DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

I bought my ex-P a jumper. I arrived at the house one day and he opened the door wearing it. I said 'nice jumper' he obviously though I was being sarcastic, pulled a face and said 'yeah I know it's awful, my mum bought it. I'm going to give it to a charity shop'.

He'd completely forgotten I'd given it to him 😆

So is he not allowed to use or enjoy any presents from you, in his own head?

I do love him. I have definitely felt taken for granted in the past but don't want to derail the thread by bringing up old issues. PMS certainly is a bugger. I hate it 😩

I see what you mean, although he would definitely be miffed if come Christmas I haven't bought him anything.

I won't be bothering though, or I'll just ask him what he wants.

I'm sure that's not the case, he just throws them aside and forgets about them.

I don't want to jump to conclusions and assume it's a 'me' problem but he has alot more regard for things his ex and kids get him, than he does that I buy him from ours.

He is very ungrateful and I would be furious.

Also it seems the fruit doesn't fall far from the paternal tree.

Indeed. I was gutted as I'd put so much effort in to their presents. I actually bought them more than he did individually (I know the consensus is to give gifts from the both of us but they'd had a crap few months and I wanted to make them happy)

"I don't need this" was one of the responses

"From you ..again?" Was another.

Completely underwhelmed, ungrateful, like I'd inconvenienced them by presenting them with gifts to unwrap.

Maybe he just didn't like them.... ask him what he wants and see if that helps.

Dial down on what you get him and his kids. If he/they don't appreciate it then don't make the effort as they're not bothered.

Totally agree. In fact don’t spend anything on him or his kids. They don’t appreciate it and you are , sadly, just wasting your time and money.

She’s buying things she wants to get for him because it’s the sort of things he likes. She’s listed her reasoning for every one of these gifts and her reasoning is sound, especially on the two occasions where he’s literally mentioned he’s wanted these items before she bought them, and still didn’t use them

Does he buy you nice, thoughtful presents?
Maybe with the bracelet he wore it because it was from his kids rather than because he genuinely liked it, but I think I'd want to have a discussion about why he doesn't value anything you but him and how hurtful it is to you.

I’d agree not to buy gifts, maybe have a night out instead. A lot of the gifts sound a bit like clutter/ faffy. I’d rather have 1 sauce I liked than 6 little bottles with nowhere to store them collecting dust.
Some things are very personal eg if new chain is different feel weight wise or length it’s not quite right so he doesn’t wear it. He may also worry about losing personalised lighter.

However men in particular are hard to buy for.

no they aren't - you can't made stupid generalisations like that.
OP bought things in line with what her DP likes - he's just being a twat.

Indeed. I'm just not going to bother buying anything else for him. If there's something particular he wants he can let me know. That way there's no money wasted.

With regards to his kids, I told him that moving forward I'm going to leave their gift buying to him and he's welcome to put my name on the label alongside his if he wants to but I won't be choosing the gifts or buying so many extras again.

Stop over-investing in meaningful gifts. If there's something he wants he'll get it himself. He may get some pleasure from the purchase. Stop formalizing gifting with the expectation of being rewarded for giving, try being trivial and/or spontaneous.

The Dad bracelet was potentially quite insensitive on your part.

I'd be getting every single one of those presents out and putting them in a heap clearly marked "Unwanted - to be Recycled" - and then I'd be telling him I wouldn't ever be adding to the heap again ......

His kids were very little when he got that bracelet, so it was effectively a present from his ex but 'from' the kids if that makes sense.

When I got him the replacement bracelet it was under the same pretense 'from' the kids, however all of them this time both his and ours.

I forgot to add yes he does buy me nice meaningful presents

Bloody hell. That's incredibly rude. How old are they? Do they have awful manners in general, or is it just around gifts?

I have definitely bought my DP things he hasn't really used, but it's always been when I've taken a bit of a gamble on something and he clearly just hasn't liked it (which is fair enough - he'd never say anything, but I can just tell and I figure that you win some, you lose some). So I wouldn't be offended about stuff like the hot sauce etc. But in your case it sounds like he's actively asking for things or saying he likes them, and then not using them - like the gaming accessory he was raving about or the bracelet you got him to replace the one that was broken. And it's definitely interesting that his kids are also weird about presents.

If he never got presents as a child/growing up then it’s quite possible that his subconscious won’t actually let him like them/use them/properly appreciate them. The chain from his ex might be okay because he’s no longer with her so it doesn’t carry any emotional weight as it were. Just because he’s happy to give you gifts and be generous in comparison to his own upbringing, doesn’t mean he is able to be generous toward himself. He wasn’t taught to be happy/feel comfortable with having nice presents, and probably spent his childhood pretending to himself that he didn’t want or need nice things on his birthday or at Christmas. These things can be very deep rooted and don’t always make rational sense.

When I first got together with my DH he asked for specific items such as a book he never read (listened to the audiobook instead) or kitchen bits he requested that have sat in the wardrobe unused.
Now I just get experiences that we do together.
At least they get used then.

You sound totally different in terms of gifts. I’m not bothered about gifts and if someone gave me multiple bits I’d be thinking where am I going to put it/hassle of taking to charity shop. Things not quite right - if you like x brand then y brand won’t get used. I hate those gift set type things. I’d rather have 1 thing I like and use than 5 things. Nearly right gifts are worse just a waste of money.

That is so rude of them.

My brother whinged to my parents about the expensive chocolates I gave for Xmas ; well guess who got just a text for his birthday.

Don't accept disrespect

Why?

He was sad that it had broken so I got him an identical one 'from the kids'

I don't understand how that could be misconstrued as anything other than a kind gesture.

Not sure how you could be sentimental about a bottle of hot sauce.