MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

No! It doesn’t work for you, it isn’t the “childcare” you want, it doesn’t seem to benefit you or your child.

you are not being unreasonable! The objectives here are
a) you get work done without losing time to childcare
b) your daughter is happy, safe and well looked-after.

Both of those are currently being achieved. Letting MIL have an extra day when it's to your detriment and by the sounds of it your daughter's too is indulgence she simply doesn't deserve. Her needs do not come first here. It's you and your little one who you need to think of, and this setup seems to suit you both best.

Thanks @OnlyFoolsnMothers you're right, it really doesn't benefit me or my DD. I just need to find a way to deal with it without causing a huge family drama.

childminder sounds like the obvious solution.

Ask your husband to work at home for a few days while his mum is there, so he can fully appreciate the issues himself.

Why does you MIL need to have your DD at your house?

Does she have her own house?

Can you disappear to work elsewhere on the day she looks after your DD? Having to actually look after her might make her change her mind.

Suggest DH takes her around to MILs at the weekend to look after her then.

I think this is a situation you need to stand firm on "no, that doesn't work for me"

Surely you just say that it's staying the way it is, you find it much easier to WFH with nobody there, your daughter loves it and is in a new routine, and it won't be changing. MIL can choose to have DGD once a week or not at all. Rinse and repeat until she gets the message. Do not give in, do not allow your DP to give in.

OP, does your DH know about how much childcare you still have to do even when MIL is around? I was more curious than anything because you have said he suggested you go back to the original arrangement and that seemed an odd thing to suggest if he knew how you felt.

Also you have said 'Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again?' but from what you have said, she doesn't actually look after DD exclusively or in any meaningful way that allows you to focus on work. You are totally being reasonable in not wanting her to look after your child.

The very best thing you can do here is put your foot down and say no days at all for MIL. Short term pain long term gain. Show her you dont tolerate bullshit and your future life will be much easier.

Just be clear the current set up works better for you.

i didn’t grace my mil with even one day’s childcare, despite her wanting to do it, because I don’t feel she’s up to doing a good enough job.

Don’t let other people railroad your life 😘

Childminder every working day and a peaceful life, for sure!

Stand your ground and ask her to look after DD at her house on the remaining day.

This! The only way I’d consider allowing her any days childcare would be on the condition DD goes to her house, not that they both stay at yours when you’re trying to work.

@FlissyPaps she insists on coming to our house. She has her own house. She has had her at her house a couple of times and that was better for me but my DH was worried about DD being there all day and that made me worried so I brought her home after lunch. That was better than MIL being here all day as DD naps for a couple of hours after lunch and so I could carry on getting work done. But those were one offs and she insists on coming here.

just cause a big family drama, get it over with and move on?

Can't imagine in what universe you could possibly think YBU. You have a job, right, someone is paying you to work on those days where you're actually doing childcare?? You are letting down yourself and your employer and putting yourself under huge stress.

It makes me worried that you are downtrodden by your DH and MIL, that you can't see what a completely reasonable boundary it is, to put in place actual childcare that works and is reliable while you are working.

And why the suffering fuck does he get to pass on the pain to you? He doesn't have to entertain his mother and child twice a week while working does he?? Like fuck he does.

You need to assert yourself. And if that feels difficult, talk to us here some more, lots of women here can help. Because I suspect yet again this thread is revealing the tip of a horrible abusive iceberg.

Sounds like MIL is coming to you for entertainment, to be critical and a day out, under the guise of 'minding' your DD. WHY doesn't she mind her at her own house??? I agree- take 2 extra days with child minder and IF you want, leave DD with MIL a few hours on a weekend, rarely when it suits you!

@HikingforScenery I have planned to do that on the day she is still looking after DD but not for the whole time as neither me or my DH feel totally comfortable with her looking after DD alone for the whole day.

Ask DH to take MIL and DD to his office and see for himself.

seriously the only conversation here is this - to DH - Stop making this my problem, DD is settled and I can work to contribute to family finances. Your plan only benefits you.

Your DH is being shit. Why is appeasing his mums batshit tantrums more important than providing your daughter with a safe and stimulating environment and ensuring that you can do the job you're paid to do? That should not be hos priority

You need to fully put your foot down and insist that if she is to continue with childcare, she has DD at her house. You need peace, quiet and a relaxed environment when working from home.

Why was your DH worried about DD being at your MIL’s all day? Is he worried when she is with the childminder all day?

Your child, your house, your rules OP! Do not let her dictate this.

Tell DH either DD goes to MILs house so you can work in peace or it's FT childminder.

He needs to choose you and DD and stop appeasing her.

I can't imagine how anyone could possibly think YABU either.

Clearly your MiL is not looking after your dc. Even aside from the fact you are not getting your work done, how do either you or your dh imagine this is helping your dc ?

I'm not sure why you haven't answered your dh. I would be suggesting he invites his mother into his workplace to sit on the settee and watch TV whilst he is trying to work and see how that goes down to start with.

The only thing YABU about here is in considering allowing your dc and your MiL into your home on any day you are working. Just repeat on a loop - "No, it wasn't working when you were here watching TV, and it has been much better since dc has been at the CMs the extra day. From September she will go to the CMs every working day" and don't shift from it.

You just answered your own question
neither him or you feel comfortable about her looking after your DD all day
then it’s a no! You need to work those days, not supervise your MIL, you’re being paid to work not to keep a loose eye on your kid and MIL
if for whatever reason you both are not comfortable you need a solution that works, which is obviously the childminder