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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands Burial Plot

311 replies

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:13

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
steff13 · 05/06/2022 20:17

Is he actually buried in it? If so I'm not sure what difference the ownership means. Do you own the plot next to it, and they're not wanting you to be buried next to him is that what they're saying?

Edinvillian · 05/06/2022 20:18

His parents maybe want to be buried with him.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 05/06/2022 20:18

I've never heard of it either OP, and it sounds really weird to me. What country was he buried in, would that have any relevance? Was he buried in the country they live in? If not, could it be that they want to have his body exhumed and brought back to their country? Sorry for all the questions, but like you, I certainly wouldn't be doing anything to help them out, after they left you alone in your grief to cope.

MrszClaus · 05/06/2022 20:19

Do they want to also be buried there? E.g parents?

Also you were married, you were his immediate family.

Longdistance · 05/06/2022 20:22

Yes, I’d say his parents are ageing and want to buried with him, hence wanting to take over ownership.

ParkheadParadise · 05/06/2022 20:23

It's called Deed of Grant ownership.
I bet his family want to be buried with him.

restedbutexhausted · 05/06/2022 20:24

I don't have any specific advice on this topic but I think they're extremely rude to shun you all these years and then plant a meagre 'gift' on your doorstep. Only to then show their true colours by asking you to do something for them on the basis that they're his "immediate family", which has the double intent of attempting to make you feel bad and suggesting that you weren't as close to him. Not sure I'm articulating this properly but they are rude and nasty people by the sounds of it.

ObjectionHearsay · 05/06/2022 20:26

Is it a single plot? In which case as bad as it sounds the "owner" is already occupying it.

Or is it a plot for two? Or do they want their ashes inturned there with him?

seaUrchinOne · 05/06/2022 20:27

Maybe they want move the plaque, or they feel as you may possibly moving on with your life they would want the ownership, if you didn't have children together.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:29

steff13 · 05/06/2022 20:17

Is he actually buried in it? If so I'm not sure what difference the ownership means. Do you own the plot next to it, and they're not wanting you to be buried next to him is that what they're saying?

Yes he is buried there. Its a single plot, and the others around it are all occupied. I can't imagine why they want to 'own the plot'. When I asked (all via text) they said they just felt it would mean a lot to them! I'm remarried now and have been with my DH for a number of years, but I obviously still think of my first husband 😞

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/06/2022 20:31

I take it from your post you have remarried/had a new relationship.

If so do you want to be buried with them? Or with your first husband?

If the former (which does not at all reflect on your love for your first husband) I think you should sign it over and let his parents be buried with him. It will not lessen your love for him.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:31

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 05/06/2022 20:18

I've never heard of it either OP, and it sounds really weird to me. What country was he buried in, would that have any relevance? Was he buried in the country they live in? If not, could it be that they want to have his body exhumed and brought back to their country? Sorry for all the questions, but like you, I certainly wouldn't be doing anything to help them out, after they left you alone in your grief to cope.

The accident happened in USA but he is buried here in the UK close to his family. Its a single plot so nobody else could be buried there. I just don't trust them or what they are capable of, they were quite nasty.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/06/2022 20:33

Could they want to change the headstone? Cut you out?

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:33

Longdistance · 05/06/2022 20:22

Yes, I’d say his parents are ageing and want to buried with him, hence wanting to take over ownership.

I'm wondering if they want their ashes buried with him. I'm not an unreasonable person though and I would agree to that, I guess maybe they just don't want to ask after all these years and having not been there to help me when I really needed them

OP posts:
PartyPlan · 05/06/2022 20:34

I would tell them that unless they’re straight with you on why they want to do this you won’t be signing it over.

McConkeysPlate · 05/06/2022 20:35

I own the deeds to my husbands grave. Only I can give permission for work to be done on the gravestone etc. or if anyone wants to be inturned in the same grave. His is just a single grave so no one else can be buried there. If it was a double or triple grave I would need to give permission as deed holder. Perhaps they want to do one of the above?

Badlifeday · 05/06/2022 20:37

Although it's a single plot, it may well be possible for them to have their ashes buried there.
OP when you (eventually!) die, your dh or dc if you have them would inherit the plot. I can understand them wanting it in their family instead. You could always leave it to them if you don't want to transfer ownership now.
I'm sorry they were not good to you when you lost your dh.

peachgreen · 05/06/2022 20:38

I’m so sorry OP. So many people seem to think that if you have another relationship, you’re somehow magically “moved on” from your lost spouse when of course in the vast majority of cases you are still, and always will be, in love with them wholly and fully. It sounds like that’s what his family think. YANBU at all, they are.

cigarettesNalcohol · 05/06/2022 20:39

That's so sad op, so sorry. Say no and stick to your guns. He was your husband after all. Refuse refuse refuse.

Soontobe60 · 05/06/2022 20:41

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:29

Yes he is buried there. Its a single plot, and the others around it are all occupied. I can't imagine why they want to 'own the plot'. When I asked (all via text) they said they just felt it would mean a lot to them! I'm remarried now and have been with my DH for a number of years, but I obviously still think of my first husband 😞

Show quote history

In that case, I would sign it over to them. You’re not expecting to be buried there or have your ashes interred either so I believe the right thing to do would be to let his family take over.

JuneJubilee · 05/06/2022 20:41

even now they're devaluing your relationship saying the immediate family shoukd have it. YOU are/were his immediate family.

Like another poster has said, tell them to be straight with you or you won't even consider it.

I suppose, to be fair, if it was my son and my DIL had moved on, I might feel I wanted it to be signed over to me. But then again, I wouldn't have treat my DIL like they treat you.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:42

ParkheadParadise · 05/06/2022 20:23

It's called Deed of Grant ownership.
I bet his family want to be buried with him.

I have a suspicion you are right. Maybe their ashes. It was my SIL who messaged. I guess they are getting her to butter me up to sign things over. I can't begin to explain how sneaky they are and have been over the years. Just very untrustworthy and selfish sadly 😥

OP posts:
cigarettesNalcohol · 05/06/2022 20:44

Then in that case, like pp said, leave it to them in your will so eventually they have ownership in their family. Fair for everyone.

fruitstick · 05/06/2022 20:45

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. What an awful thing to happen. To add another perspective, I have lost a child. He was a teenager so no girlfriend, let alone wife.

He is buried nearby and we have reserved the plot next to him.

I'm sorry they were mean to you. Grief does strange things to you and some people just aren't capable of dealing with another's pain. I would say his parents' grief was equal to yours so they also deserve some slack for how they behaved initially. That doesn't make them bad people. A child doesn't stop being your child when they marry.

On the other hand they might be awful, I have no idea.

I would be straight with them and ask what they want. I'm sure you can come to an agreement.

Maybe they can be buried there but can't change the headstone. Something like that. Maybe they want to be the ones to maintain/clean it and feel they can't if it's not theirs?

Olsi109 · 05/06/2022 20:45

I would say no OP. It may mean a lot to them but it sounds like it means a great deal to you to keep it and they've treat you poorly. You were his immediate family and still would be had he not passed away. They are no more important than you are whether you have remarried or not.

I would however do as a PP suggests and leave it to his family in your will otherwise it will pass to your current DH/children as next of Kin.

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