MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

If you can afford to then send your child full time to the childminder, tell mil that laying on the sofa in the vicinity of your child isn’t childcare and isn’t helpful

So even your DH must acknowledge theres a problem if he doesnt want DD at her house.

Just say the childminder wants full time placements only and as DD is settled, you would prefer to keep her there.

Take the 2 extra childminder days permanently. This isn't working for you, you can't do your job, and it's causing you stress.

Really a straight 'no, this doesn't work for me' to your DH and then from your DH to MIL should be enough. If you're not able to do that, can you start going into the office the days your MIL was previously babysitting? You need to be in the office, the childminder is caring for DD, if your DH wants MIL looking after DD then it's his problem to solve.

How would you feel about MIL regularly having DD for half a day at the weekend? Then DH could facilitate (also getting quality time with his mum!) whilst you get some time (outside the house!) to do your own thing? I suspect you're doing most of the weekend childcare (tell me I'm wrong!) so it's a win all round. Keep the other weekend day for family time: just you, DH and DD.

Why are you worrying more about your MIL's happiness than your daughters? :-/

Leave her with the childminder, with whom she seems to be getting much better care from.

And your DH really needs to learn to stand up TO her and stand up FOR you and your little girl, then his mother might stop behaving this way if she knows she won't get anywhere.

Does your DH not want the income your job brings ?

That's how I'd position this. Your MIL is there to provide childcare, you are unable to get your work done when she is there. Your DD is safely cared for and you are able to do your job when DD is at the childminders.

Can you fib a bit and say that you need to start going into the office on random days ?

It's not childcare if your child is actually there while you are trying to work! Either she has DD at her own house or use professional childcare.

Smile sweetly, tell the MIL you want to have your child mix with other children so they develop lovely social skills and say how wonderful it is to have her as an emergency childcare backup and how grateful you are that she can help that way.

then place child full time in childcare and never use MIL for emergency if you can help it.

Worked for me (and still does)

neither me or my DH feel totally comfortable with her looking after DD alone for the whole day.

So your DH knows she's incompetent, knows your DD will therefore not be well looked after, knows your work and your mental health will suffer for it and yet allows this to continue? Why? And why is it OK for him to swan off to work and not have to deal with this, but to leave you to get on with it? Why is it ok for him to act like an inconsiderate arsehole towards his wife, whilst pandering to his mother?

You may not want to but you are going to need to raise merry hell. The alternative is a lifetime of kowtowing to this woman whilst your husband repeatedly lets you down.

So your DH isn’t happy with MIL looking after DD on her own/at her house and thinks you need to be present, but doesn’t get you need to work? Tell him to take a days leave and be at home so he can see. Or that your work have commented that your productivity has gone up and they were thinking about having a serious chat with you.
seriously, he needs to fuck of and tell her no. I really think that generation don’t get the working from home thing, that you’re not just sitting watching tv taking the odd call/wiggling a mouse but actually distracted and working.

Op, I’m a granny who looks after a grandchild, in fact I share the care with my little ones other granny and it’s a really good arrangement because we’re on the same page with regards to wanting it to be the best it can be. So, for eg, We’d never arrange to be away on holiday at the same time as each other let alone repeatedly go on holiday over a few months.

The situation you’re in sounds awful and you don’t have to put up with this nonsense so just put your foot down and do what’s best for your child.

Sorry, just add, we do the looking after in our own homes.

I know it’s not right but I would just lie. Say you are working 3 days a week now and don’t need her until at least next year. Let your husband bring your child to visit her on the weekends.

Have to agree with this. Hit it head-on and stand your ground. The sooner you do it the sooner the dust will settle.

OP you sound utterly bullied into a corner by your MIL and DH

Your MIL isn't helping in any practical way, in fact she's hindering your ability to work

Your DH is being utterly ridiculous to let you carry on in this situation

personally i would CHOOSE to have the big family argument (in a quiet, determined, non-explosive boundary setting way) and make it clear your decision is in the best interest of your DD and you

you honestly can't live your life like this - your DD deserves better care on the days she's not at the childminder, and your MIL sounds like a selfish bully. your DH is a massive problem too.

they can all just fuck off IMHO.
do what's right for DD and you.

well having read your other threads it sounds like your being ground down by your DH and MIL- You knew she wasnt interested in helping you out but yet you still have her looking after your DC. She was pushing your boundaries very early on and still is and your DH is just as bad.

Go and take your DC home to spend time with your mum where you can still WFH and whilst away you reflect on the shitty pair.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3957812-fed-up-with-mil?postsby=Sunsetred

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4517823-dh-criticising-parenting-this-evening

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4099759-what-do-your-mils-do-when-they-come-over

YANBU.

Is the MIL actually capable of taking care of your child, or is she just lonely and the care is just a wayhow to be with you, but it is clear the care won't happen?

If she is capable, is it a case that MIL doesn't respect your work, but might be less obstructive to your DH's work?

Your DP needs to understand that the current setup doesn't work well and that change is coming one way or other. It might seem that you are managing fine, but you don't.

The only question is how this change will looklike. You have an option of using the childminder all days, which would cover our obligation and allow you to work.
If he wants to facilitate MIL spending time with your child, can he regularly work from home, maybe one day a week?
If he can't commit regularly, maybe using the childminder as a base option every day and inviting MIL for a day from time as he manages to work from home to facilitate it?
Can you use the childminder for whole week, but allow MIL to pick earlier on some day and take care just for several hours?

Just make sure that you don't end up facilitaing both yours and his days.

So what if there's drama?

Stick to your guns

If neither you nor DH feel comfortable with MIL looking after DD for the whole day then it isn't bloody childcare is it?

Put her in nursery full time. MIL will be upset - so what?

Your DH sounds like a total wet fish.
He seems to have no respect for you or your job.

Do you think you can have DH WFH one day while you go and work from a co-working space or go into the office? That way he gets to see first hand how MIL childminding days look like?

Or making a list of activities MIL does with your DD and a list of activities childminder does and then comparing? I mean, ultimately, this has to benefit your child - so if MIL is spending time watching tv/sleeping/complaining instead of playing with your DD/taking her out for walks/teaching her stuff - then it should be a pretty simple decision for your DH to make. Or you have a bigger problem than MIL.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, OP.

You and your husband need to present a united front and tell your mother in law that this arrangement is no longer working for you because you find yourself needing to step in and take care of your child when you are supposed to be working.

Sorry, you are going to have to choose between a "huge family drama" OR sucking up being miserable, stressed, & still having to supervise MiL's "childcare" to the detriment of your own work & peace of mind.

Bear in mind that it won't be YOU causing the drama, it will be MiL's unreasonable demands & shitstirring causing it.

You didn't want MiL's childcare, but settled on the 2 day compromise.
MiL doesn't actually do much childcare, because that's not really her interest - her interest is in getting her own way, shitstirring, & lying on your sofa disrupting your work with her loud phone calls, complaints, & lack of actual ... childcare.

You say you are anxious every night before the childcare, mainly because MiL goes out of her way to create discord between you & DH.

DH is not blameless here.
She has had her at her house a couple of times and that was better for me but my DH was worried about DD being there all day and that made me worried so I brought her home after lunch.
So ... he doesn't like DD being with his mother, & instead of stepping in as a parent, he instructs you to take over. Why does he get to impose this on you, as if your job isn't as valid as his?

My MiL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH.
He doesn't listen to you, & is obviously siding with his mother about an issue which doesn't affect him but is expecting you to suck it up so he doesn't have to disagree with his mother.
She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion.
Again - it doesn't affect him. It affects YOU, but he doesn't have his work disrupted, 2 anxious evenings worrying about what unpleasant remarks MiL is going to be making the next day, or spend 2 days underperforming at work due to having to pick up MiL's slack.
He is throwing you under the bus in order to pander to his mother.

First, you need strong words with DH.
My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work.
Stop buying this bullshit from him.
He knows damn well - because YOU HAVE TOLD HIM. He is simply choosing not to acknowledge it, because IT DOESN'T AFFECT HIM.
You need to tell him - again - how much this is stressing you out.
How anxious you are each evening before MiL's "childcare".
How disruptive she is in your home, & how much childcare she leaves to you.
How it is making you underperform at work.
How she makes obnoxious remarks, & lies on your sofa complaining.

Then remind him that he KNOWS MiL is incapable of looking after DD for a full day, as he won't allow her to do a full day at her own house.
Ask him why he feels it's OK for you to suck all that up.
Tell him that no matter what he thinks, it IS NOT OK & DD is going to the childminder she loves full time, you will no longer pander to his mother at the expense of your own mental health, & that he needs to back his own wife for a change & stop imposing his mother on you.
Remind him that HE isn't affected, & how unfair it is to dump his mother on you, pretending it's childcare, when it does nothing but make more work & stress for you.

Then tackle MiL.
There's no easy way to do it, but you can dress it up with how, when she comes to yours for childminding, she's so tired she lies on the sofa unable to actually look after DD, so you are going fulltime with the childminder so MiL can enjoy fun times at weekends or evenings instead.

Let her kick off, don't allow your husband to tell you who is allowed to impose themselves on you in your home office, & - at last - stick up for your right to be as unaffected by MiL's dominance display "childminding" as he is - the selfish git.

This whole situation is mad. You and your DH agreed to let your MIL look after your daughter for two full days a week, even though neither of you actually think she can cope with your daughter alone for even one full day? What? Why did you ever let this happen in the first place? A simple 'no, she needs to be at nursery/with a childminder' would have been fine.

To be honest, I think a lot of employers would have some concerns about someone working from home if they were also keeping an eye on both their toddler and their MIL - so maybe you could use that as your excuse to stop the arrangement and tell your MIL that your employer has told you it's no longer an option?

I just need to find a way to deal with it without causing a huge family drama.

No, your DH needs to find a way of growing a pair of balls and stopping his mother from dictating your childcare arrangements. Who gives a shit if it causes a big family drama? Light the blue touchpaper, stand well back and simply watch the fireworks from a distance. Sounds like having less of your MIL in your lives would be a bonus anyway.

Sheesh, I've just seen your other threads where you say that your MIL 'is insisting that you live close to her' and where your DH had a go at you for [checks notes] giving a toddler a lemon drink when she had a cold.

You have major issues here, OP. You really need to have a very, very serious talk with your DH about your marriage.

This whole situation is mad. You and your DH agreed to let your MIL look after your daughter for two full days a week, even though neither of you actually think she can cope with your daughter alone for even one full day? What? Why did you ever let this happen in the first place? A simple 'no, she needs to be at nursery/with a childminder' would have been fine.
It's mad all right.
But I can see how it happened. OP references how it causes arguments (which she believes MiL enjoys) between her & H.
MiL suggested it, OP said NO WAY, H sided with his mother, OP backed down, sucked it up, & is now at the end of her tether.
This is just the classic "it doesn't cause ME any bother, unless I say NO to my mother, so I'll dump the entire problem on my wife" H selfishness.
MiL now believes she is golden - hence the lying on OP's sofa, making loud disruptive phone calls, complaining, & making nasty remarks. She thinks she's achieved dominance over OP. Unfortunately, until OP creates a "huge family drama" & shuts this shit down - she's right.

No, your DH needs to find a way of growing a pair of balls and stopping his mother from dictating your childcare arrangements. Who gives a shit if it causes a big family drama? Light the blue touchpaper, stand well back and simply watch the fireworks from a distance. Sounds like having less of your MIL in your lives would be a bonus anyway.
I agree, but I doubt H will. He likes the status quo because he doesn't have to deal with it, be upset by it, or affected by it. All the trouble & anxiety is for his wife, not him. It's outrageous how selfish he is being.

OP's only choice is to make H understand that the consequences of continuing to piss his wife off are going to be far worse - FOR HIM - than pissing his mother off.