DP wanted to throw an unopened gift from me in the bin..

[FrequentNCer1]

My partner is partial to spicy food. One of the smaller gifts I got him for Christmas was a hot sauce gift set consisting of lots of different sauces. Not cheap shit either.

He thanked me and put them ontop of the kitchen cupboards where they remained untouched until today when we were painting the walls. I was throwing old some old rubbish in the bin and he hands me the gift set and says "here darling, they can go aswell"

I asked if he was being serious and he said yes. I said that was a hurtful as I'd just bought them for him and he hasn't even bothered to try them. He replied he couldn't 'because of his tooth' which he has a problem with. Said dental issue hasn't stopped him ordering spicy food from the Chinese though. I said he was being quite rude and he said he didn't mean to be (he genuinely didn't see the problem)

I said if he didn't want them then I'd just use them myself because it's such a waste to throw it away unopened.

This then prompted me to think of other gifts I'd gotten him which he has never bothered with. A new game that was popular at the time that he supposedly wanted. Another thing was an electrical gaming accessory that he was telling me was such a great thing in the weeks before I bought it for him. It sits in the wardrobe unopened (he's a gamer so these arent things unrelated to his hobbies or interests)

I got his children some lovely presents for Christmas and didn't scrimp in the process, everything was in line with their interests - I was made to feel like I shouldn't have bothered. Totally ungrateful. It's obvious where they get that from isn't it?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?

Yes this is what I was trying to explain too.

It is shocking he received no gifts, that is awfully cruel. He must have been very sad as a child.

To light his cigarettes. He must buy a new disposable from the corner shop atleast once a week. He has a constant need for a lighter so the zippo made sense as a refillable one, the portrait of the children on it was a gesture for fathers day.

Does he pick good presents for you?

OP, you sound lovely an thoughtful but have unfortunately ended up with a rude uncouth man who has raised his children in his likeness.

You deserve better.

Why you have accepted such repeated rudeness is beyond me.

Well done for handing any and ALL gift buying for his children over to him.

As for him, a box of biscuits would be as much as he would get going forward.

I see you have children with him, say he is quite a rude man and you feel taken for granted?

Step back and do a lot less for him.

We teach people how to treat us.

Anytime I have felt take for granted I step back firmly.

As for his rude children, stop doing anything for them too.

I think he is putting you in your place with the gifts, no one is THAT thick.

You deserve better.

So why not just get it fixed? This just feels a bit like marking your territory. As the daughter of someone who has gone on to remarry, if new wife replaced a gift from me with a gift from me and her kids, I'd roll my eyes. If you truly were doing something selfless and thoughtful, you'd have just offered to get it fixed. He might have said no.

See If he'd just said that there wouldn't be a problem 😂

It's much less offensive to be told not to buy a gift than to be told to lob the one you did buy in the bin.

Just get him some consumables that he’ll actually use - a bottle of his favours
its drink/some beers/ case of Coke/ chocolate/gig tickets/toiletries he’s running out of/socks/pants - boring stuff, but stuff that won’t go to waste.

My last post was in response to your getting defensive about what someone said about the bracelet. It wasn't a thoughtful thing to do. Quite thoughtless in fact. Sorry OP.

Ok I missed that op wrote he smokes. I just think a lighter with your kids faces on it, used for smoking, is a very weird gift.. If anything it should remind him to quit for their sake.

That's so disrespectful and rude! Did your DH say anything to them about that?

The last part I said in jest. I thought it was sad he didn't get anything too. He did get gifts when he was a young child but it all stopped when he got to about 13-14. His mum worked two jobs to make ends meet and they weren't well off at all. His dad has never been a gift buyer, not even for his grandkids.

Children and cigarettes don’t really go together..your dp sounds ungrateful but that was one very weird gift.

If he got gifts early but they stopped later then that would have been different to never getting them, but still very upsetting.

Imagine having a dad who 'wasn't a gift buyer'.

I feel very sorry for him. Even when I was skint I made a fuss of my kids for their birthdays.

I'm glad you mentioned wine! I have two bottles unopened which I bought myself about 18 montns ago, as I very rarely drink they've just sat there unopened. I said to him today I might aswell get rid of them as I'm not going to drink them and they're just taking up space. I would've offered them to a friend. He was insisting I don't get rid of them because he'll drink them himself. I haven't seen him drink a glass of wine in about 5 years.

So he wanted to hang on to the wine nobody was drinking that I bought for myself but wanted me to bin his Christmas present. Strange bloke 😜

She’s buying things she wants to get for him because it’s the sort of things he likes

To be fair, I love my children, but if anyone had bought me a lighter with their picture on it when I smoked, I'd have put it in a drawer too.

Likewise I was slightly obsessed with JD in Pirates of the Carribean, but giving me a mug or a control holder with him on it would be a bit meh. I'd put that away too. Maybe he likes 'the thing', or the hobby, but it's a step too far to have motifs all over the place. Hard to explain but it's a bit twee.

His childhood was fine from what I know, apart from the fact he says he never got presents due to money being tight.

For real? He never received any Christmas or birthday presents ever?

I've x-posted with your 'in jest' remark, OP. So he did get presents?

Tell him that instead of buying him presents from now on, you’re going to make a donation in his name to a worthy cause- and buy yourself something nice with the money you would have spent.

I hate personalised things like this and think they are tacky. Are they to his taste?

It wasn't a direct gift from his kids, they were far too young to have any involvement in gift giving when he got it. His ex got him it saying its a present from the kids.

I didn't see that I was doing anything wrong in doing the same, I thought it would make him happy. I got it as a gift 'from the kids'.

I accept it could seem a bit tone deaf if that particular one held alot of sentimental value.

I disagree.

The shop which does the engraving said its a very common request. Their ad had dozens of pictures of kids, pets and so forth engraved on the lighters.

If you're a smoker its a perfectly acceptable gift.

I have since clarified, he did get presents when he was a younger child but it stopped when he reached 13-14. His mum worked two jobs to name ends meet and money was tight. His dad (separated by then) was never one for buying gifts. It is sad yes.

Until around 13-14 but not after that

I totally get it OP. When someone I care about gives me a gift I use it or display it at least for a while even if I find it not to my taste, out of both manners and sentiment that they had bothered to chose something and spend money on it. When people don't do that or are rude about gifts I can't help but to judge them negatively - as if their "superior" taste and style and signalling that are such important things. Although, like PP have suggested, there might be complex stuff going on to make them behave in this way.

Absolutely. He has a personalised wallet. Keyring (not from me). As per the other gifts its in keeping with his tastes.