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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands Burial Plot

311 replies

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:13

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
Zonder · 27/06/2022 13:57

If they worked on having a good relationship with the OP I'm sure they could have the parents added to the gravestone in time. It sounds like they have been really antagonistic. If she hadn't married again would you still expect her to hand it all over?

Pompom2367 · 27/06/2022 14:04

Op I'm sorry for your loss and the lack of support I think you shouldn't sign the plot over and just block these people

countrylifer · 27/06/2022 14:12

Sounds like they've not been easy in laws and consequently you might not be acting in good faith tbh.

I don't diminish the love and loss you experienced in your husband's death at all. I do think though that you're not doing the morally right thing here. Like other posters have said, if something happens to you, his plot will be in the hands of your now husband, and that's not at all right.

Be the better person. Open a sensible discussion with them and remember that no matter how difficult they're being, this is their son. If I was in their shoes I'd want to feel I had control of the only thing left of him. I'm sure you can agree conditions such as the headstone reflecting your position as his wife, if it does currently.

Changerazelea · 27/06/2022 16:24

@MiMiniPiccolo why so spiteful towards OP? "Waving a next of kin banner"?! Seriously. Like it or not OP was her DH's next of kin so this is her decision alone to make.

Well done OP hope it helps you to feel like you can move on from this and not have it hanging over you.

GCRich · 27/06/2022 16:58

Wow OP... just had a quick look through your posts on this thread... sorry for your loss and glad you were able to move on in time.

I'd have been sorely tempted to say something like "you've taken 10 years to be civil to me, and you have only done so because you want something. I will meet your standards and will reply to you when both 10 years have passed and I decide I want something from you."

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/06/2022 18:37

This reply has been deleted

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Even without the numerous assumptions, that's just awful! Who do you think you are to try and establish a hierarchy of grief and then make wild speculations about how the OP might have behaved?

Betty000 · 27/06/2022 18:54

I suppose if you did let them have their way, there would be no need for any further contact, might be worth it! Also maybe as you have moved on in your life, they may feel you have forgotten him? Who knows, you must do what feels right.

misssunshine4040 · 27/06/2022 19:33

Pompom2367 · 27/06/2022 14:04

Op I'm sorry for your loss and the lack of support I think you shouldn't sign the plot over and just block these people

Those people are his parents! He died young, imagine that was your son?
There is no place for arguments and spite over something like this.

The OP has remarried -and that does not take away the relationship that was there- but his parents should have full control of his resting place even if they were awful to the OP.

Throckmorton · 27/06/2022 19:42

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What a very nasty, thoughtless and spiteful reply. Shame on you

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 27/06/2022 20:39

Whilst most replies have been really helpful, I get the impression from some responses that they feel I'm holding onto my first husbands plot for spite. This isn't the case at all, nor did I expect my inlaws to put their emotions to the side when he passed away and comfort me (as some have also stated). I just hoped for respect, empathy and that we would support each other. Obviously for whatever reason, most likely because we all grieve in different ways, that didn't happen. I'm 18 years on and so whilst I've never forgotten that they never once visited me in those years, or even invited me to their house - I don't hold a grudge - but yes, of course it hurt, but I learned to cope with help from my own friends and family. But 18 years on they want something from me, the rights to my husbands plot, so suddenly they are all super friendly and want to meet for a chat! Would you be a tad peed off?? Be honest! That said, they can visit, sit at, put flowers on his grave whenever they wish of course and this is their rights. I've never in my lifetime heard of any widow signing a plot of their deceased husband over to other family. I would feel like I was betraying him and tossing him aside as though he no longer matters because I dared to remarry in my 40s! I paid for his entire funeral, his headstone and the plot. Rightly so as I was his wife. Therefore my gut feeling is that as his next of kin and wife at his time of death I remain the rights to his plot (after giving it a lot of thought) I have let his family know that if at anytime in the future his parents would like to be laid to rest there also, I'm more than happy to help with anything they might need. I've received some lovely helpful replies to this thread and I thank you all. I've also received some quite nasty and hurtful ones, but I'm a strong person and can rise above! Much love x

OP posts:
Oceanus · 27/06/2022 21:21

OP, reason's on your side. You have every right to be pissed and they can piss off.

Throckmorton · 27/06/2022 22:19

OP, you are completely in the right. If I died and my parents treated my husband the way your inlaws treated you I would be horrified (well, if the dead can be horrified - you know what I mean) and would want nothing to do with them, nevermind not wanting them to own my grave! This would still apply if my husband married again, as I would hope he would!

CPL593H · 27/06/2022 22:26

Some people on this thread seem to think that there should be a saintly and bountiful stream of goodwill flowing from the OP to her former in laws, 'because parents'. It is a great shame that those parents showed so little respect and consideration towards the woman their son had chosen to marry and spend his life with when she was widowed.

They are able to visit his grave freely. The OP has said she will facilitate their ashes being buried with him if they want that. What more should reasonably be expected of her?

Cyclebabble · 27/06/2022 23:00

Hi OP. I think this is the right response. I am sorry, this must have really brought the loss back for you. Some of the posts on this thread have been horrific.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 28/06/2022 09:29

Cyclebabble · 27/06/2022 23:00

Hi OP. I think this is the right response. I am sorry, this must have really brought the loss back for you. Some of the posts on this thread have been horrific.

Thankyou 🥰 x

OP posts:
jaymelanyster · 14/09/2022 12:44

Hi. I am devastated to hear that. In my opinion you have all the rights to keep the ownership of your husband’s grave. Even though you have remarried it does not change anything. I am sure you love your first husband as much as you have loved him before his death and you still care about his grave. Remarrying does not make you a worse person. It just speaks about the fact that you took care of yourself and your life. The fact that they have not called you for 10 years or sent any messages speaks a lot about their behavior and respect to you. I think more information you should find here as they specialize in this kind of topics: newrestfunerals.co.uk/services/burial/direct/ . Wishing you strength, peace and good luck!

DuvetHugger · 14/09/2022 13:17

Could they want to remove your name from the stone? Assuming it says "beloved wife of.."

LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 13:49

See my view would be you've remarried and moved on anyway so why would you still want ownership of the grave? Do you still tend the grave regularly? I don't see the issue with giving it back to his family.

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 13:58

Sorry I see this is an old thread
But considering it has been 18 years. Do you yourself really wanna hold on to the plot?like are you planning on being burried there too?

Because if you dont. I would give it up.
Yes they didnt bother contacting you. Which might have been painful. But they lost their son. And might not have known how to handle it all.

Ask yourself long and hard why you wanna hold on to that plot .

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 14/09/2022 14:03

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 13:58

Sorry I see this is an old thread
But considering it has been 18 years. Do you yourself really wanna hold on to the plot?like are you planning on being burried there too?

Because if you dont. I would give it up.
Yes they didnt bother contacting you. Which might have been painful. But they lost their son. And might not have known how to handle it all.

Ask yourself long and hard why you wanna hold on to that plot .

I don't have to ask myself long and hard. He was my husband.
If your husband passed, at what point do you stop caring about his burial plot and hand it over to others? Never, is the answer.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 14:09

Maybe they genuinely can't understand the love and loyalty you still hold op because their moral compass is polar opposite? You have maintained dignity op.
Glad you have messaged your wishes to them. Hopefully they will be respectful of your decision..

Tryingtokeepgoing · 14/09/2022 14:11

LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 13:49

See my view would be you've remarried and moved on anyway so why would you still want ownership of the grave? Do you still tend the grave regularly? I don't see the issue with giving it back to his family.

My husband died when he was 47. We were together 24 years. Regardless of if and when I ‘move on’ (the works of someone who hasn’t lost a spouse young…) he was and still is a huge part of my life. His grave is one of few tangible things I have left of that part of my life. I cannot envisage any circumstance in which I’d want to relinquish that. I am fully behind the OP, and find it very difficult to understand why people can’t see it from her point of view. If nothing else because in more usually circumstance her husband would have outlived his parents and they’d not be interred with him or have their names on his grave anyway, other than as ‘partner to…’ , which can still happen.

JenniferBarkley · 14/09/2022 14:16

OP, I'm sorry to see this thread bumped, I imagine that was an unpleasant surprise for you this afternoon. You have been very dignified in response to some very hurtful comments on here. I hope you're keeping well. Flowers

OhmygodDont · 14/09/2022 14:19

They didn’t divorce he died op lost her husband and her in-laws couldn’t even be civil now want to take what she has left of him?

if the plot shouldn’t matter to op because she’s moved on why should it matter to them? His buried there, he has a headstone. Any person can go and out down flowers or talk to it. They don’t need to own the plot. It works both ways why does Op need it… why do they need it. It doesn’t bring him back, she paid for it all as his wife.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 14/09/2022 15:42

JenniferBarkley · 14/09/2022 14:16

OP, I'm sorry to see this thread bumped, I imagine that was an unpleasant surprise for you this afternoon. You have been very dignified in response to some very hurtful comments on here. I hope you're keeping well. Flowers

Thankyou 🥰 yes, I could have done without this today, but I guess I 'put it out there' so to speak. I find it difficult to understand why people feel just because time has past and I am remarried, this means I should relinquish rights to my husbands burial plot. It's not a competition for who loved him more, I would just like him to rest in peace really 🙏 ❤️

OP posts: