Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

Agree with this.

I don't mean to be insensitive in anyway at all but he was their son.
What untrustworthy plans could they have?
Yes they were wrong to cut contact with you but what does that have to do with the burial plot?
I can't see what the negative impact would be on you if his parents had ownership.

You have remarried and (not minimising your grief) surely it's only right his parents have the deeds as he was so young etc

One of my children is in a grave so I know how that feels. I am also a MIL. If my married child died I would fully expect her husband to be making the decisions about her plot and other details, and that he would own it. Even though he's been in her life a lot shorter than we have. Of course we'd offer support as wanted but they are married. They are now closest next of kin. If he remarries, that doesn't change that.

If OP's DH's parents want to put ashes there she can allow that. I'd be concerned they would want to replace the headstone that has been placed there with care and love, to include the details of whoever's ashes are there. I think the first step is to ask why they want it.

Imagine it’s your husband’s grave 🙄They are free to visit a public grave, op is not holding it hostage.

If the grave is in a churchyard then the church owns it, not the family. Only cemetery graves can be owned by individuals. Even if it's a single burial plot, a cemetery will often allow up to four sets of ashes to be interred in the grave. Only the owner of a cemetery grave can erect a headstone and choose the wording on it. Otherwise a transfer of ownership needs to be undertaken.

I'm guessing they want to have their ashes interred with their son. If you transfer ownership then possibly they'll change the headstone altogether and choose a new inscription.

What legal benefit does it have for his other family?

I don’t know that’s why I asked.

I'd ask why they want it.

I would politely decline their request and leave it at that. The fact you’ve remarried is irrelevant to me - at the time he died he was your husband and nothing can change that. I find it bizarre that they want it signed over to them. Perhaps make it clear (if you feel comfortable with this) that you would be happy for them to e.g inter his parents’ ashes there if they want to.

I was widowed young and I would never give up ownership of my husband's grave even though I've remarried. You should not feel pressurised or obligated to give up ownership. I'm sure they'll get over it.

I would worry that they would change the head stone.

I would say I would only pass it to their family in my will.

I'd understand if that's the issue and since you say you're happy to I'd tell them this clearly. Maybe you could sign something to say their ashes can be interned there. I'd also be making it clear that you don't intend to ever sign the plot over. The reasons I can think of them asking is put their ashes with him, to change the headstone or just something they feel would bring them some comfort. Given what they're like I wouldn't be signing it over.

Can I gently ask why?

He was there flesh and blood.

I haven't been in this situation so don't have any experience but I would imagine after time and if I was remarried etc and his family expressed a desire to own the burial plot, I would understand and let them

Think the right thing is to give them the deeds. You've re married he's not your husband anymore. He is their son.

These people are absolutely dreadful, by the sound of it. Your late husband married you. You, not his parents, were his next of kin. Your second marriage doesn't make your first marriage any less important to you, or your first husband's death any less sad.

Grief is absolutely no excuse for the way they treated you when and after your husband died. They were vile to you at a time when you were traumatised and distraught - which additionally shows a massive disrespect for their own son, who fell in love with you and married you and would clearly have not wanted you to be treated horribly by them.

I would absolutely not be letting them have any rights over the grave. If they want their ashes interred or scattered at the same plot, their surviving children can contact you when the time comes and ask your permission.

If there are other things that you wanted of your husbands for sentimental reasons I’d wonder if they are still around. I might reply very unsubtly:
its so good to hear from you! Why would you like the grave after this long? Since we’re in contact, did you know that I still miss items x y and x that I wanted to remember John by, at the time your family were pretty nasty about it all, but perhaps your contacting me after so long means there’s some recognition finally that I was his wife? Xx

Er...yes he is. She is still his next of kin, the legal inheritor of all his effects.

They didn’t contact you much after the death and didn’t visit you. You didn’t contact them much and occasionally text, presumably don’t visit them. I’m not sure why the animosity towards them unless there’s a huge backstory because neither party seems to have contacted the other much? I don’t think you can really expect his immediate family to be your support when they’re grieving, that should be your family and friends. Did your husband get on ok with his family? What would he want?

That is really odd..Sorry for the loss of your First Husband.
I bet they would like their ashes to be placed in their son's grave.
I understand that wish, anyone who has a child pre decease them would..
A tricky one.
Ashes don't take up a whole load of space, and it would probably mean a lot to them.
But...Your call.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please don't feel you need to hand the plot over. He was your husband. You didn't leave him, you didn't divorce him, he died. I think some on this thread and your in-laws are forgetting that you are his immediate family. Their grief is of course awful, but so is yours - you expected to grow old with your husband and had your future snatched away from you. Your remarriage doesn't change that.

I think you're right to tell them you're open to discussions so that if they want their ashes buried there you can facilitate that. It would be the kind thing to do. But I would worry they would change the head stone if they could.

Some of the posts on this thread are awful and I imagine pretty difficult for OP to read.

This what the OP wrote on Page 2:

They are quite selfish/calculating. I didn't even get a lot of my husbands personal effects because they took them and said if I involved police they would deny all knowledge

The OP has not said she expected them to be her support, but never visiting her is quite an omission on their part.

I think just text back this but be clear that you will not sign over ownership. Maybe end with a I'd rather you not contact me again.

Just because you remarried does not mean you don't still love first DH and remember the life you had with him. My sister's husband died of a massive heart attack at 40. Eventually after 7 years she remarried. 15 years later she still goes to first DH grave every week. She would never in a million years hand over his grave to anybody. Thankfully her in-laws were lovely people. Sadly yours are not. Keep a hold of it or if you hand it to them they would be changing headstone and airbrushing you put of his life. They sound horrible people.

The parents see you have remarried and maybe want to be buried with their son and fear he will be left there alone and that hurts them very much.Why was it a single plot to begin with? did you not intend to be buried with him yourself. If you intend on been buried with your first husband keep the grave but if not wouldn't you like to think he has family with him

I think ths is extremely hurtful to the op,of course he is her husband so does that mean his parents are not his parents anymore either.I think you should apologise to the op as she lost her husband, seems like you may think because she remarried she list the right to call him her husband

Lost not list