DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

He’s attitude towards you is wrong. Totally.

BUT I don’t like receiving novelty gifts at all. I like watching Marvel films and reading the graphic novels but would not want a Marvel gift. Personalised things with my children's faces, I would consider really tacky.

I get frustrated that someone has spent money on something I don’t like and I often don’t know how to handle it. if it’s my parents I can ask for a receipt to change it and they aren’t offended at all. They would do the same to me.

To me, I would much rather not waste money on unwanted gifts. I don’t need surprises, I’m not a child. Just buy me something that I really want, ask me and I’ll tell you.

Just say to him that you’re sorry he doesn’t like some of the things that you’ve chosen in the past. Why not make a lists together next year?

Did he say anything to his kids about their rudeness towards you?

Pre teens. Manners are hit and miss. They can be great kids one day then rude the next. Like all children really.

Yes its all a bit strange isn't it. I'd understand if I pulled out something completely random that has nothing to do with his interests but everything i buy is in line with what he likes / does.

A previous poster said they'd find engraved personalised items a bit tacky which is fine, each to their own, but DP definitely doesn't find things like that tacky as he has bought me engraved personalised items before, from him and on behalf of our children on mother's day etc. So it's not that he finds the stuff tacky. If he did he wouldn't buy it for me.

Perhaps a lynx set will suffice for Christmas this year, atleast I know it'll be used 😂

I wouldn't get him anything.

When I was 7 my Granny bought me a tapestry set of Mickey Mouse. I have crappy motor skills as an adult; so imagine what they were like aged 7?!

Anyway my words to my Grandmother were thank you and my Dad helped me do the tapestry and I still have it as a prized possession because although I could not manage to do it myself I knew it came from love and kindness and it is very cute.

It's a pity adults have no manners.

DH was/is like this. I'd spend hours looking for thoughtful/personal presents I'd thought he'd like, they very often didn't get used. Examples being one of those 'charging' mats you put devices on to charge, instead of having hundreds of wires everywhere - it's never come out of the box, a pillow that 'played music' as he struggled to sleep. Also never used. A set of silver cufflinks with DC's finger prints imprinted into them (bloody difficult when one DC was only 6 weeks old!). I'd thought I'd found brilliant things, specific to him, but in reality, he just doesn't like lots of 'stuff'. So I stopped - he writes a list now, which generally consists of a book/bottle of single malt/PC game/DVD as that's all he generally wants. He's happy, I spend much less time trying to find him presents, we have less stuff lying about and I save lots of money. He still buys me lovely things, we're just different when it comes to gift buying.

He didn't no. It went completely over his head. I raised it with him afterwards and after listening to my POV his conclusion was just "OK so don't buy anything for them then"

I wish I could say the Christmas incident was an isolated thing but it wasn't. Something similar happened during one of their birthdays a few months prior. She begged and pleaded for a particular thing which I then got her, then she had a tantrum about it being wrong and not what she thought it was. I said OK no harm done just change it (hint, she never did)

The Christmas one was the final straw for me so now all gift buying is left to him.

OP this reminds me so much of after one Christmas at my gran's. My uncle is really funny too about possessions, and yet my gran loves buying 'a few extras' on top of someone's main present. When he left after Christmas he asked us if we would take some stuff of his that he had got out of gran's attic to the charity shop - was all in sealed cardboard boxes. So we did it, but the shop asked us to open the boxes - they couldn't accept them sealed for safety reasons (I guess in case people put drugs or undesirables in there!) So we opened them and in among the attic stuff were two of the small gifts that gran had just bought for Christmas. She was so quiet on the way home, I felt terrible for her. Ungratefulness is horrible.

I would definitely put this in the bin too or give it away. I have been given stuff like this before and I can’t explain it but I don’t like it, I prefer to pick my own food.

what kind of gifts does he buy you? Give him similar style gifts, that’s what he wants.

I have definitely felt taken for granted in the past but don't want to derail the thread by bringing up old issues.

I understand you're talking about the gift thing just now but don't dismiss thinking about (hopefully) old issues alongside. Sometimes we are so close to the trees we can't see the wood.

I can relate to this 🙂

One of my relatives were positively awful at gift buying, think boys toys given to a very 'girly' girl.

I always put on my best smile and thanked her. I would be horrified if I upset somebody by being rude about a gift they got me.

I still get random bits and pieces now I'm almost 30, and my response is still the same.

I think DP's parents forgot to teach him the gift etiquette..

How do you feel about gifts? Do you need a surprise on the birthday morning?

DH and I don't get gifts for each other. What we do instead is wait until we see something that we'd like, but maybe not bother getting because of the expense and 'nominate' it as the gift. DH got a bean->coffee machine. I bought an antique writing slope (I've wanted one for years) a couple of weeks ago - my birthday was September. Previously I've had one day courses in craft projects, bought myself earrings, or vintage silverware for the table.

At Christmas we jointly buy something nice for the 'house'. One year it was a John Lewis mirror for the hall. Our 10th wedding anniversary we each bought the other a light (the room needed 2) at £600 each.

I'm not saying this would work for everyone, but I've never had a disappointing or wasted gift from DH. Obviously there might need to be a price limit, or equal ability to spend money on whatever takes your fancy.

I don't think you're very good at reading people. You type the words, but don't think about what they mean.

The bracelet was from his ex on behalf of their children together. It had a certain sentiment. It broke, he (consciously or subconsciously) chose not to have it repaired - either it didn't matter that much to him that it was broken, or the sentiment couldn't be fixed. Were you buying an identical replacement bracelet identically "on behalf of the children", or trying to underline you're position as an identical replacement for his ex?

Yes, I know you're going to take offence at that last bit. But maybe it's better to get upset by someone anonymous online if it makes you think about what your motivation might have been or how it might be perceived.

If he never got gifts growing up he obviously doesn't attach much meaning or love to them. He never learned how to receive and show appreciation for gifts.
My dh seemed to have no interest in gifts and his family are awful at giving gifts...they were when he was a child and still are. It is actually hard to see where they are coming from with a gift , it's so random.

Lately we started doing Secret Santa with grown up kids and you can fill in a wish list. He puts the maddest things on that no one would have ever thought of buying for him. Now he is thrilled with his presents and like a child on Christmas day.
We were totally off the mark the whole time!!

He could have approached the hot sauce thing better, but overall I think it's a simple matter of your gifts (though well-intended) are missing the mark.

Using the Marvel console holder as an example, just because your DH likes Marvel and gaming does not mean he will like this specific item. I like makeup but that doesn't mean I love any and all makeup items.

I think a discussion of what you want out of gifts as a couple might be helpful. What types of gifts does he like? Do they have to be surprises? Would he prefer an experience/dinner out/activity on holiday?... Not nice knowing you made a mistake when you try hard, but these things happen, just because you love someone and endeavour to get them something they love doesn't mean they are obligated to like it. In my opinion, when it's a couple I think it's fair enough to be honest rather than have your other half waste money on you. When it's a more distant relation then of course the standard 'smile and say you love it' is appropriate.

I thought you have asked him what he wanted and he still didn’t use it

Gift giving isn’t his love language but it clearly is yours. Just have a conversation about it, tell him you won’t be buying him gifts anymore but ask how he likes to feel loved or appreciated instead of gifts. Tell him that gift giving is your love language so you expect him to give you gifts and put some thought into it. There are 5 love languages, sit down together and work through how you both like to feel appreciated and loved. I wouldn’t put him in the bin before having that conversation.

This makes me so sad. I just couldn't imagine doing that to somebody. It baffles me that to some people it's no big deal. I guess we're all different and not everybody is sentimental but that's just fucking horrible.

Why is not liking a gift and donating it to charity ungrateful? I don’t get this attitude. Should your uncle have kept it?

Get him to make a list-he can add to it throughout the year-and then pick something from the list when you feel inclined to buy him a present.

Give his kids a voucher or let him pick for them.

How about just stopping exchanging gifts.
its life changing. No more angst about what to buy/ can afford etc
just treat yourself with the money saved.

Precisely.

If a child can be polite so can an adult.

Granny and Grandad had 11 children who survived to adulthood and grandchildren from Mum and my Aunt at that time- so lots of people to buy for.

I know someone who does this. Expensive presents unused or later given away. Events not attended. These are things they like and are interested in. They've even given lists of ideas as I started to ask outright.

We decided it was possibly passive aggressive way of saying they didn't like or want the gifts.

They could just be bad at present giving and receiving.

He buys me things like perfume, jewellery, smellies I like, skincare he knows I use, personalised gifts from the kids not unlike the ones I get him. One of my favourite things he got me was a photo album with all DS' baby pictures in.

He has bought me a personalised lighter before (years before I bought him one)

Flowers on mother's day.

Charms for my Pandora bracelet that represent important things to me
All really thoughtful and well meaning.

The only part of your post I've taken offence to is the opening line. You're very rude but I'm sure that was your intention.

No, it had nothing to do with underlining my position. The bracelet broke at work. He was upset about it. It was something he wore regularly. I wanted to do something nice for him.