MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion

Why not?

You need to tell him that MIL is a flipping nightmare, makes your life harder and that HE needs to sort it out.

Of course YANBU. I am not sure how your MIL can challenge you when you end up looking after your DD when you are meant to be working.
Childcare must be reliable, and good for you and your DD. It shouldn't be a favour to your MIL at the expense of your ability to work or DD's wellbeing.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days

Have you pointed out to her that she doesn't actually do anything? Do you pay her?

And if you and your DH aren't comfortable with her looking after your DD alone, she's not appropriate childcare. If I was your employer and found out what your arrangement was I would be really annoyed. It's not appropriate for you to be in charge of childcare (even with assistance) when you are being paid to work.

@Sunsetred you are not being unreasonable.

Furthermore, if you and DH don’t feel that DD is safe with MIL alone then she shouldn’t be looking after her at all.

Definitely keep the extra day. Say that DD has bonded well with the other child on that day, that you are able to be much more productive at work and have attained a pay rise (or some other benefit) from the arrangement or are now required to do xyz extra. Therefore your work responsibilities are dictating the need for DD to be out of the house.

So your husband agrees that his mum is incapable of looking after her granddaughter all so his solution is you look after your daughter and his mum while you work. * I *think like many an issue on mumsnet you have a DH problem.

Could this be a potential compromise. DD goes to childminder 4 days a week. MIL has DD in her house 1 morning a week and you get her after lunch to bring her home for her nap. Would essentially mean on that day you are missing 1-2 hours of work. Are your work flexible enough to allow you to make up this time elsewhere? If they are not I think your oly solution is full time childminder.

Lie other posters suggestion of let DH "work" from home on one of these days and see how productive he is.

Childcare is about what works for you, not your Mil. She’s bloody lucky you haven’t cut her right out of the equation.

Don’t let it be a drama… for you. This is his mother, and his family drama, not yours. Just let him know that you will not be changing your childcare arrangements unless MIL continues with her hysterionics… THEN you will change it to full time and MIL will go jump.

Jesus H Christ, why are there so many bonkers MILs on MN? Why do these women not have lives of their own they can get on with? Why are they so obsessed with other people's children? It's like a time warp back to the 50s on here sometimes.

OP, stop being so bloody obliging. Tell your DH and MIL straight that you have had enough. Arrange childcare so it makes your life easier, not theirs.

First you need to get your DH solid on this.

Ask him:

Would he be happy doing his job with his MIL lying in the sofa behind him and interrupting periodically?

Does he consider your working conditions and job less important than his?

Does he think the objective here is to keep MIL happy, or to enable BOTH of you to do your jobs? Remember: the childcare is equally for both your jobs not just yours.

Unless everyone is 100% happy, family childcare is for one offs, babysitting, or because of the relationship: loving time between grandparents and kids.

The holiday situation alone makes it untenable. If you don’t book the CM days permanently now, next time you need them to cover MIL holiday, they won’t be there.

Would it work to say that at present CM is back up for MIL but you would love it to come timid but the other way round: MIL does days when the CM is ill and on hol. Say this might suit her better as she is clearly so often tired by her childcare responsibilities and lies on sofa.

To soften the ‘hard no’ that needs to be in place.

This isnt working at all from what you've said. I would stop relying on her for childminding altogether. It sounds a very unsatisfactory arrangement.

Your DH is sacrificing your well-being and happiness for the sake of keeping his DM sweet and you are now doing the same thing to your daughter. Break the circle and say ‘no’ to her. What’s more important her feelings or your child?

I agree that it’s not a MIL problem but a DH one.
So she would’ve been willing to look after your DD for full days but your DH doesn’t trust her to do that and yet, is asking that you look after your DD while you’re meant to be working. Stick to your current days or even better, add another.

MIL can babysit a couple of hours here and there for now.

Poor you, struggling with anxiety for what?

I would simply be booking the extra 2 days with the childminder and not having DD looked after by MIL at all.

Your DH seems unable to put his foot down so you will have to. DD can always be taken to visit MIL at the weekend, or when it is convenient for you and/or DH to be supervising. MIL can kick off all she likes, but the proper care of your child (allowing you to work efficiently) is paramount here.

What does your husband say when you tell him what goes on when his mother is supposed to be looking after your child?
I would be telling them both it’s a big fat no to her ‘looking after’ your child at all.
You need to get tough and only think of yours and your child’s needs. Your husband is a pathetic and sounds scared of his mother. I would be furious with his lack of support over this.

Would essentially mean on that day you are missing 1-2 hours of work. Are your work flexible enough to allow you to make up this time elsewhere

Why is it that a working woman is expected to a) seek flexibility b) accommodate the emotional tantrums of her DH’s mother rather than the man?

Why should she have to ‘make up’ her work hours in the evenings or weekends to accommodate this?

Why are employers of women always expected to provide the flex, while men carry on regardless?

You need full time childcare that enables you to do your job. The MIL situation stops you doing your job.

Do your job properly: engage the CM full time.

If DH doesn’t like it, go back to the office and let him accommodate his mother’s childcare fantasy.

You need to tell her you have a office zoom call and can't do the appointments she has made. What did she do before you were WFH?

Why doesn't your husband believe you when you say it creates more work for you? And why are you deferring to his wishes. You're the one dealing with the situation, so you're the one who decides. If he wants to work from home when MiL and deal with the fall out he can crack on...

There really aren't. The tens of thousands of posters who have normal DPs or PILs don't post here for advice on how to deal with normal people. The few who've got toxic relations do, so it seems that there are way more than there actually are. I've never posted about my MIL because I like her, she's nice, respectful and never any bother.

This is utterly ridiculous - your husband fully agrees that your MIL is not able to look after your child alone yet would like you to pander to her needs and compromise your work in the process. Make him wfh and keep an eye on them both. If his employment is such that he cannot do this, he is in no position to allow your MIL to provide childcare

In your shoes, I would put her with the childminder 5 days each week so I could work properly. On another note, people who juggle wfh with children in the house and then aren't able to work effectively, give all mothers a bad reputation and flexible working takes a step backwards.

Yep, and take the childminder up on the offer of the two extra days per week.

I would for sure be asking dh if we both feel uncomfortable with MIL looking after dd for the day, as he himself as already said, then what are you waiting for? An accident, a serious injury, poisoning - do you really want to wait until your reservations about her care are proven?

I would not have this woman looking after my child unsupervised. It is an accident waiting to happen and worst still everyone knows it.

**worse

Your mother in law is acting like a tantruming toddler.

Your husband is a bullying prick.

Choose what is best for your daughter and yourself over these two idiots.

Honestly, read back what you wrote again and think how you'd advise a friend in this situation.

You are allowing your H and MIL to dictate your time, fuck up your work and cause you immense stress.

Honestly, you need to take a hard line and say no more. Full Time at childminder, end of conversation.

Your H is trying to appease his mother because it's less painful to piss you off than it is to piss her off.

I suggest you change the balance on that one.