DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

If I thought it was in any way related to his childhood I wouldn't be so upset about it. It's not that deep. He just clearly doesn't care for crappy (to him) presents.

He was perfectly happy with the TV I bought him years ago.

Gotta say OP, you’re not coming across well here. Posters have explained to you why they don’t like or want gifts but you won’t take that onboard. You seem determined to continue giving unwanted gifts then taking offence about the way they are received. You are imposing your values on people who do not hate them. I get that you consider gift giving to be kind and generous, but can you stop for a moment to consider that not everyone shares your view?

Your partner not receiving gifts during his childhood will have had a huge impact on how he consciously or subconsciously views gift giving. I think if you try to step back from your indignity and take onboard what he’s telling you ie that he doesn’t value gifts, you could save yourself a lot of unhappiness.

** do not share them
not do not hate them 🙄

But you haven’t considered it deeply at all, you seem attached to being offended. You say he’s otherwise a great guy so maybe try to believe that he doesn’t place importance on gift giving in the way you do rather than trying to change him?

Ok, well I very reasonably set out for you, why you might consider looking outside of yourself to think about someone elses perspective

Not sure there is a need for the emojies or calling things 'bonkers'.

You dont appear to have spoken to him before about it, but now have a list as long as your arm of all your previous offended memories.

Good luck

Throw his lighter, his cigarettes and him in the bin

Definitely do not buy him any presents in future. Ungrateful twat.

@FrequentNCer1
@halfsiesonapotnoodle

Both “got” and “gotten” are perfectly acceptable in the English language.
”Got” is used more in the UK.
”Gotten” is used more in North America.

@halfsiesonapotnoodle YABALU for calling OP out on something that isn’t unreasonable at all. 😄

He certainly seems an ungrateful pickle, op

Because in his mind he doesn't feel he is being rude. He doesn't think he's going to bother using them so they're just taking up space and we'd might aswell get rid. If he thought it was rude to throw them away he'd do it discretely. He genuinely saw no issue with it. Weird eh?

Or could it be that he doesn't care about hurting you feelings? Or perhaps even actively wants to hurt your feelings? Do you think he would behave the same way with anyone else who gave him a gift?

I don't think he would no. I can't imagine today's situation playing out with anybody else we know.

Your question sprung to mind the time his dad broight him some cooked food rojnd. It was a hot day and DP thought it smelt off. He wanted to throw it in the bin but waited until his dad had left to do it and said he really didn't want him knowing he'd thrown it away.

So he obviously can pick and choose who to be rude to.

don't buy him "stuff" - celebratory meals or theatre as gifts, the you get half

Yes that's what I think I'm going to do moving forward, experiences and meals out

OP I’m conflicted.

On one hand, he was very rude to you (could bring a tear to my eye for sure) and it wasn’t a one off. I have a sibling like this and I find it insulting that my efforts are meaningless to them. They thank me by embarrassing me about how clueless and off the mark I am. It honestly affects how I view them as a person, so I get it.

On the other hand, gift-wise, it’s like you’ve popped into an Argos/Menkind and panic bought all the stuff they have on offer and push around Christmas - hot sauce sets, marvel tat, gaming gizmos, “Dad” jewellery (I’d have been very privately and profoundly relieved when that broke). But I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume these were all just add on bits as you’ve suggested up thread. I’d also be far more concerned that he smokes than with the reception my gifts get. Not judging btw, as my DP smokes, but it’s a huge health concern for him, me and future DC.

Also I love the sass in your replies so far 🍿

OP I understand where you are coming from. My ex was very much like this. I made him one of those fruit bouquets as he said he liked them. I thought he would love it as I actually made it myself and it turned out amazing well. He didn’t touch it. He wanted one of the bought ones. That really hurt my feelings. He said he wanted a pair of khaki pants so I bought them, he never wore them. And I was stood next to him when he put them in the donate pile with the tags on 😂 There were other gifts that he never used but when one of his tees made him a bracelet he wore it proudly 😂

i simply stopped buying /making his ungrateful arse any more gifts. Altho it made me sad as I enjoy gift giving.

I think your gifts sound very thoughtful but I would never buy him anything again. Like someone said maybe experiences or dinner out is the way to go. My ex did enjoy that even tho to me there’s nothing really special about going out but it’s not about us right? 😁

Just don’t buy him anything any more. He probably won’t notice it. Spend the money on yourself. And what’s with the gamer BS? Is he an overgrown child?

He sounds ungrateful and I would tell him that from now on he needs to make a list of things he actually wants/needs. My hubby drops hints about what he would like and normally he'll get some of them.

Spicy Chinese food?! Loooooool

A few words paint a picture of a type Gamer, smoker, bracelet wearing individual.

Just don’t buy him anything else. If he asks where his present is, say well they usually go unused or in the bin so I thought we’d stop the charade.

My husband is really specific in his tastes and v anti-waste. Also not afraid to make anyone feel rubbish by his ungrateful antics. He doesn’t get many presents from anyone anymore and that’s how he likes it!

There is only one correct response to receiving a gift.

" Thank you"

We have the same MIL???? Scary there’s more than one of her out there!

He is a control freak, you bought it, hence it is not acceptable.

After a bit more time has passed, I'd be tempted to gather up all the gifts you've bought him over the years and make two piles, successful and unsuccessful.
Then I'd have a think to myself about why the items might be in each pile.
Then I'd say to him that I was hoping to buy him more successful gifts in the future, and could he offer any insight as to why some had worked well and some hadn't.
What do you reckon to my plan OP? :)

Excellent 😀