Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

What an awful post.

She was his wife. That doesn’t change just because she has remarried.

How is it awful?

What legal benefits does owning a grave have vs not owning it?

But they claim that they are his immediate family… implying that she is not. As his wife, she is absolutely his immediate family. I’d say no or demand his immediate effects returned.

They could want their ashes buried with him or it is possible to have another body put in the same grave, I think.
As you were his wife you are his legal next of kin. If one of his parents died they could scatter ashes on the grave, I don’t think permission is needed for that, but cannot inter anything without your permission.
A difficult decision as of course they did lose their son, but you lost your husband.

I agree with this

What legal benefit does it have for his other family?

We lost my ddad many years ago now. My dm never remarried but she has moved on in her own way. She would be devastated if my ddad’s family sprung this on her. Obviously they wouldn’t because they are decent people and recognise the place that my dm had in his life.

I’d like to say my siblings and I do our bit with the grave but we really don’t. It doesn’t mean we miss him any less but we only really visit at Christmas. It’s my dm that cleans the headstone and ensures there are fresh flowers. She also arranges the annual memorial service. She’s a different person now than when she was married and has a completely new life but she has never forgotten my ddad.

Yes but it's complicated isn't it? The OP was his wife, now she is someone else's. She may still have love for him but her life has (quite rightly) moved on. She now loves someone else and has a new family.

I agree with this.

It might be that they are planning to ask the cemetery whether some family members could be buried on top in the same plot? There is a tendency to do this now as some places are running out of spaces. Either way seeing as you have received little in the way of support I would go with a strong refusal.

I'd say no - simply because they sound devious and untrustworthy. If they come back later about wanting the parents ashes put in - consider that when it happens. It seems odd and suspect to me.

Just had a thought that perhaps if your first husbands headstone has loving wife etc or mentioning word husband that as you have remarried that they are planning to change it? Would they go that far? Would they have the money to do that?

What would your DH have wanted? I would give over the plot to his family, it will mean a lot to them.

I know that you've said that they've behaved horribly, but I do kind of get how the immediate family's loss is different from a spouse's. Especially when the DS was so young. You have someone new filling the gap in your life. They never will.

Agree with this. I have 3 family members who died young with spouses and the family always lost touch. Unless grandchildren are in the picture, sometimes it’s just too painful a relationship to maintain.

Why would you refuse? Just to be spiteful?
i would try to find out why they want it and then decide.

She was his wife!

How insensitive can you be?!

You were & are his immediate family.

I once, as a work thing, had to value buial plots. Has Sil realised buying a plot costs a fair bit & they are trying to get one on the cheap? 🙄😳

My answer would depend upon what I thought your late DH would have wanted.

I wouldn’t do this if I thought he wouldn’t have wanted it. The grave is for his memory and you were his wife. There is a reason that you own it at this time, presumably you organised the burial/headstone in the first place.

Their wishes here don’t trump yours, morally or legally.

Was your DH close to his parents?
You say you have no problem if they want their ashes to be placed in his grave but he was your husband. Is it a place you visit? How do you feel about it becoming their resting place too?
From what you’ve said about them, I’d hate the idea.

I would hand over the ownership BUT I’d start by telling them you need to think about it because of how hurt you are for XYZ. I’m a reasonable person so would always intend on signing them over, but I’m not so reasonable that I wouldn’t use it as a way to tell them first just how hurtful and shitty their behaviour is/was.

I'm sorry but a marriage and widowhood in your 20's, and the moving on, should not give you control of your dead spouses remains for the rest of your life.

bluntly, this is your opinion not a legal or material fact.

This is a horrible situation for you to be in, few for you.

I know if it were one of my children, and their widowed partner had remarried - and they’d had no children together (it’d be with my blessing as life moves on), I’d be hoping that I’d have ownership of the burial plot.

I would, as a mother really want the burial plot to belong to my child’s blood family. I know I’d still value to relationship the child had with their spouse and wouldn’t demean the marriage and i would always believe that widowed spouse is also the child’s family too but the widow can move on, remarry and it just doesn’t sit right with me that they’d be remarried but still ‘owning’ our child’s remains.

As a wife, if I were to be widowed, I genuinely feel that I would sign the plot ownership to the parents. Unless we had children together, then I fee it’d belong to them when they’re old enough.

It is so difficult and there really isn’t a right or wrong. Just because I’d personally do the above, that in no way means I’m right or wrong. You do what you feel is best.

Can’t believe all the snarky ‘you’ve moved on so hand over the grave’ comments. A good friend was devastated when her husband died. She has, thank god, remarried. She will, however, always love her first husband more and was absolutely devastated when he died. They really loved each other. It is still wonderful for her to now share some love and companionship again. But never in a million years would she sign her first husband’s grave over to his family. Most of whom he wasn’t particularly close to, so OP you do what feels right for you.

This was my first thought, otherwise why would they have left it so long and treated you badly. I’d guess they’ve been looking at burial options and someone has come with the bright idea of getting one off you for free.