DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

Do you ask him what he would like? I hate people choosing gifts for me, I'm very particular, and much prefer to give a list. When DH goes off-list I get quite irritated; it doesn't feel thoughtful, it's a waste of money and then the mental load of working out what to do with the thing I don't want.

I think this is it re love languages.

He should be more polite about it, but ultimately the pair of you seem to be wired differently on this point. It's good that he gets you personalised things from the kids as he knows you like them, but that doesn't mean he also wants them. To me that sort of thing is pointless tat and I'd only ever get it because I knew someone else wanted it. He sounds the same. To you it's meaningful. Neither group is wrong, just different.

Since you're already happy with what he gets you, ie he speaks your love language when it comes to presents, you then need to learn to speak his. Which is to stop expecting him to be bothered about the sort of thing you like.

Also you're def in the right to just leave the present buying for his kids to him.

I absolutely know this feeling! My DH drops big hints at things he wants. Not cheap things either. Then I get them and he literally never touches them again. Or, worse, he goes on about how he doesn't like to prescribe what he wants and he likes personal gifts....but in reality he absolutely doesn't want personalised things like engraved tat or custom made stuff. He's pretty mainstream. He just likes the idea of it. I literally cannot win with him so I've stopped trying.

My DH is about like this now. We’ve agreed not to do presents anymore. The kids get him beer, crisps and chocolate now - edible stuff that we know he’ll eat!

I do yes. His stock answer is always "it's up to you, you choose" or "I don't mind, anything" or "I don't know, I'll have a think" then doesn't think.

The only two presents he's ever specifically asked for went unused along with everything else.

So I do ask him, but 99.9 of the time he doesn't come back with anything so I just use my initiative.

I would try not to take it to heart tbh OP.

Both myself and my DP have gifts from the other that we don't use, and probably didn't particularly want. Even things that are ostensibly things people would think we'd love due to our interests - eg my DP got me a kilim bag because I love kilim boots, but I don't really like it and so don't use it (beyond a few times to be polite).

I appreciate his efforts though and usually do enjoy the gifts he gives me, but some people are just more functional and prefer to use their existing stuff or continue as they are - like your DP not using the control holder and preferring to continue putting it in the drawer.

Next time, I'd just either ask him if there's anything he'd like or still choose something yourself but don't invest a lot in it.

Could he be a bit of a minimalist? People are becoming more and more aware of all the pointless consumerism getting shoved down our throats nowadays and realising they could happily do without.

Bit of a tactless way for him to go about it but I find that men often are! I’d just stop going OTT with buying them stuff if they don’t want it. You could mark celebrations by going out for a nice meal or something instead.

Yeah agree with this, if it was just the hot sauce thing then I'd say let it go but from what you've said after it sounds like he almost does this deliberately which is weird. I wouldn't bother my arse getting him and his kids anymore presents in the future, seems like it's a waste of money, time & effort

A gift can take thought and care on the giver's side but still not be welcome from the receiver's - for example, I know foodie types who love food made with fresh or dried hot peppers and chiles but avoid premade blended hot sauces. BUT his specific behaviour - asking/telling YOU to throw away the gift you gave him - is rude (I'm assuming there's no big cultural difference that could change this for him). You know him - is it possible he genuinely thinks that's generally acceptable behaviour? E.g. if he never received gifts as a child, maybe he somehow never learned anything about customs and manners surrounding gifts and hasn't really had anyone to give him gifts as an adult besides you (or others have not been addressing his rudeness or aren't bothered by it)?

Lack of interest in specific things he told you he wanted or said he liked/would use (e.g., the popular game and the gaming accessory) is also odd - unless there's another explanation like he received the same thing from someone else or forgot and bought it himself, I'd feel like even asking him outright what he wants wouldn't result in a gift he likes. Would he prefer you (and the children) stop giving him gifts at all? If he's clear about it, there could be a kind of new family tradition - e.g., Dad doesn't like to get gifts, so we always take him out to dinner or do xyz for him or make a donation in his name or whatever.

my dh is the same
really weird
asks for specific things, rarely uses

Alot of good points and suggestions above thank you. I'm definitely going to rethink how I go about the gift giving.

He's not a minimalist by any stretch, he's always buying random crap.

I think I would've preferred he tell me there and then that it's not something he wants or will use so then it could go back to the shop, rather than just leaving it to collect dust or like today suggesting it goes in the bin.

I'd stop, then. Tell him he can use your card to get himself a computer game or similar whenever he feels like it around the time of his birthday, Christmas etc. Some people just aren't bothered for being bought presents.

Oh I am your husband and hate all gifts. I accept them with some grace, but it really pisses me off and I feel like shoving them up the gift givers butt.
I tell everyone all the time , no gifts, nothing for me, nothing at all, no not even a bottle of wine, yes donate to charity if you must, but no need to tell me about it. I have money. And inexpensive tastes. If I want something I buy it. What I have ended up doing is stop buying stuff a month before Christmas so I can tell people to get me 'this very specific pink jumper that I like from M&S' By they time they go to buy it, its sold out, so they get me another random pink jumper which I then have to ask for the receipt for and return, so losing me the jumper I wanted and giving me a wasted trip into town.
Doesn't it sound incredibly smug to people that they honestly think they can choose me something better than I can choose it myself? I'm a runner - I get random headbands and leggings. No! I want what I like, not what you like. I do puzzles - I get duplicates and types that I don' t like. A gamer - and I would bloody hate a game character remote control.
If I wanted hot sauces I would buy them wouldn't I? I would also buy the one I like in a large size, not a selection pack. Ahhhh! Just nothing please.

No she isn't. Gotten is used plenty of places, Ireland and the states for starters

You'll know the old saying ''No good deed goes unrewarded''.

The grandma/uncle thing is exactly the dilemma I have. My mum and mil buy me ‘bits’ .I feel guilty immediately charity shopping then. I always have this dilemma I might use it - they aren’t awful just not my brand. Invariably it ends up in cupboard then gets donated, doesn’t get used spoils and goes in bin or I open it use a bit and then think why am I using this I don’t like as much as normal brand and then throw it. Better to put straight in charity box on Christmas Day. Joules Lip balm set was bought as I like Joules clothes so a good try but it isn’t a patch on cheap Carmex one I buy. So I tried using it - tin lid really hard to get off, lips dry. So in the bin. Yet it was a kind gift bought with good intentions.

is it possible he genuinely thinks that's generally acceptable behaviour? E.g. if he never received gifts as a child, maybe he somehow never learned anything about customs and manners surrounding gifts and hasn't really had anyone to give him gifts as an adult besides you (or others have not been addressing his rudeness or aren't bothered by it)?

Yep I think this is probably it. He genuinely saw nothing wrong in handing me the sauces and asking me to put them in the bin. He can be quite rude in general then completely miffed that I have taken offence.

Hey OP, self confessed ungrateful gift receiver here.
I love the opening part of the gift. I make the right sounds, say thank you, smiley face etc. But lousy at using it, put it straight in the wardrobe /ottoman/ car boot where it will sit for months and months until I either throw it out, or regift (if I can get away with it).
My reasoning for not putting much importance on gift giving is that I feel its unnecessary "stuff" to add to our already packed houses, I'm also picky with what I want or like and rarely buy myself things and finally because I know I have to return the favour to not look so rude. I also have the things I like to use... I have the make up, jewelry, nail stuff, perfume etc and I'll finish it before buying more. Please don't buy me a gift set of different shades of lipstick when I use vaseline everyday.
Now I just tell DH and send him links over the course of the year of things I like and he just picks it (usually concert tickets, experience days, treat well vouchers) Because he got quite offended at all the gifts he bought which got added to the gift pile in the spare bedroom.

That really made me giggle

Some people dont value gifts or the thought that (sometimes) goes into them. It doesnt mean they dont love you, its just that its not their love language.

one of those square zippo lighters with a portrait of his (along wkth our) children on it.

What would he use it for..?

Love languages are a bit twee, but there is defo something to it...

www.verywellmind.com/receiving-gifts-love-language-4783665

Basically, some people see receiving and giving gifts as acts of love.

Other people really really don't.

I definitely don't! A previous boyfriend bought me a kindle. I like reading but didn't want a kindle. I got annoyed because I didn't want to read books on it but felt like I had to for appearances. He got annoyed because I was ungrateful "you NEVER use the Kindle" etc. no I don't Paul, I don't want one!!!! Gah!

I like presents that are small or consumable. Realistically most still end up at the charity shop eventually.

I was going to ask if he had bad memories of gift-giving from childhood - this update is very sad

I don't think they 'realised he was ungrateful', I think he may be struggling with the juxtaposition.

This is what happens when you have an abusive childhood - never getting any presents is toxic and very harmful to a child.

I guess if you talk to him you shoudl try to be sensitive. I think he has issues and whilst you are hurt and his behaviour is hurtful, I think this is not about you or the gifts, but about that lack of gifts in childhood.

As a lighter? OP says he smokes but has continued to buy disposables.

Maybe he likes to keep this one safe and not scratched up though, in fairness.

Buy him wine then just drink it yourself. Or a household object that's needed. Mine has received a stick vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, new TV unit etc over the years. At least they get used not stuffed in his wardrobe