DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

If he likes ’Spicy Chinese food’ perhaps you should have made him some with those sauces when you noticed he didn’t use them, that would have been more of a gift.

Next time no gifts only cards and ask him what restaurant he would like a meal from then problem sorted. He sounds like an ungrateful narcissist o wonder you was upset.

Buy him something you would like then when he puts it aside you use it,

Yes : ) do this OP 😁

I don’t have PMS and find even reading the OP infuriating - how crass and hurtful !

I’m sorry, OP - but he sounds absolutely dreadful , like he’s goi g out of his way to hurt you

It sound as if you don't know your husband taste very well. Gift buying I think takes a lot of observation and awareness. A cherished bracelet can't be replaced. He may still order spicy food but feels it to be a weakness since they aren't good for him. A lighter might be unpractical if needs a refil. I would hate if someone spent moneybuying me a coat for me that isn't fit for purpose.
I wouldn't like any of o your gifts because I am ver practical personal and don't like novelty gifts.
I don't think you should take it personally unless he is lacking in other aspects. Ask him what he would like and go for high quality items. Choose from brands he likes or a better brand. Regarding his kids they probably would like a gift from their dad not bought by you

He wasn’t taught to be happy/feel comfortable with having nice presents, and probably spent his childhood pretending to himself that he didn’t want or need nice things on his birthday or at Christmas. These things can be very deep rooted and don’t always make rational sense

I can relate to this @niquenique I've always wondered why I don't use the presents I'm given after a childhood of disappointment and neglect but this makes perfect sense!

Interesting thread. My Dh is crap with presents, both the giving and the receiving. I’m the opposite; I love to spend time choosing thoughtful gifts for people. I used to feel hurt that the ‘perfect’ things I got him were never used, and more hurt when he left it till Christmas Eve to buy me some tat from the corner shop.

Now that we are older, I just buy him stuff to eat. His favourite spicy nuts, or liquorice, or his favourite wine. It makes me feel a bit like an unoriginal cheapskate, but these things actually make him happy, and at the end of the day that’s the aim.

He puts more effort into buying stuff for me now, because I’ve told him enough times how his thoughtless present buying upsets me. Often, though, his choices miss the mark, being not to my taste at all. I appreciate that he’s tried, but it’s also made me realise how he felt when I was buying him stuff he didn’t want!

It’s all a bit of a minefield really, isn’t it?

You can address these issues through supportive counselling, if you feel it would help.

Either stop buying him stuff, however thoughtful, or instead, buy him somthing that you can share, bottle of nice wine, chocolates, tickets to a film/theatre. If he’s not bothered you can have them for yourself or treat a friend instead. I also have this problem, I love giving things that I think the OP may like. But he always says no presents please, for Christmas, Birthday etc. so, have decided that now is the time. Sometimes, people can feel pressured when given a gift.,strange though that may sound. My DH just doesn’t want any more ‘stuff’ so in future it will be consumable or an activity we can do together.

"Never but him anything again!" "Get him something horrid!" "Make this pointed remark, that'll show him!"

For goodness sake, please ignore the posters saying you should retaliate with spiteful games, OP.

He's your partner. You need to talk to each other about how you feel. I'd want to know if my habits/attitude hurt my partner, even (especially!) if it wasn't intentional.

I had to explain to my partner that I found it stressful to receive gifts as I like to pick and choose my own belongings. I also associate gifts with unspoken obligation and confusing social rules, so I prefer to share experiences instead. Better than hissing with resentment and plotting petty revenge, and much less work.

Gift giving is a minefield. And when you think about it, madness. What in gods name is the point of going to the trouble and expense of buying something for someone without knowing that they want it? Consumer culture.

Most adults have everything they need and more besides. Some feel loved when they’re given material goods, others feel burdened or non-plussed. Same with giving. Some people express love by buying big expensive gifts while others can’t understand the point, they don’t relate because they don’t equate love with possessions.

I think it’s unwise to assume that because you like something, someone else will. Even someone very close to you (as demonstrated by this thread).

I do think if the tables were turned and this was a thread about ‘DH buys me stock gifts and expects me to jump up and down with gratitude’, there would be a v different response.

EG. As PPs have said, Chinese food is not spicy. Those hot sauce gift packs are. He says they will burn his tongue. They probably will! Poor bloke! My brother got about 8 of those gift sets within a couple of years. Fortunately, he does actually like spicy food, but I realised it was a fairly uninspired gift for me to get him, even just as a sister.

Can’t you just ask him what he’d like and reduce the landfill?

Can anybody quote any previous post of mine that sounds anything like me expecting him to jump up and down with gratitude?

As for Chinese food not being spicy, what? The food he orders from the Chinese takeaway IS spicy. Kung Pao chicken among others.

He didn't say the sauces would burn his tongue either.

Sorry if I sound a bit abrupt but some of these replies have really got on my nerves and worn thin. Digs about being working class, us being tacky people, gifts I've bought being "deeply distasteful", digs about men who wear jewellery etc etc. It's offensive, stuck up and boring.

Thank you to everybody who responded offering suggestions and the lady who PM'd me about the love languages thing. Ive been doing some reading about it this afternoon. I've decided to go for the experiences option in future so money isn't wasted and he gets to decide what he'd like to do / where to eat.

He actually tried one of the sauces last night btw and he said he likes it. So there's that.

I'll leave this thread here now.

Best of luck OP, ignore the nasty comments on here. Me and my DH a lot of times for Christmas especially do a joint gift for each other like a weekend away or something like that.

Do you have a local Poundland?? Thats where all the gifts would be coming from in the future. Seriously tho, you do need to talk to him about how hurtfull this is!!

In the end, it doesn't matter what you bought him, or whether he likes it or not. It's also completely irrelevant whether other posters approve of your choices. You put thought into it, based on what you considered your partner would like and even if you got it totally wrong, to just chuck it in the bin in front of you is hurtful and rude. And that needs to be addressed with him. Along with how he is allowing his children to behave. I know they aren't strictly your responsibility but it would be nice if someone corrected their attitude before they are let loose on the world and find themselves behaving in relationships like your dp is behaving!

Just stop buying presents. Then you won't be hurt when he doesn't value your efforts. Even if he seems to be hinting for things, if he then doesn't use them he doesn't really want them. Perhaps he just likes having 'stuff'.

Stop buying for him and if he asks say well you never like anything I buy you so why would I?

I second this. OH has ADHD and often behaves like this so we've agreed to buy our own gifts for Christmas/Birthday etc. He buys his own stuff and it usually ends up not being used and thrown out or given to charity.

What is so bad about the working class!

How old are they?? Does theur other parent pick them up for their rudeness.

I'd just say that you're not buying gifts for them - as it's a lot of effort& cost, and they are quite rude.

I have come across this before... When an entire family, all sexes, seemed to have this as a dominant reaction to gifts....

I was brought up to 'appear grateful' to when I received, for example, the orange/pink too small nylon jumper from my great aunt😁 (obvs an issue in itself...!).

But they seemed to have this reaction to ALL gifts, including the ones they'd specifically asked for.... So not the generic boots gift set or the orange /pink nylon jumper.

Very odd behaviour...

Luckily I was only around them for 18 months...

We don’t buy each other presents!
never really have!
just a little something for the gesture.

he gets me £5 (or less) flowers. I get him a toblerone or chocolate orange! - both if he’s lucky!

why risk the tat - even if money is no object/concern?

look after the planet & your immediate environment by not filling it with stuff for the sake of stuff.

This is exactly what I was going to reply. Describes me and my DH.