MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

Your husband has a lot of opinions and demands for someone who's away at the ffice and conveniently doesnt experience any of this firsthand. I think he really needs to hear some home truths. Stop being so darn nice and worrying about conflict or upsetting people! Stand up for yourself and push back. He has to step up and deal with HIS mother. At the moment he sounds delightfully detached and comfortable as you're absorbing all the pain and discomfort of the situation. Its so unfair. Tell him to stop being so bloody wet and step in for his family.

To give MIL a HUGE benefit of the doubt, maybe she thinks she’ll miss out on spending time with DD. (I think it’s more likely hurt pride that you think - rightly - that the childminder is better for your DD, but if you’re determined to keep the peace probably best not to say that.)

So reassure her that your DH will bring DD over to see her a couple of evenings for a meal, or at the weekend. Won’t it be lovely to spend time together as a family rather than MIL always being worried about stopping DD interfering with your work?! Tinkly laugh oh won’t that be lovely! Maybe DH and DD could even have a sleepover at Granny’s sometimes (while you go out with friends/have an evening to yourself).

Just steamroller her with positivity about how brilliant this solution will be.

This is one of those situations where it's a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

EITHER - your DH trusts his mother to do a good job of looking after your daughter, in which case he should be fine with her being at your MIL's house,

OR - he knows she's not to be trusted to do a good job, in which case he's also aware that she's not doing that good job when she comes over to yours, and you are picking up the slack and doing all the looking-after, to the detriment of your own work.

He can't have both.

But you're not causing the drama. Your MIL is! Just say no and if she wants to strop then that's on her.

This is completely crazy. Your DH doesn't trust her to look after your DD all day alone, so expects you to supervise while working. Absolutely no way, time to put your foot down.

You sound utterly bullied by your husband and MIL.

I would imagine they are responsible for a lot of your anxiety.

Being married to someone telling you what to do about something that has no impact on him, must be awful.

He puts himself and his mother ahead of his wife and child.

Good to read you work full-time as it gives you some protection.

Your work is being affected, you should decide.

I hope you have friends and family around you for support.

Having married a bully and his awful mother who tantrums, life must be hard.

Have you thought of some counselling to help you be more assertive?

Do not rush into having more children with this man, when he is so dismissive of your job and so insistent that his mothers wants come first.

Stop letting this awful woman bully you and start putting yourself and your child first. If you standing up for what’s right causes a family rift, so be it. She is the guilty party, not you.

If you and your DH don't feel comfortable you need to stop the arrangement. Your child is your priority here. Not his mum.

Blooming heck she sounds like a nightmare and I speak as a grandma who provides childcare.
I still work four days and look after grandchild one day a week, occasionally two. I start the day at my daughter's house as she starts work v early and it means she doesn't have to wake her little girl up. I usually do breakfast, stick some laundry in, sort out the recycling and then about 9ish we head to my house for the day, or out somewhere if we have plans.

I'm not saying I never sit down to have a cuppa but I'm not sure how she has time to sprawl on the sofa and chatting on the phone.

It doesn't sound like it works for you so you should definitely put a stop to it now. The comment about your husband worrying about the baby being at her house is telling, surely you need 100% confidence in a person when they look after your child.

If you can’t say no to the one day the at least set some boundaries in your own home.

Mil is napping, wake her up, tell her you are in meetings and she needs to watch DD.

each time she isn’t watching DD remind her she should be as you are working.

Dont just allow her to make it difficult for you

This

You need to stand your ground on this. Make sure DH knows you are serious and stick to it. Don't cave in OP stay strong. She sounds like a damn nightmare.

Having dealt with a MIL like this, I can tell you it doesn't get any easier if you let her dominate you. In fact, it gets worse as she makes more and more demands on your life. My DH was an anything-for-a-quiet-life type, too. Quiet life for him!

Keep explanations and excuses to a minimum. It gives her less to argue with.
You have made these arrangements because this works best for your DD and for you. You are not changing them. That's all she needs to know.
Ignore any drama, just repeat that this is what is happening. You are an adult and an equal. You don't have to put up with this just because you married her son.

You are finding it difficult to work while she is there, so if MIL still wants to look after your child (and you are happy for her to given certain conditions), she can do it at her house, or if she won't do that she can take her for a day out, or you and your DH decamp to a local coffee shop or library and work from there all day and then she will have to do the childcare herself.

Go with the child minder as the other mil arrangement is simply ridiculous

Ah he can't say no to Mummy so he wants your life to be more difficult instead.

Whilst he just swans off to the office completely unaffected by it all.

What a selfish arsehole.

It's a no.

Your daughter needs to be at the childminder's so that you can work in peace.

Not be trying to work, childmind and field MIL's nasty comments!

Who cares if it causes a big family drama. It's about your work needs and your DD's welfare, and if your DH can't get on board with that you have a more serious problem than your MIL throwing a tantrum for not getting her own way.

my DH was worried about DD being there all day

neither me or my DH feel totally comfortable with her looking after DD alone for the whole day

Why?

If your husband doesn't want his mother to look after your child, and doesn't want your child to spend a whole day at his mother's house, then it is largely up to him to say no to his own mother, not you. Why can't he do that?

Why can you not say to him, clearly and straightforwardly (i.e. without any drama) that you are paid to do your job, and you can't do it if you are looking after your child while his mother lies on the sofa? Surely that isn't going to cause a problem, unless your husband is the one who's actually being unreasonable?

Yet another situation where people aren’t taking working from home seriously. Your MIL, and possibly your DH as well, don’t understand that you need to focus completely on work without distractions. Just as you would in the office. Except for the odd tea break and obv lunch break.

My MIL seems to think I’ve retired and arranges appts mid morning and asks for lifts 🤷🏼‍♀️. DH obv can’t do this, in her eyes, as he’s ‘at work’. I’ve had to get a bit more forceful with her (and DH!) and you need to do the same OP.

So it seems your MIL doesn’t think you WFH is really working hence her sleeping and interfering with your work. Not a chance and hell would I be allowing this woman to interfere with my work after insisting she wants to offer childcare. She isn’t- time for you to be clear with your DH that it is no longer working for you and he should be supporting that not placing pressure on you

If I've understood it, whatever you decide about the two days, you're still thinking of letting MIL do one day-why?

1. You are not comfortable with her looking after the child for a whole day.

1. You are at work for a whole day and thus require childcare for a whole day.

1. These two statements mean only one conclusion is possible. Childminder.

1. She can do childcare for a morning at the weekend so you can have some couple time or get chores done.

This.

What your MIL is providing isn’t childcare. It’s ‘help’ with childcare and even that’s being generous. You need childcare in order to be able to work. Anything less is unfair on you, your DD, your employer and your colleagues.

If your DH is not backing you on this then he is showing a total lack of respect for both you and your work/job.
Your MIL is fucking up your job. That is not acceptable - if he thinks it is then that = zero respect for your job.
She is making your life harder than it needs to be - that is not acceptable and if he think is then that = zero respect for you.
Your DD is happier at the childminder's - if he thinks his mother's wants are more important than your DD's needs, then that = no respect for your DD's best interests.
All in all, just tell her that your DD WILL continue going to the CM 4 days a week, and if she kicks up a fuss about it, then you'll make it FIVE days a week.

Tell them your boss is fed up with your excuses and frequent interruptions to your work and has asked you to make adequate arrangements for childcare. If it helps, think I might be your boss and I am.