Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

That's an awful thing to say. He will always be OP's husband.

It's like posters think that because OP was young, it was a university fling that broke up rather than a marriage with OP tragically widowed in her 20s.

My dad died last year but no one would ever consider that my mum should hand over the plot to his sister even if she did remarry. At what point between the wedding at 20 something and retirement with children and grandchildren do people think a marriage "counts" enough for the wife to remain the immediate family?

At what point in posters' marriage do they think their marriage counted as "real"? At what point would they constitute one of their parents remarrying as moving on and think they themselves are now the only ones grieving?

If a parent is bereaved and has another baby, do people think the new baby is a replacement for the dead child and thus everything is fine now? Of course not, but people can't seem to realise the same applies to a widow.

I would want ownership of my only child's grave.

I can't imagine burying my child. I expect it is because you have, quite rightly, moved on with your life. I'm sure you still mourn your first husband but, to them, it will look as if you have moved on and are happy now. I doubt they are able to move on. Psychologically, they want him returned to his family so that they can look after him.

@JenniferBarkley he will always be her husband but she is no longer his wife. She stopped being so when she married again. That doesn't mean that her first marriage meant nothing, or that she doesn't still have love for her husband but that marriage is over- you marry until "death do us part".

No, they sound like people who are and have been grieving.

I can understand it from both sides.

For whatever reason they were not close to you - so for them it most likely feels like a someone who is not part of their family owns their son’s grave. Which is of course unfair as you were his wife.

I’m trying to decide if it really matters who owns the plot, unless you plan to also be buried with your first husband? They can’t really do anything bad with it, other than to replace the stone?

If they die and their ashes are placed in with him, who will organise the stone? If you are happy for them to be with him then it means you will need to get involved in their funeral to some extent. This could become very awkward.

In this circumstance I think I might actually prefer to sign over the grave.

Burial plots have a value. You could offer to sell it and require them to cover all legal fees.

Sell it to them, really?

Just because they have behaved badly doesn’t mean the OP also needs to do that.

I think they want to bury their ashes with him. Maybe one is ill? Also want to take co tell of the headstone, maybe replace it with their own and with other names on it. You may end up cut out entirely of mention on the stone.

My brother in law owns his late wife's burial plot and it is a double, but his stepdaughters want it as they have all fallen out following an inheritance despite. They would cut him out of all mention on the stone I'm sure, but that's just vindictiveness. As it stands they can't put up a headstone of their choice and it must be agreed between all of them.

I would inform them you will allow internment and possibly an amendment to the headstone?

Don't be ridiculous. He remains her first husband and will remain a special part of her life/memories. Being married a second time doesn't diminish what they once had.

Or is the op only entitled to remember her first husband if she commits herself to a life of sitting in back headscarves mourning him at his graveside forever more?

Whilst his parents will forever remain his parents, equally he will still remain the OP's first husband.

Say no. You owe them nothing.

maybe looking at it from the other side I wouldn't call them rude and nasty like an above poster. They lost their child/sibling and probably don't rate you in all honesty, how long were you with him? It is life it happens but they still see him as theirs. Surely that is understandable too. A mother never lets her child go. Meet them halfway at least. What would he have wanted?

@Bellysmackers I'd be really wary about all of this.

I've had two siblings die and both times the graves became a bit of an unhealthy focus for my DPs.

The first sister died in what sounds like circumstances similar to your DH. It was obviously really horrible but my DM in particular created a lot of drama around the grave - one example of many was that there was a storm and some flowers she'd put there blew away but she immediately flew into a rage and said they'd been stolen. She only checked and found them later after she'd upset everyone else. Stuff like this was really hard to live with, I was a teenager and I moved out as soon as I could.

Nobody got asked for their input into the funeral arrangements, and definitely not my sibling's long term partner.

With my second sibling we were all older, she'd been ill for a long time and sibling had kids and a husband. I had to explain to my DM that she couldn't jump in hire an undertaker under the circumstances. Then she agreed with my BIL that DSis would be interred in my other sibling's grave. But then that got used to create conflict as well.

My parents - without having a discussion with my sister's immediate family about the wording or anything else - went ahead and ordered a headstone, which my sister's kids were upset about. Then they complained they had to pay for the headstone, and also started muttering about it being handy for BIL that he could use "their" plot, which still had plenty of space for them. If they'd actually spoken to my sister's kids and husband about the wording and who was paying I'm sure it would have been sorted out, but they wanted to control everything.

If your former in laws have form for behaving inconsiderately then I'd be absolutely loathe to hand over ownership in case they then cause you further hurt. The fact that they've gone about this in quite an underhand and manipulative way would be ringing alarm bells, when they could have - for example - written to you and explained what it was they wanted to do with the grave and ask for a discussion on how it could happen. Losing a child must be awful but losing a husband is terrible too, and they're still not treating you in an honest and respectful way. I think you're right not to hand it over to them.

Just leave it to them in your will (assuming you had no children between you who would have an interest).
And tell them that you've done that.
Job done.

Surely they were rude and nasty when they took his personal possessions without letting the OP have any say, and threatening her with the police if she objected?

That type of behaviour should not be put down to grief. Many bereaved people can behave perfectly well even at the worst of times, especially to their child's spouse.

If their ashes are buried with your first husband would the family not wish to change/update the headstone to reflect the additional occupants? Would you allow this?

What do you want to do OP?
He was your husband who you loved very much, you were his NOK and he died tragically. This talk from his birth family as being his 'only immediate family' is rather insulting as he chose you to make a life with and to make his wife.

I'd be inclined to say "No Thank-you, he was my husband and I loved him very much. I have no plans to make any irreversible decisions about his grave nor burial plot at this point."

Then if they have a reason (eg "we want our ashes to be buried with our son" you can consider that and discuss it and agree to what is acceptable to you based on what you believe your late husband's wishes would have been. (Ie "when the time comes I can assure you I would sympathetically view your wish to bury your ashes as parents in same plot as my husband, but with my oversight on what happens to his headstone or what additional plaques may be put there"

Derailing slightly but

If a parent is bereaved and has another baby, do people think the new baby is a replacement for the dead child and thus everything is fine now? Of course not, but people can't seem to realise the same applies to a widow.

They do think this. And vocalise it. To your face. When we found out my unborn baby was ill and we'd lose him one of the first things a lot of people said was "at least you can have another" (spoiler alert, the "another" died too).

OP, I think they're probably considering where they will go in death and want to be in with their son.

I can't imagine not having control of my babies remains, I had them cremated because I couldn't bear the thought of them being not at home. And I want them to go in with me/be scattered when I am when I die. I can't explain it, but the idea of not being with them in death makes me feel ill.

I'd be open to seeing what the ILs intentions were, but honest about not wanting to sign anything over.

@Abraxan Surely they were rude and nasty when they took his personal possessions without letting the OP have any say, and threatening her with the police if she objected?

There is still no rude and nasty there, they wanted his stuff, he was their person for a lot longer than OPs. Maybe they didn't like her, they want their own back and he died at such a young age, I think it is all completely understandable.

I sense that you are not ready to do this yet OP (and may never be).

Perhaps ask what they intend to do with it (they may not tell the truth, obviously) and tell them that you may consider it in the future but that you will initiate contact (to avoid them pressuring you)

Burial plots are becoming increasingly expensive and I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if they want to use the plot in future years to have their ashes interred there.

I'd be very blunt and ask them straight out "Why do you want this? Until you tell me, I'm doing nothing about it either way"

I'd also agree with the suggestion that if they say anything to you about their plans for the plot, you will need time to consider it and you will get back to them about it.

See what they say.

Some of the posts are difficult for me to read on here, but I threw it out there and so I have to take the rough with the smooth and I appreciate not everyone will be with my train of thought on the subject