DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

My XH was really weird about presents - he'd never get rid of anything he'd been given, even if it was awful, broken, the wrong size, worn out, whatever. Nothing would ever be exchanged, even if he liked it but the size / colour was wrong.

He'd be thrilled with a thoughtful and appropriate gift but then still not use it in case it was damaged, as it was a present.

He'd leave things unopened (unwrapped but in their boxes) for years, unused & if it were something edible he'd never finish them all even if he liked them. Trying to get rid of anything to pass on or chuck out was extremely difficult.

His parents are also weird with presents - every one is kept with the handwritten gift tag in the pocket, on the hanger, between the pages, tucked in somewhere.

Love all the PPs chiming in with how they would hate your gifts and calling them tacky and all sorts. Nobody gives a fuck what you would like, OP wasn't buying for you and knows her DP well enough to know what he likes.

Its very strange and hurtful behaviour OP. My mum does something a bit similar, doesn't throw them away but she never uses presents I get her. I bought her an engraved wine glass as she was commenting how nice the engraved whisky glass was that I bought for someone else. She refuses to use it "in case it breaks". Loads of things she has a complex about keeping "for best" or a rainy day. She buys lovely candles to display in her bathroom (still in the plastic!) but would never light them. I've told her she now has too much unopened stuff to be buried with so she may as well start using some of it now

@halfsiesonapotnoodle YABU to say that. Gotten is the original Olde English term. It is the actual proper term.

I disagree.

The shop which does the engraving said its a very common request. Their ad had dozens of pictures of kids, pets and so forth engraved on the lighters.

If you're a smoker its a perfectly acceptable gift.

It depends on the smoker.

My dh smokes and actually collects zippos too and he wouldn't like one with his childrens faces on. He doesn't actually use his either and I've bought him two. He doesn't use them day to day because he loses it breaks lighters a lot and worries about losing expensive zippos

I used to smoke and wouldn't have liked it either but then I wouldn't like a zippo full stop, I hated the smell of the fluid and the flame would be so big, the shape of them and the weight I just don't like them and I'd never use it.

People are suggesting why he may do it. If Op asks him outright he might not realise or be able to articulate - there’s a lot of baggage with childhood and gifts.
My grandma has cupboard full of stuff saved for best when she died.
The lighter might be simple as scared of losing it, or might be because he feels shitty seeing his kids when he’s burning money/damaging his health.

I’d tell him you were upset by his thoughtlessness chucking a gift you got him. You aren’t going to buy for him again he’ll need to give you a list/do a day out instead etc.

How old are they? I'd have asked for it all back!

I take it he didn't say anything?

They all strike me as extremely rude

Ok I strongly disagree and think it’s distasteful.

I think some people just don’t value the thought of receiving gifts, and what it represents, especially when the gift giver enjoys the choosing, wrapping, gifting and enjoyment you hope the other person gets from it.

I am a thoughtful gift giver. I once bought an ex partner a nice jumper which I knew he liked. He wore it a lot, but one day he had a nose bleed getting blood on the jumper, and he threw the jumper away. I didn’t find out until I realised I hadn’t seen it in a while. I was really upset that he hadn’t even considered trying to get the blood out, which on a dark grey jumper would have been easily done, and chose instead to chuck it straight in the bin.

I was surprised how hurt I felt that he didn’t care it was a gift from me and made no effort to clean it.

Sorry OP I have put UABU because I think a set of hot sauces is a really naff present, to be brutally honest. It’d go straight in the bin in my house too - and we love spicy food!

If a woman was on here saying her DH got her hot sauce for Xmas they would be telling her to LTB!

Buy him a bin to put future gifts in! 😬

It's horrible, but that's a whole different argument (I was the daughter of smokers and I loathed it, so I would have been very upset with that type of present)

Absolutely. My mum is the worst! One year she got me three bookmarks, two notebooks, two coasters, several mugs, a random desk organiser and I get a pair of gloves and scarf set from tk maxx every year!! I have told her so many times to just buy me ONE present. She seems to think it’s kind to offload a load of useless tat onto me 🤷🏼‍♀️

oh this. 100%. I hate the waste and clutter of more ‘stuff’. I am always grateful and gracious but have lost count of the times my heart has sank because I hate ‘excess’ and feel bad that the person has wasted their money.

Pre teens.

He didn't say anything no, it went completely over his head. He claimed not to hear the rude remarks even though he was in the same room.

I spoke to him about it the next day when they'd left and he didn't have much to say about it at all, he just accepted that I would no longer be going to all that effort with gifts for them. Personally I think he should have said something, not have a go, just something like "DP went to alot of effort for your presents and you've been quite rude, that's not how we treat people" but nope nothing.

I don't think they were taught how to be polite when somebody gives you a present, DP probably wasn't either and so it went on.

OP, it sounds as if your DP gets a kick out of the relationship being one sided re gifts, i.e. you are doing all the work. Was his childhood really that bad or is he just making excuses, as if he is what his parents made him?
He sounds ignorant and you sound the exact opposite, but opposites attract.

You say that like it was his main present. It was an extra. A smaller thing to accompany the main ones. Something he does for me every year.

Although if you love spicy food then why on earth would you put them in the bin?

That's like me saying I love chocolate but if you give me some for Christmas I'm going to throw it in the bin.

Bizarre.

This!!

Ok it was rude and thoughtless saying the sauce set could go in the bin. And he ought to have the balls to say he doesn’t want gifts rather than just ignoring what you get him.

But honestly… some people just don’t want gifts. I don’t (I am very picky, hate clutter and prefer to choose my own stuff). Stop buying him stuff!

Loving spicy food is not the same as wanting a gift set of hot sauces.

Right.

Well, this is a man who puts tobassco sauce or crushed chilli flakes in lots of things he makes for himself. It doesn't need to make sense to you.

She's not doing all the work though. She is saying he buys her thoughtful gifts. He just doesn't care himself.

OP, just make him do a wishlist. And he should definitely tell his kids to be polite.

The shop which does the engraving said its a very common request. Their ad had dozens of pictures of kids, pets and so forth engraved on the lighters.

Of course the shop think it’s acceptable. They want to sell and are trying to think of as many things they can engrave as possible. I’m with the poster further up, I hated smoking as a child and would NOT have wanted my face on a parents lighter. It’s beyond distasteful.

You can think it's distasteful all you like, plenty of people don't. Your opinion on the lighter is irrelevant.

Just a thought-could your DP be neurodivergent? My DH is Autistic and I have ADHD. We are both funny with gifts. If he receives something he doesn't like, he will either not use it/throw it or actually tell the gift giver he doesn't like or need it. In his head he thinks he's being helpful so that they can take it back and get their money back and it may give them an indication of what not to get in the future. He just doesn't 'get' the social constructs around these kind of things.

Me on the other hand, I have total understanding of gift etiquette but my ADHD means that I may convince myself that I really want 'xyz' and it would be the best gift ever, but by the time I receive it, my magpie mind has moved onto the new thing that will now 'complete' my life 😬. I know it's exhausting for people around me, but it's how my mind works, so now I expressly tell people not to get me anything as I don't want to upset them, but they still get me things and they still get upset when I'm not into the thing I was into 3 months ago anymore.

Just a thought... Could explain why his reaction to you being offended is a bit puzzling.

I’m a crap gift receiver! I appreciate I’m picky.
on the surface I like typical things, eg I like chocolate, but I don’t want to be bought chocolate with palm oil in as I avoid buying it myself so I don’t want to be bought it for the same reason.
perfume I have lots of.
toiletries I again don’t like things with palm oil in
clothes are really hard to get ones that fit (most people avoid clothes as I’m a weird shape)
I don’t massively like gift vouchers as there are no high street shops that I regularly buy from and I don’t go shopping, then if I use it to buy from that shop online then I often return part of the order (see: clothes that fit being hard to get) then they refund onto the gift voucher so it often remains unused.
I don’t like ‘stuff’ - I think it’s a waste. I try not to add to the plastic mountain.

I am very happy with a second hand book or DVD! But people say that’s not a ‘gift’ but to me it is!

To be fair I had two lovely zippos (1 I bought and 1 a gift from DH) and never really used them even back when I smoked because they where a PITA... half the time you had to strike them 20 times to get them to light, it was a massive pain to refill them and even worse when the wick needed plyering out.

a pack of £1 disposable is a million times easier and more effective.