MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice and encouragement. My DH has been avoiding having the conversation but I've told him today that I will be going in to the office on the extra day the childminder looks after DD and it will be up to him whether he takes DD to the childminder or WFH with his mother here. I will update what happens at the end of the week. I also agree with everyone that I should have DD with the childminder all five days.

This. Husband needs to see what it's like first hand. But then again, you never know: she may put on a show for him!

This!!! My guess from OP is she totally would be super gran for DH.

I've told him today that I will be going in to the office on the extra day the childminder looks after DD and it will be up to him whether he takes DD to the childminder or WFH with his mother here

Good for you OP👏

Hopefully you’re DH realises quite quickly how distracting and unpractical having DD and MIL there while he works.

I'm furious for you that your husband obviously doesn't value your work. He seems to think what you do is so unimportant that you can entertain a child and lazy MIL at the same time as working. Plus he's selfish enough to watch you work till 11pm so as not to upset his mother.
Time to get angry and show your husband that upsetting you is worse than upsetting his mother

I would go work in the office both days MIL is supposed to look after DD and let your H deal with it all.

So your DH does not trust his mother to look after your child for a whole day alone and so expects you to babysit his mother and your child whilst working?
Tell her what you have decided and that you are not changing your plans.
My mother used to look after my DD and I paid her £600 a month, she would drag her put on her preaching missions, leave her with my younger siblings to look after and leave her alone (DD once dialled 999 and she thought this was a funny anecdote).
We tried to reduce the time she had DD and not so DM kicked off and refused to have her at all. We got DD in a nursery and it was the best thing. Oh and DM used to call me everyday at 4pm to ask when I would be picking up DD even though she knew I worked till 5pm. 🙃

I think she's likely to turn into super gran because it's her precious son who has important work to do.

But don't get dragged back into WFH while caring for your DD which mil distracts you.

I’d just continue to send her to the child minder and tell your husband to grow a backbone.

Can you say to your DH that you think it’s a bit much to ask your MIL to do 2 days as she’s had her children and it’s her time now, and then mention how it must drain her because she has to nap in the day when she looks after DD.

I think I'd make it a firm no but from purely a work angle as he'll probably be defensive if you tell him what a pain it is having her there.

Just tell him you're way to busy at the moment to get behind again because you end up looking after DD while she's there.

She sounds delightful!

YANBU

If MIL still does Friday mornings at her own home could you sign them up for a local toddler group or something so she isn't sitting around chatting in the phone?

This arrangement doesn't work for your DD or you and it can't. I also work from home some days and it is not productive if DH is looking after DD at home even without an argument or any tension. You would need to sit in a separate space where you can't hear them. My DD also goes to a childminder and has a blast, absolutely loves it and that's normal. There are other children and the childminder plays with her. Laying on the sofa, watching TV and doing a phone call is not quality time spent with a child. She doesn't get stimulated enough and it's just dull for her. You'll already have the weekend were you need to do chores and she'll have to play on her own and that's fine but two full day is a lot of independent play for a 1 year old (I am guessing).
You need to put your foot down and pay for the childminder. Perhaps when she is older, talks and plays differently (pretend play, games etc.) MIL can look after her more. It is often easier to look after an older child.

That's a good idea!

Sorry but I don't think trying to manage the situation by getting MIL to take DD to a toddler group will work.

She sounds demanding and lazy, so the last thing she'd do is physically get herself somewhere for the benefit of DD that is pretty unpleasant as an adult.

No more pussyfooting. It's not working, unless DH doesn't want your salary coming into the account any more DD goes 5 days a week to the CM where she is well looked after and enjoys her time there.

If MIL plays super-gran whilst H is around, she can do so, OP can continue working at the office. Doubt the super-gran act will last.

Well done OP, you do need to speak to your H about his disrespect towards you and your contribution to the household and also tell him he is pulling his weight around the house (not helping, pulling his weight), as you are not cook, cleaner chief bottle washer and all round skivvy who also pays the bills.

Thanks @Geranium1984 and @N1no. My MIL does like to go to this one stay and play as she has made friends with some other grandmothers there and she likes to go for a coffee with them afterwards. The problem is she wants me to pick her up with my DD in the car and take her there which takes me a good 45 mins and it's not always possible if I have a meeting. It also means that DD is with me at home until it's time to pick up MIL and go to the stay and play. She will not come here and take the bus there. I have suggested other stay and plays closer to MILs home but she says they're no good. It's become another area of contention as I just don't have the time to keep doing the 45 min round trip whilst I'm working. She will walk back home with the other grandmothers though! (It's about a 25 min walk back). But then she is REALLY tired when she gets back and will actually completely lay down on the sofa and does nothing else for the rest of the day!

Honestly you need to go to the office on the 2 MIL days and tell DH if he wants MIL to have DD then he need to deal with those days as you want DD at CM full time.

@Sunsetred you're working, not a taxi driver to facilitate your MILs social life.

Are you very sure your office doesn't want you in some days? That would certainly be a convenient white lie that necessitates reliable childcare.

You are at WORK.

A paid, responsible, real job.

Both your husband and MIL are utterly undermining you working and jeopardising your job.

The more you share the more it seems that they are actively trying to jeopardise your job. Mil probably doesn't approve of you working.

You need to be 100% clear that you are at work. That the only thing you will be doing is working and indeed you will be in the office working.

The issue isn't MIL. It's your husband.

Both are making clear that they see no value in the job you do.

If your husband isn't willing to work from home on the 2 days, then as you're both uncomfortable with MIL being on her own for a whole day then the only other solution is she goes to childcare everyday and MIL doesn't look after her at all.

As for house maintenance I'd make my husband do his own cooking, cleaning, washing etc if he ever dared to suggest it shouldn't be his job due to him being male!

Also whatever you say to MIL something along the lines of, we're grateful for the kind offer to look after dc for 2 days per week, but the arrangement is encroaching into my working day. Although I'm at home I cannot stop to look after dc to give you a break/ help when you're tired or drive you to playgroups etc. it means I'm having to work late into the evenings in order to catch up on work I ought to have completed in the day. So going forward dc will be in childcare 5 days a week.

Op your DD isn't there to facilitate your MIL having a social life.

People will be noticing that you aren't always at your desk, MS Teams is just a wonderful spy in the camp.

MIL isn't taking your career seriously so bite the bullet. No discussions.
MIL next week she is going to childcare 5days you can't afford to keep skiving off.

Let your husband see what a nightmare your MIL is when she is looking after DD, don’t give in to her !