental when we used to skip it as teenagers, never go now only for funerals/weddings and did not get my son christened, was going to but never got around to it and he is now 21 and so happy he was not. It seems like you just want to do it because all your friends have. You can still have godparents for your children and a little party which would be lovely. For me I hate the church now and all the abuse and treatment of women in Ireland and control they had over us and trying to make women feel guilty for enjoying sex. But if you really want them christened then it should be for the right reasons, you take them to church etc. I am more spiritual and believe in something but don't have to go to a church.

Spanish mum that's not true anymore. Catholic schools cannot put baptised children before others. It's now catchment area first. I know because my daughter almost lost her place at school before she started because she wasn't baptised.

My question would be, why does this issue keep raising itself in your mind. Do you have some inner feeling that you actually would like to raise your kids Christian? Do you, yourself, wish for some aspect of being Christian?

Baptism is not a magic formula so much as the beginning of their relationship with Christ. So if your desire to baptise them results from an inner belief that God really does exist, then that is what you should focus on, not on the rite of baptism itself. Maybe what you want to do is teach them about Christ, some prayers, etc. If you start reading more material about Catholicism now you will see that the way catechesis has developed is a lot warmer and fuzzier than it was in our day. This is a real thing, it's not just something that comes from liberal Catholics misinterpreting the faith to their own ends. Children still require some concrete teaching because they are concrete thinkers by nature at young ages, but adults get a more metaphorical/philosophical view of theological issues, and there is more openness to people being on a path towards understanding.

If this were me, I think my focus would really be, what is this telling me about my own internal faith needs. Maybe you actually want to return to some active practice of Christianity. If you do, then that is your natural right, whether or not you "agreed" with your husband to be religious before you married. However, in terms of baptising your children, the priest will likely be reluctant to do so unless your husband is on board. In fact, it may be that the permission form for baptism requires both parents to sign it.

I’m really struggling to understand your perspective here, OP. You are not religious. You don’t go to church. You chose to marry and have children with a man who is an atheist and thinks religion is nonsense. You knew that before you married him. Yet you have now suddenly decided you want your children to be baptised? Objectively, that makes absolutely no sense, so yes YABU.

Allow your children to make up their own minds about religion when they are old enough to do so for themselves.

Do you value getting your kids christened over remaining married to your DH? As frankly it may come down to that if you go ahead without his agreement.

What if? What if what...? They get to the afterlife without having had their head wetted? Frankly I doubt it'd matter and if anything being Catholic would only make it worse 😆

This.

I think if you apply critical thinking to it you get to the result of the above poster.

But I understand your niggle, I'm on the fence and I go to church. I think it's nice to honour our old traditions, it's not exactly going to hurt anyone and gives the church a bit of money.

But it's such a no go for your DH and I think the strength of his convictions outweighs your niggles - if you had a strong conviction maybe you could work something out. My DH is not up for it but he'd let me do it without him being present - I'll probably do it tbh.

Your not religious, why force a religion onto a child who can't choose

Wait till they can make an informed decision

All 3 christened and confirmed. They go to church occasionally. My friend put it as its easier to do it and them reject it than do it later as adults.

This.
We didn't have our children christened as I believed it would be hypocritical when neither of us had any plans to bring the children up within the church. They can choose to be christened when they are older.
For what it's worth, I haven't been christened and it's had zero impact on my life so far!

My friend put it as its easier to do it and them reject it than do it later as adults.

"Easier"? Is it? Why?

Nope. Just as easy to be baptised as an adult as be christened as a baby. Would you get your child's ears pierced as a baby, as it's just as easy as when they're older and if they don't want their ears pierced they can just let them close up? Why is choosing a faith for them the right thing for a parent to do?

It'll mean so much more to them if they make the choice to make and keep the promises themselves.