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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and childcare

256 replies

Sunsetred · 06/06/2022 22:34

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

OP posts:
Moosake · 07/06/2022 06:30

pictish · 07/06/2022 06:28

Don’t daft. That’s not the way to resolve things…by inventing shit.
I can’t stand a bullshitter.

Show quote history

Is it though? Are her work happy about the fact she is doing childcare while working!? Do they even know.

ShandaLear · 07/06/2022 06:31

Tell her the truth? That you can’t concentrate while she’s there, she just lays on the sofa all day, and that your daughter has a lot more fun playing with her friends at the childminder.

Rumplestrumpet · 07/06/2022 06:37

This really should be your husband's problem to deal with - he needs to understand how it's negatively impacting you and your daughter, and then step up and deal with his mother

JuneOsborne · 07/06/2022 06:39

Ha, so your DH is not negatively impacted by the shit childcare offered by his mum, so he wants the arrangement to continue, so that he's the good guy to his mum.

Fuck that. Either you go to the office and he works from home the days she due to have him (let me guess, he can't do that!) Or you get the final say in what childcare works for you.

I mean, be prepared for the whole 'I can't possibly do a drop off or pick up from the cm those days, it would be so much easier of my mum just came here...'

Your husband is being a selfish prick. Tell him so..

Cocowatermelon · 07/06/2022 06:44

White lie? Tell her that you job is going to start involving calls with sometimes sensitive info and it’s no longer going to be acceptable having DD sometimes running into your office so you’re putting her in childcare all the days you need to work. Or something similar. It might save the family relationships if you think of an out that lets her save face.

TripleSeptic · 07/06/2022 06:46

Is he paying his mother to lie on the settee in your house while you work? Is she annoyed about going down to one day a week because it's hurting her financially?

Cherrysoup · 07/06/2022 06:49

Why is your Dh being so weak? He’d rather you were prevented from working and dd has a shit time with your mil lazing round on the sofa? Is he unhinged?! Cause the row, unless he fancies going part time to parent his own child.

MaximumLeeway · 07/06/2022 06:51

No is a complete sentence.

So what if MIL kicks off? That's on her. If she can't behave like an adult that's her fault.

Sounds like you have a serious DH problem though and that's your real issue.

MaximumLeeway · 07/06/2022 06:52

And no don't lie to save face!

"DD loves being at the child minders and playing with the other kids, so we are putting her in full time."

Perfect28 · 07/06/2022 06:53

So your dh knows its not appropriate for your daughter to be with his mum alone but still insists on this 'childcare' set up?

Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 07/06/2022 06:55

Definitely not. Stick to what everyone is happy with.
She doesn't need entire days with dd to be close to her.
Just keep firm, ehry everyone,most importantly dd is Very happy with our current arrangement. We are extremely grateful mil for the time you have spent with dd but as DC get older their needs and circumstances change and dd loves having a pal to play with.

jeaux90 · 07/06/2022 07:15

FGS just say no. Everyone will strop for a while, fine, they will get over it.

It's you that's impacted by this arrangement so dig your heels in and don't move.

Maybe she could look after her for a few hours some weekends if you need some time for yourself?

Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 07/06/2022 07:16

You can’t be hosting and coordinating a needy grandparent and baby whist working because your DH doesn’t trust care to take place at grandparents house. Your DD needs to do the extra two days at the childminder

can you invite her to do the evening meal with DH and yourself both days instead so that she has contact but little responsibility and can opt out for holidays with ease. Or your DH can coordinate a weekly visit to grandmas for him and dd so that he can oversee things

BreatheAndFocus · 07/06/2022 07:17

Neither you nor your DH are happy with MIL looking after your DD for a whole day unsupervised. There’s your answer. Your DD is not a pet to be shared round between relatives. Separate work and leisure. Use a CM or nursery during the working week, and let MIL spend time with DD at weekends and holidays.

Your DH is weak and is happy to mess up your working day because he can then appease his mother with no effort or disruption to himself. Tell him he has to work from home and entertain his mother as it’s affecting your work.

Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 07/06/2022 07:20

You just need to say a firm no and not engage in the strop. The strop will pass

HoppingPavlova · 07/06/2022 07:21

This is not a drama. Just say the current situation is working really well so you are going to move forward with it, and so much so that the childminder will be doing both extra days. If she goes on about it just say, ‘it works well for us’ and ignore any theatrics and tell her to enjoy her upcoming vacations.

frazzledasarock · 07/06/2022 07:25

You need to give your H hell to be honest.

he doesn’t trust his mother to care for your child and yet insists your DD lose out on two days at a CM’s where she is happy and thriving, just to appease his mother.

tell your H you’ll take your DD out of childcare those two days but he needs to WFH and you will be in the office those two days.

your H is the dick in this situation. Because his life and work is unaffected.

make it your H’s problem not yours.

Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 07/06/2022 07:26

It’s disappointing your dh is too weak to consider your work as important as his, why does your work need to be collateral damage

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 07:32

'Thank you for everything you have done to date, we know how lucky we are to have you, dd will be going to the childminder 5 days a week from next week as I am falling behind with my work with the current arrangement with dd being at our home. Dh is very happy to bring dd over to see you at the weekend, or you are welcome here'

Thats it.
If she protests keep repeating 'the current arrangement of dd being at home whilst I am working simply does not work and I risk losing my job as a result' on repeat.

Do not compromise or bend to her demands. This is your job, your child and your house and it needs to work for all of you.

yeahy · 07/06/2022 07:45

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Please think of your daughter first- you and her have been thriving with the new childminder agreement. Tbh I would do five days of childminder and have MIL just come over for visits at the weekend or whatever. Her feelings do NOT trump what is best for you and your DD. She sounds absolutely horrible and tbh I wouldn't want someone like that looking after my child in the first place.

AgentJohnson · 07/06/2022 07:46

Why are you tiptoeing around this woman? You’re in this ‘predicament’ because no doesn’t appear to be in your vocabulary. Your, not so dear H, is looking out for himself by wanting his mum to do ‘non childcare’.

Do not sacrifice your mh and your DD’s best interests on the altar of ‘not causing a fuss’.

start as you mean to go on and push back on both of them.

yeahy · 07/06/2022 07:47

PS By not being a pushover you also model to your DD how to have boundaries and not be intimidated Smile

Lizziekisss · 07/06/2022 07:54

It seems that the childminding aspect is just an excuse to be at your house . Which is odd if all she does is criticise and isn’t pleasant to you. I’d say it’s too distracting having MIL and DD at home whilst you are working. You should be able to shut yourself away and get on with your job in peace and quiet. DH knows she’s not really childminding but would rather upset you than his mother. MIL should be sad and embarrassed that the arrangement isn’t working. Not kicking off about it. She’s a drama queen used to behaving like this because it gets her what she wants. You have 2 choices. Put up and shut up , remain stressed and struggling to work, or make a stand and insist it’s either at hers ( only if you feel that would be safe for DD ) or not at all. Few hours at the weekend maybe.

Billybagpuss · 07/06/2022 07:54

If DH doesn’t trust mil to look after dd alone at her house, by definition he expects you to pick up the slack which you can’t do while working.
Mil insisting on being at your house,
by definition doesn’t want full sole responsibility which impacts your working.

you’ve got to put your foot down mainly with DH. DO NOT return to even a compromise of the original situation.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 07/06/2022 07:56

This current situation sounds unbearable. This is interfering with your paid employment. Pay for the childminder 5 days a week and have done with it.

You need to put your seriously foot down with your husband, which is actually a bigger problem. He should NOT be dictating your work practices or insisting that you work AND care for your child simultaneously, which is what you are doing now.

They are both undermining you in your own home AND your employment, it's no wonder you feel uncomfortable. Bite the bullet and sort it out.