MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

I think you are being very reasonable all through, and getting OH to do a day at home while you go into the office is a very good idea indeed. One thing, though- I'd be a bit worried about leaving DD alone with her as she doesn't sound like a very good example to any child.

I agree with that.

Let him run her around for 45mins & then pick up the slack whilst she rests after a 25min walk.

Is she very old/unwell?

Be interesting to see what she expects her son to do!

have suggested other stay and plays closer to MILs home but she says they're no good. It's become another area of contention as I just don't have the time to keep doing the 45 min round trip whilst I'm working

Well here’s a perfect solution, message DH and say MIL wants a lift to the play and stay - can you pop home pick them both up and drop them off - thanks love. X

See what he says to that.

Op, this is an absolute pisstake. You MIL is NOT providing childcare in any form, you are just enabling her too spent time with her grandchild during your working hours. She has zero respect for your work or time if she expects you to do this, you DH the same, and frankly I wonder if you do if you agree to do it.

If my MIL pulled that - or anyone infact - I would say no, I am working. And if they tried the same or similar they would very quickly be told it is not working out and I would be finding childcare (because that is not what she is providing).

I really don't understand why you have accomodated it. Do you not feel bad towards your employer that you are looking after your DD or faffing around with your MIL while you are meant to be working?

At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for DD. If it was me, I wouldn't want her to go to MIL house, cause if she falls asleep when looking after her at your place, imagine the possible dangers if she did this at her home without you there. That could be very harmful, and could be fatal, if DD isn't being watched at all times. You DH needs to put his DD 1st and you as well, and MIL 2nd....He needs to take a stand and do what is the right and responsible thing, period

Tell your mil to f¥<{ off and tell your dp to grow a pair. You’re letting your mil dictate your life!!!