DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

Oh yes, this is me too. I actually dread Christmas and all the big grand gift opening as its such a strain trying to look smiley when all I'm thinking is 'what the fuck am I going to do with this?'

“I would actually prefer he tells me he doesn't want it upon opening it so he can swap it for something else or I can get my money back.”

I agree, but go back to the Xmas threads and half of MN would say that’s really rude!

I’m not bothered about receiving presents. I mostly find them wasteful. They seem like a great gift, but they’re not. Like the hot sauces - yes he likes hot sauces, but you can like the ones you like with no interest in trying something. People keep buying my sister gin - she’s not interested, she just likes the gin she likes. I get given books about <niche interest> but rarely ones I’d be drawn to myself.

I would just stop buying for him, with no fanfare or punitive element. It sounds like you’re not hitting the spot despite on the face of it seeming to.

@MissyCooperismyShero 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I like getting presents. But I don't like people getting me things I don't want, or presents for the sake of it. So I ask DH to get me certain things and say to anyone else that a bottle of wine or chocolates are fine as they will get used.

It sounds like a lot of this stuff is novelty stuff for the sake of it. Not very useful, even though given with care and thought. I'd stop bothering.

I would just tell him that from now on you will not be buying him any gifts as you have apparently got it so wrong so many times. I think once you have got that off your chest and you both know where you stand then things will feel better especially for you.

She didn't just get him hot sauces for Christmas, she clearly says it was one of the small presents that she bought him ffs

I think this post might have a point.

I don't like personalised items. I might have worn a bracelet with "Mum" on it if it had been chosen specially by the person to whom I'm a Mum (and they'd been under 10 at the time) That doesn't however mean I'd ever want anyone else to replace it if it got broken.

Buy him things he already has and uses - like a big pack of disposable lighters (to save him from going to the corner shop), toiletries he already uses, razor he already uses, a voucher for the Chinese takeaway, chocolates he eats, etc. Maybe he just doesn't like anything different/new.

Yeah you may think it’s irrelevant, your dp obviously didn’t like it either.

Well if there's one thing to come from this thread it has been the discovery that we're tacky people, so thanks for that 😁

No more personalised gifts, hot sauces, bracelets, games, gaming accessories etc from me.

I like the idea of buying an experience or a nice meal somewhere instead. I don't particularly need anything myself so this year I'll suggest we just don't do presents to one another and instead spend what we would have spent on something we can 'do'

He said he did like it. If he thought it was shit he would say so. Perhaps like a PP said its just not as practical to carry around with him. Perhaps as another PP suggested he doesn't want to lose or break it. There could be any one of 100 reasons he isn't using it but I can assure you it isn't because he finds it "distasteful"

You might want to dislodge that stick, it can't be comfortable to sit on.

I’m terrible with gifts. I’m polite enough to thank people when they give me something, and I do appreciate the effort sort of, but I enjoy buying myself things much more than I enjoy receiving gifts. I quite like giving gifts though. The thing is that gifts are rarely exactly what I want and then I feel like I have to keep the item around and not buy the similar item I actually want. And then I have to pretend to like it and be grateful when I’m not, which feels like lying. I don’t like lying to people. Gifts are a bit of a headfuck to be honest.

This will probably sound daft but there is a love languages thing I read once which made sense to me. Some people feel loved when others give them material possessions, some prefer the gift of time and so on.

I am not into gifts for myself. I have drawers of candles and perfumes and wotnot that I keep until I hope the giver has forgotten then I donate them.

I try to figure out what other people value but I probably get it wrong just as well intentioned friends do for me.

But I would hate a gift pack of hot sauces and an engraved something etc. I have what I need and I don’t want anything else. Even flowers, all I can think is oh my god the waste wrt all the cellophane and that the flowers could have stayed in the garden for the bees.

I don't want to jump to conclusions and assume it's a 'me' problem but he has alot more regard for things his ex and kids get him, than he does that I buy him from ours.

He didn't say anything no, it went completely over his head. He claimed not to hear the rude remarks even though he was in the same room.

So he chose to ignore it rather than support you?

He genuinely saw nothing wrong in handing me the sauces and asking me to put them in the bin.

Why do you think that is?

He can be quite rude in general then completely miffed that I have taken offence.

Does he often take offence when you react to his behaviour?

I have two bottles unopened which I bought myself about 18 montns ago, as I very rarely drink they've just sat there unopened. I said to him today I might aswell get rid of them as I'm not going to drink them and they're just taking up space. I would've offered them to a friend. He was insisting I don't get rid of them because he'll drink them himself. I haven't seen him drink a glass of wine in about 5 years.

Does he often neg things you say? Stop you from doing something you have suggested or want to do?

That's like me saying I love chocolate but if you give me some for Christmas I'm going to throw it in the bin.

Bizarre.

It does sound very odd behaviour. I'm sorry to have gone through all your posts and pick bits out but so much of what you say is ringing bells. Are you sure his behaviour is entirely innocent?

DP and I don't like surprises and aren't bothered about gifts. We'd rather just buy stuff for ourselves that we need. It might sound joyless but it actually isn't as it saves money and resentment and means we can get exactly what we want/need. Maybe he's the same?

The last paragraph is rather sweet, not weird.

So he chose to ignore it rather than support you?

Basically yes, although I'm sure he would say he's being supportive by accepting that I'm no longer going to be doing that for his kids rather than trying to talk me round.

Why do you think that is? (That he thought it was perfectly acceptable to hand me the gift and tell me to put it in the bin)

Because in his mind he doesn't feel he is being rude. He doesn't think he's going to bother using them so they're just taking up space and we'd might aswell get rid. If he thought it was rude to throw them away he'd do it discretely. He genuinely saw no issue with it. Weird eh?

Does he often neg things you say? Stop you from doing something you have suggested or want to do?

I wouldn't say he negs per se, but he is somebody who wants something his way. If I override something he huffs a bit.

Rude.

Shock horror, an OP bites back at somebody being condescending and rude.

FrequentNCer1 · Today 17:47

Well if there's one thing to come from this thread it has been the discovery that we're tacky people, so thanks for that 😁

No more personalised gifts, hot sauces, bracelets, games, gaming accessories etc from me.

I like the idea of buying an experience or a nice meal somewhere instead. I don't particularly need anything myself so this year I'll suggest we just don't do presents to one another and instead spend what we would have spent on something we can 'do'
And definitely do not light your cigarettes with a tacky Zippo that has your kids picture on it as they may not agree to it! WTAF! 😅😅

I was going to say this exact thing

I think OP you need to feel more compassion about what might be going on for him and stop making it all about you. Its not for you to feel happy or offended or whatever when you give someone a present, its for them isnt it? You dont need validation for what you get someone?

I don't buy for validation, I just don't expect him to tell me to throw it in the bin.

Whilst I can see where people are coming from with regards to the lack of presents growing up I really don't think it's that deep. I know him very well.

Also what on earth? have I really just been told I shouldn't feel offended if my DP tells me to throw my gift in the bin? This place can be bonkers.

I don't know one person who wouldn't be offended in that situation. It's rude.

Try that yourself this Christmas when your husband/in laws gives you something naff, just hand it straight back and say "this can go in the bin"

Come back and tell me whether they were offended 😂

Honestly some people are bonkers!

Ill ask DD if she minds her face being on daddy's lighter, if she says that she does then ill throw that in the bin myself 😂

That poster was trying to help - by discussing the obvious problem your partner has with gifts and his upsetting back story. You're choosing to take offence , which is your right - but is it helping you?

Sometimes trying to recognise that another person's problem is no reflection on ourselves is a more useful/productive way to respond.