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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and childcare

256 replies

Sunsetred · 06/06/2022 22:34

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/06/2022 23:50

‘MIL, having DD in the house while I am working is affecting my work. She needs to be at the childminder so that I can do my job. Thanks for your help so far, but we are changing things from now on.’

greatblueheron · 06/06/2022 23:50

I'd pull your DH up on all this frankly. If he wants to 'keep the peace' with his mother, then HE needs to work from home on the day or days MIL is supposedly watching his child. So you can actually work like you're being paid to do.

If he can't or won't agree to this, then DC goes to the childminder and he explains it to his mother.

NessieMcNessface · 06/06/2022 23:56

Look it’s simple. You've had your childminder doing the extra day day and it’s been ‘the dream’ for you. The alternative of having your MIL back in the house is giving you massive anxiety at the very thought. Don’t even think about giving in over this; one day is absolutely enough contact for her to be having with your child, especially as she seems to be pretty useless. Be strong and insist it’s not happening rather than giving in to her tantrums and make it clear to your husband you’re not having it any other way. I’d rather have the drama of upsetting her than the massive irritation of having her there. Sorry if I sound waspy; it’s late and I feel so cross on your behalf!!!

FlamingoQueen · 07/06/2022 00:02

I would say to mil that you are struggling on the days that she’s at your house because you are working and doing the childcare. You could also say that you’re concerned it will spoil any future relationships with you and your dd. You think she would be better off being a ‘fun’ grandma - taking her for days out etc when older -rather than one sat on the sofa whilst you do all the work.

converseandjeans · 07/06/2022 00:12

DH need to do a day wfh while she's there.

Is there any possibility of either you or DH doing a 4 day week. Then DD goes to childminder 4 days?

MIL sounds really controlling.

InChocolateWeTrust · 07/06/2022 00:17

You need to be out of the house if she insists upon being there and you arent willing to be firm about using the childminder instead.

Can you go to a local cafe or library to work instead?

MermaidMummy06 · 07/06/2022 00:26

It WILL cause drama so stop trying to factor that in. Do what works for you.

I had a similar situation. I used the excuse that DD needed to socialise more & a regular routine. MIL hissed & spat & made snide comments but I held firm, remembering how much the decision improved MY life.

I told DH if he pushed to give in to her (she was very domineering over him) he would be taking over dealing with childcare pick ups/drop offs at MIL's (he'd get stuck there for an hour every night). So of course, he then agreed with me.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 00:32

Op, my dear, I say this gently, but stop being a doormat and stop giving a fuck if your batshit mother-in-law gets upset. The "care" she is providing for your child is shit and doesn't work. Tell her firmly that her "services" are no longer needed and enroll your child full time with her childcare provider.

Your husband can deal with the tantrum.

KosherDill · 07/06/2022 00:34

"Sorry but my job requirements have changed and i need the house to myself now on weekdays. Thanks all the same."

Giraffesandbottoms · 07/06/2022 05:10

I can’t believe you’re letting someone look after your child when your husband and you would be concerned if they had them all day at their house. Why would you be? How can you let someone walk all over you like this?! Tell her to fuck off she sounds awful.

Sciurus83 · 07/06/2022 05:18

Your DH needs to stop using you as collateral damage in pleasing his mother. If he wants her to look after DD, he stays home. He wants to create this problem but you are the one who has to compromise to solve it.

TheTeenageYears · 07/06/2022 05:21

DH doesn't trust his DM to look after his DD all day alone yet is insisting it's a workable childcare solution. It isn't. You are being paid to work, same as him. He gets to work away from the problem and shift it onto you. MIL needs to look after DD at other times if she wants to spend time alone with her for short periods which hopefully won't tire her out so you and DH can get jobs done at the weekend or spend some time together but not be part of your family childcare setup for when you are both working. You are very fortunate to have a childminder who could cover the extra time when MIL was away for two months - childcare is generally not that flexible.

lifecanbehardattimes · 07/06/2022 05:29

RandomMess · 06/06/2022 23:48

Tell DH either DD goes to MILs house so you can work in peace or it's FT childminder.

He needs to choose you and DD and stop appeasing her.

This

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 05:36

Can you go to a local cafe or library to work instead?

Why should she? Isn’t OP compromising enough already?

Wonder how that works in reality?

YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica · 07/06/2022 05:37

It’s about being totally unwavering I think. Keeping eye contact and saying no- make it about how much your child benefits from being at the childminders doing activities and interacting with other children. It’s harder to argue with that than saying it works better for you, harder to twist that into something negative. Insist on having the conversation with your husband there. Even if he doesn’t say much, you appear a united front on this. He probably does agree with you, whether he admits it or not. You being less stressed out about work recently will have had a positive knock on effect on family life.

fossilsmorefossils · 07/06/2022 05:47

If you've ever thought that you would do anything for your child, then this is it! Put your dd and the family unit first. If MIL causes a drama then just see her less. Dd and you are more important.

NerdyBird · 07/06/2022 05:54

I find it very odd that your husband is not happy with his mother looking after her alone yet he is still persisting. Why does he not trust his own mother?
Keep the extra days at childminder or insist that DH supervise while working at home and you go elsewhere.

RedWingBoots · 07/06/2022 06:06

Your child's needs come before your MIL's wants.

I've had friends and colleagues who have sacked nannies who have acted like your MIL.

Send your child to the childminders full time. Then tell your MIL that your child wants to be at the childminder's with her little friend so her "care" of your child wasn't working out.

If MIL moans and complaints simply repeat like a broken record "I'm sorry you feel that way" and change the subject every single time.

Zonder · 07/06/2022 06:15

DH needs to work at home on a MIL day and see what it's like.

Wallywobbles · 07/06/2022 06:19

I think you have to also insist that the other day is at mil. Any mention of her being tired you say right no more. Childminder it is. Turn this round now.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 06:21

Blame work? Tell her they aren't happy with DC and herself being around while you work?

Moosake · 07/06/2022 06:22

Zonder · 07/06/2022 06:15

DH needs to work at home on a MIL day and see what it's like.

Yes could you ask if she can look after DC one Saturday while you go out and DH can see how hard it is?

ChocolateHippo · 07/06/2022 06:23

If MIL has two holidays between now and September, then it's not like she's even available to do the childcare. Just tell your DH you can't chop and change with the childminder in this way.

I would also tell him that you can't work with MIL there, so if she does come, you're going back in the office (if possible)/ to work somewhere else so he will have to wfh if he doesn't trust MIL to do a whole day.

What a barmy situation. Can't she watch TV at her house if that's all she's doing at yours?

pictish · 07/06/2022 06:28

Moosake · 07/06/2022 06:21

Blame work? Tell her they aren't happy with DC and herself being around while you work?

Don’t daft. That’s not the way to resolve things…by inventing shit.
I can’t stand a bullshitter.

Pickabearanybear · 07/06/2022 06:29

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