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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands Burial Plot

311 replies

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:13

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/06/2022 20:46

Sorry for your loss OP, it sounds very traumatic.

I don’t like the underhand way they’ve approached it. They could have just been honest and told you why they are asking/what they would like to do.

Presumably they are free to visit the grave so I’m not sure why it’s suddenly so important to have ownership.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:48

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/06/2022 20:33

Could they want to change the headstone? Cut you out?

I wondered this. 🤔 I've never done anything wrong, but they are quite odd and I would say capable of anything

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 05/06/2022 20:49

I wouldn't sign it over, but would say to let me know if there is anything specific they'd like to talk about re the plot. Then leave the ball in their court.

Porcupineintherough · 05/06/2022 20:50

Yes I've heard of it. I guess they feel, rightly or wrongly, that your life has moved on but he is still their son/relative. They may wish their ashes to be buried there and may assume your funeral arrangements will be tied to your now husband's.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:53

restedbutexhausted · 05/06/2022 20:24

I don't have any specific advice on this topic but I think they're extremely rude to shun you all these years and then plant a meagre 'gift' on your doorstep. Only to then show their true colours by asking you to do something for them on the basis that they're his "immediate family", which has the double intent of attempting to make you feel bad and suggesting that you weren't as close to him. Not sure I'm articulating this properly but they are rude and nasty people by the sounds of it.

I think you have articulated this perfectly. It's almost as if you know them! They are quite selfish/calculating. I didn't even get a lot of my husbands personal effects because they took them and said if I involved police they would deny all knowledge. All very odd and they are quite well off too.

OP posts:
rocketfromthecrypt · 05/06/2022 20:59

I think losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to someone. They haven't behaved perfectly, but in the circumstances I can understand it and also them wanting to be with him in death.

Annexlife · 05/06/2022 20:59

Is it possible they want to move your first husband? I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but if they owned the plot could they have him moved to a different site (where perhaps they plan on being buried too)? It sounds awful but it's the first thing that occurred to me on reading this.

rocketfromthecrypt · 05/06/2022 21:01

Annexlife · 05/06/2022 20:59

Is it possible they want to move your first husband? I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but if they owned the plot could they have him moved to a different site (where perhaps they plan on being buried too)? It sounds awful but it's the first thing that occurred to me on reading this.

This is very difficult to do, you have to get all sorts of special permissions which are granted only in very exceptional circumstances. I don't think it's that. I think they just want the option for their ashes to be buried with their lost son, which I can totally understand.

smileyworld · 05/06/2022 21:03

I would say that they are welcome to have their ashes buried with him, if that is what they wanted but you are not willing to hand over ownership. And leave it at that.

Could you send a solicitors letter to words of that effect, to make your position firmly known?

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 21:05

I would 💯 have no issue whatsoever with interment of his parents ashes with him. Maybe I need to let them know, should this be their wish?

OP posts:
Figstar4eva · 05/06/2022 21:07

I'm sorry for your loss OP. My first husband also died young in a tragic accident. I've been fortunate to find someone new and move on in a way, his family haven't. I would give it them. It doesn't mean you don't love him but they are his family. You can celebrate and remember him in your own way.

mnahmnah · 05/06/2022 21:07

I would absolutely get in touch to say you have no issue with their ashes being buried there too. If they say that isn’t their wish, I would assume they want to change the headstone. Did you choose the headstone and wording? Are you named on there?

AlternativePerspective · 05/06/2022 21:08

smileyworld · 05/06/2022 21:03

I would say that they are welcome to have their ashes buried with him, if that is what they wanted but you are not willing to hand over ownership. And leave it at that.

Could you send a solicitors letter to words of that effect, to make your position firmly known?

That would mean the OP had ownership of their ashes as well then so I don’t imagine they would go for that.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/06/2022 21:09

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 21:05

I would 💯 have no issue whatsoever with interment of his parents ashes with him. Maybe I need to let them know, should this be their wish?

I don’t think there’s any benefit from you second guessing what they want to do.

I liked pp’s suggestion of saying if there is something particular they would like to do then you’ll be happy to discuss it. That leaves the ball in their court and you haven’t committed to anything without know what you’re committing to.

Darbs76 · 05/06/2022 21:09

I’d assume they want to be buried with their son. As you’re remarried and in another country it’s probably fair enough of them to assume you might do that. I think it’s an entirely reasonable request and I don’t know why you wouldn’t say yes to be honest.

AlternativePerspective · 05/06/2022 21:12

Tbh they sound like they were already unpleasant people so this isn’t a case of grief making them behave irrationally. And even grief doesn’t give them permission to behave as they did.

I would say an outright no, and it wouldn’t be up fr discussion.

As a matter of interest, do you have children together?

StopStartStop · 05/06/2022 21:15

ParkheadParadise · 05/06/2022 20:23

It's called Deed of Grant ownership.
I bet his family want to be buried with him.

Plots are expensive and hard to source! They're after your plot!

Ponoka7 · 05/06/2022 21:15

Even if you allowed their ashes to be buried there, you get to dictate the headstone. I agree with a pp that losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. You can move on and get another, or several husbands, they can never move on from their loss. I've witnessed the pain of someone owning their child's grave, when they've remarried. It's cruel. You expected their support, but they would have been caught up in their own grief. I don't understand why you are holding on to the grave. I've known a few people to hand over control to their deceased spouse's family.

Blaze1886 · 05/06/2022 21:18

Always trust your gut instinct

You said that they are nasty and that you don't trust them

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2022 21:19

Take your time deciding. If they have a specific request they can come and ask you.

If you hand over ownership, in the belief that its somehow 'kind', and then they do something that is upsetting to you (eg change the headstone or move him) they'll be nothing you can do. They've hardly shown themselves to be thoughtful and caring so far...

AppleButter · 05/06/2022 21:21

Dont.
too suspicious and they are untrustworthy and sound unjust.
it may cause you stress or grief in the future to have handed it over so just don’t, you are the guardian of the plot and it should stay that way. Dont do anything you may regret in the future.
possibly they want to ‘move’ him home.

also, I wouldn’t talk to your current DH too much about it in case he reads too much into it and it breeds resentment or doubt long term.

leave the guardianship of the plot as it is, You can be trusted to be just, they cant.

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 21:25

I’m assuming that you don’t want to be laid to rest there, and you don’t mention children of his that might want to use it, so I think it would be right to sign it over to their family.
A member of my family has the deeds to my DF’s grave, and I’m the only person who visits and tends the grave, so I’d like to own the deeds .

lisavanderpumpscloset · 05/06/2022 21:30

I'm sorry for the loss of your first husband. However it does sound like they aren't telling you the whole story. Without sounding too indelicate, could it be possible they'd like to relocate him to a family plot? I absolutely wouldn't sign anything over to them, but I would let them know you'd be happy for their ashes to be buried with him. What do you think your first husband would want?

1NeedPampering · 05/06/2022 21:32

His parents may want their ashes scattering there (not burial as it’s a single plot. You need to decide if you want your ashes scattering there - if so, keep control. The problem is that so many names on the headstone might mean no room for yours. If you keep control there is no reason why you can’t allow scattering of their ashes and a short name on headstone.

Jalepenojello · 05/06/2022 21:37

Just respond and say you aren’t open to having a discussion about selling the plot