MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

Just put your foot down it’s a no. Dh is more than welcome to take dd there for visits on the weekend/evening but that your work is suffering from mils constant interruptions.

also maybe one day ring him every single time she interrupts your work. Interrupt him.

Oh that's a good idea.

OP, do you WFH full time or only on the days when your MIL is there?

If going into the office is an option for you, I would explain to your husband and MIL that you cannot WFH when your daughter is there.

So the options are as follows:

A: Your daughter goes to the childminder full time.
B: On the days when your MIL looks after your daughter, you go into the office and your husband works from home.

Ah another relationship drama. An interfering MIL and a weak husband.
It's like the sun rising.

Or and I know this is a radical one. The MIL does what she said she will do and actually take care of your daughter.

neither me or my DH feel totally comfortable with her looking after DD alone for the whole day this isnt childcare then its a playdate, you cannot host a playdate whilst working. Your DH needs to respect your work

Thanks everyone for your messages. I wasn't expecting so much support. When together my DH and MIL have this way of making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and I doubt myself.

To provide some further information to answer some questions. We don't pay MIL for looking after DD although she requests spending money from my DH on a regular basis but I don't get involved with that. (We have finally sorted out our finances and we keep whatever we have left from our own salaries after we've both contributed equally to the bills). I have told my DH that I would be happy to pay the extra days out of my own money as I have more left over.

In regard to my work, I was having to log on after my DD had gone to bed until 11pm at night to try and catch up. But my mind doesn't work so well late at night so I was also trying to work on the weekends too when DD was napping etc. This meant I didn't get much time to do any housework and then that would stimulate comments from my MIL about the bin being full or the clothes still in the dryer when she would come over to look after DD. I would explain to her that I've been having to log on late and work and my DH should help more but she won't have it as she considers the housework including all cooking and washing dishes etc is the wife's responsibility. Basically she says the kitchen has nothing to do with my DH. She's said this so much that it's changed my DH's attitude and behaviour to helping out.

The idea the my MIL looks after DD for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with my DH there is a great idea. I could really use the time to get housework done.

Moving forwards with the childcare arrangements, I think I will do as others have suggested and tell my DH and MIL that we are keeping the extra day. If DH doesn't like that then he can stay home with them and I'll go into the office so I can actually work. On the day she is still looking after DD I will be firm and drop her at her house in the morning. I will collect her after lunch and bring her home for her nap. I can take time off in hours so I can take a couple hours off work for when she wakes from her nap and my DH comes home early sometimes so he can look after her sometimes too.

I think the purpose of the childcare is lost on my DH and MIL and that needs reiterating. She is very toxic and I need to limit her involvement in our daily routines and lives. Keeping her out the house would be amazing.

I think my DH is worried about DD spending the whole day with MIL as she complains she's tired a lot and can be a bit too firm with DD. She also gets very distracted talking on the phone to her friends.

Just put your child in with the childminder for the 5 days. Your MIL can come over on Saturday mornings to ‘babysit’ with your husband is there. You can go get the shopping and do your jobs then. Keep your childminding a paid thing as you are getting paid for work.

you will have to really start trusting your judgment and doing what is right for you and your daughter NO MATTER WHAT. There will be times that they will make you doubt yourself and I know it’s hard, especially when you are against two people but you KNOW that you know that you have your daughters best interests at heart. Do you want her growing up thinking that women are servants. Do it your way and don’t doubt yourself. good luck.

Gosh with your update OP

I'd say you tell DH that DD goes to nursery full time or you're thinking about a divorce.

I can't believe you're having to work at 11pm
and then getting criticised for not having done the housework.

I'd put your foot down on this, your DH is coming across as a spineless mummy's boy who'd sacrifice his on DW health and well-being to protect his DMs feelings.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. She’s not really helping at all. Sounds like she’s causing more stress than being helpful. Based on what you said I’d probably go full time with childminder. It’s not fair on your little one if mil is just sat on the sofa all day and not really paying much attention to your child. I’m sure she would much prefer to be with a childminder who engages with her. My daughter goes to my mil once a week but she’s absolutely amazing with her. She picks her up at 8am and brings her back at 5pm. She always make sure the day is filled with activities, She’ll take out to the zoo, park, playground, strawberry picking when sunny and when it’s not they do painting, craft, baking, build Lego, play doh ect. Mil would be happy to take her for an extra day but I prefer daughter to mix with the other kids.

YANBU but I don't think you can carry on being peacekeeper here. If the arrangement doesn't work then it needs to stop and you'll have to face any potential drama from MIL. You need to sit down and talk to DH about it, describe exactly how she is when she's here and how much it affects your work. And DD is not being well cared for, left in front of the TV while MIL is asleep. If MIL is tired lying on the sofa she cannot cope with DD all day. Emphasise all of this.
Ultimately you could get sacked if you are not performing at work - does he want that? He has concerns about her coping with DD anyway. In theory he should have your back here and speak to his mother about it. If you are a united front there may be less drama from her, possibly. You need to get him on side. Perhaps MIL could pick DD up from the childminder slightly early i.e. 3 or 4 if she wants to see her as a compromise.

I mean you could lie and say you've gone part time as a pp suggested but she might theñ want to drop in to see DD on your days off...

OP, get your DD with the childminder full time, if possible, and don't bother with this nonsense about bringing your DD to MiL's house on one day a week and then back for a nap, just to appease MiL. That sounds like a pain in the arse.

The purpose of childcare is for you to have time/headspace to do your actual job, and going back and forth like that is really going to impact what you can get done on that day.

Also the other reason why I don’t want mil looking after daughter any more than once a week is that I feel she will be too involved and will have more opinions on how I should do things which would really annoy me.

Bloody hell, you are a saint.

No way would I be working as hard as you are clearly doing and accepting any visitor into my house that thought housework was for the woman. That is very very unhealthy and you shouldn’t bring up any DC in 2022 with that kind of example.

OP you're still looking for a compromise that works more for your MIL and 'D'H than it does for you or your daughter. I'm sure someone's said it already, but you have a husband problem. He should be on your side totally with this.

Believe me, causing upset now, being firm and saying your DD will be going to the CM 5 days a week from now on, is the last of your worries.

If you can't trust your DH to back you up on this, then your marriage is going to suffer. And if you aren't firm now, about this one issue, then you will be seen as weak in the future and they will both have you over a barrel about much more important things.

And you will realise you should have asserted yourself now, fought for what is best (not just what you think you can make work to avoid drama) and it'll be too late in more ways than one.

I know I sound harsh, but I've been where you are. My DH didn't have my back against his toxic mother, and it damaged us beyond repair.

Please look beyond the next 6 months/year and I mean early look. And then tell your DH it's 5 days a week, and if he doesn't see why that matters so much, then you have your answer. I'm sorry. I know that isn't what you wanted to hear. 😞

Unless your dh pitches in with cooking just hand him a sandwich every night....
Think on mil will be drumming into dd her place is also in the kitchen when she grows up.

Sadly you have a DH problem.

Keeping MIL happy comes first.

Him looking after DD and doing housework, laundry etc is him doing his share not "helping".

You should both have equal spending money after everything else is paid for AND equal leisure time.

I would actually ban MIL from your house.

Please wake up and put in very strong boundaries now before you marriage slowly dies a death.

Give your DH a copy of "wifework" as a gift.

Sounds like the 2 days with MiL is purely for her benefit, not for your child or for you. To me this would be a no-brainer. Childminder full time and then you can see MiL when you want to in more of a relaxed social capacity than under the guise of her providing child care. If you can afford the extra 2 days then you won't regret it. MiL will likely be unhappy, but you're not saying you don't want her to ever see her grandchild again, just to change the setting in which she sees them. Your DH needs to back you on this though, again if he refuses to budge then he needs to ask himself who's he doing it for (his mum) when realistically who should come first (his child). The fact that your work is being impacted and it sounds like MiL is struggling to be present with your child seals the deal.

“The set up as it is works beautifully for all of us, so one day would be great if you can do it thank you.” Stick to that. Don’t deviate.

Your DH has got you for a right mug hasn't he?

DH is worried about DD spending the whole day with MIL as she complains she's tired a lot and can be a bit too firm with DD. She also gets very distracted talking on the phone to her friends.

And yet your the one who has to compromise their job working evenings to catch up so that this 'childcare' that he doesn't trust her to do can be facilitated...

Basically she says the kitchen has nothing to do with my DH. She's said this so much that it's changed my DH's attitude and behaviour to helping out.

So as a result he has your working full time, doing 2 days childcare AND all the cooking/cleaning etc. Whilst he does what 1 full time job?

You need to sit him down and make him understand that HE is not pulling his weight and added to that MIL is making your job even harder. He needs to do half the non childminder time with dd, half the cooking/cleaning/laundry etc. Your plan for childcare going forward sounds good. And if HE doesn't like it then HE can facilitate something different and not expect you to do it for him!

Op professional childcare all the way. You need to be able to trust who is caring for your kids.

The MIL sounds like a nightmare, seriously sod working to 11pm to try fitting in a days work.

Mil can do Saturday morning while you hoover and dust downstairs and DH does up. None of the shit that the penis owner can't operate a duster or loo brush.

My parents do this at their own suggestion, only once a week come to look after DS whilst I work from home. Turn up later and later each and last week my mother turned up at 12 then asked me to do her hair saying it was my lunch break. I mean how is that helpful? I hadn't actually done any work all morning. 🙄

I don't think it works being in the house together as they always default to you.

Your DD is yours and your DH's child, not your MIL. If your MIL wants to mind your DD one day a week she does it at her house. Or she can do pick ups from the childminder to go out for an ice cream or fruit or something once/twice a week. Also your MIL has planned more holidays so what happens then? If you lose your DD's place at the childminder you may not get it back then?

If your MIL insists on minding your DD at your house then your DH needs to be there and you work elsewhere.

You are right you are doing a disservice to work and your DD by trying to do both. It will also make you unwell.

My DS went to a kindergarten and he absolutely thrived. I am sure my DF would have liked to have more time with him but he understood that as an only child my DS needed that time with other children. My DF did the drop offs and pick ups most of the time and they would both have time just the two of them occassionally.

I have told my DH that I would be happy to pay the extra days out of my own money as I have more left over.

WHY have you told him this?
Childcare - arrangement & paying for - is a joint responsibility.
As is housework.

Your H is conspiring with his mother to make all the domestic duty yours, so much so that you are having to work until 11pm to catch up on employed work.
You are so ground down by this pair that you have somehow accepted that YOU have to pay for the extra childcare if you are not going to collapse ... this is a baffling decision - until you factor in your reference to (We have finally sorted out our finances and we keep whatever we have left from our own salaries after we've both contributed equally to the bills) -
which makes me wonder who has been paying for what, & how much Mummy's Boy even contributes financially - let alone domestically.

How is it that you have more oney "left over" than H each month - is it because he spends more on non-essentials, or that you earn more?

The idea the my MIL looks after DD for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with my DH there is a great idea. I could really use the time to get housework done.
WTF?
So you get to be the cleaner, while H & his mother play with DD?
When does H do any cleaning?

Moving forwards with the childcare arrangements, I think I will do as others have suggested and tell my DH and MIL that we are keeping the extra day. If DH doesn't like that then he can stay home with them and I'll go into the office so I can actually work. On the day she is still looking after DD I will be firm and drop her at her house in the morning. I will collect her after lunch and bring her home for her nap. I can take time off in hours so I can take a couple hours off work for when she wakes from her nap and my DH comes home early sometimes so he can look after her sometimes too.
Yeah, but I bet £100 H won't alter his own comfortable working routine.
Even if he did - you are STILL facilitating & pandering.
Send your DD to the childcare SHE PREFERS - you say she is so happy there! - 5 days a week,
Tell your MiL & H that THEIR arrangement doesn't suit you, that you can no longer have MiL making a show of childcare but actually making more work for you, that you are no longer prepared to work until 11pm at night to catch up on the hours MiL makes you miss, & that you are no longer doing more than 50% of the housework.

Do it OP. Be bold. It's your child, your house, & your job.
The alternative is this:
I think the purpose of the childcare is lost on my DH and MIL and that needs reiterating. She is very toxic and I need to limit her involvement in our daily routines and lives. Keeping her out the house would be amazing.
Because 1 day a week is not going to give you the relief you think it is.
It is not going to be half the stress, work, & annoyance. It will eat you up because it is not sustainable. You are not obliged to accept her squatting on your sofa once a week creating work & anxiety for you.

Your update doesn’t go far enough. She shouldn’t be doing any childcare days- nip this in the bud now while there is still a full-time childcare place for your daughter.

If your husband insists that his mother does childcare then tell your husband that he will need to facilitate that with his work by working from home on those days. If he can’t, then it’s your prerogative to have the childcare that enables you to work. It shouldn’t come out of your account either but out of the family account.

Please don’t budge on this and sign your daughter up for childcare on BOTH days your MIL was previously looking after DC.

once you’ve sorted childcare, you need to work with your husband to address the division of labour at home. He should be cleaning and cooking too, and generally pulling his weight: