Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

[Redhotchillii]

I dont think it is unreasonable of them at all and I dont get why you said no

[Bellysmackers]

He is buried in the UK and close to both his parents and myself. I have no issues with his parents ashes being buried with him if this is their wish.

[Sarah3587]

Some People react oddly after they lose their child. He was your first husband and it sounds like you’ve moved on remarried and have a new life now. I would hand over their sons grave. Imagine if this were your child’s grave.

[purplesequins]

graves can usually be re-used after 20-25 years.
with urns it's even more feasible to intern more than one deceased.

sorry for your loss.

[Bluetrews25]

OP, would he have wanted to be buried with his parents?
How would he have felt about their treatment of you?
Yes, it's terrible to lose a child. But there is no reason to behave as they did.
You reap what you sow.
I'd be tempted to ignore their request as they have been awful and are not nice people.

[Ginger1982]

Does his headstone say, e.g. 'beloved husband of Bellysmackers?' Comic they be wanting to change this?

[KangarooKenny]

I can see why they wouldn’t want to be buried in a grave that they have no control over. I personally can’t see why you wouldn’t hand it over, I would in your circumstance.

[HappyGoLuckyLuLu]

Probably best to not second guess why they want this and just come out and ask them.

Grief over loss of child or husband isn't going to be one worse than the other - they're clearly different. I think considering what your first husband would have wanted is a good approach. And of course you can say no to them. If you didn't have children with him then leaving it to them in a will perhaps with stipulation that your name not be removed if that is something you think they might do and you wouldn't want to happen could be a good compromise. But overall if you can bear to ask them civilly why they would want this that might be your best next step before you decide what to do

[minuette1]

I would hand it over but get them to sign something saying it is on condition that they do not change the headstone.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Thing is, your first husband chose you to be his "immediate family", and they don't seem to be recognising that. With everything else you've said about them, I would not be inclined to trust them.

I can't see any problem with you asking why they want ownership, but you are not obliged to respond or defend in any way your continued ownership of his grave. It's up to them to offer a compelling reason to change the status quote, and they haven't done that yet.

[AlmostThereMaybe]

Sorry to hear about what happened and sorry to hear about the situation that you have been put in now. I wouldn’t sign the burial plot over unless you are genuinely happy to do so. My view is that you were his wife and whatever choices you’ve made after his death doesn’t change your entitlement to ownership of his resting place.

[User89174648495]

You sound like you are being controlling over their son’s grave because you don’t like them. Is this punishment for their behaviour?

Have you got children, if so, are they with this man?

What can you think of that they would do that you don’t want them to? Why don’t you be the bigger person and be open and ask them what they are hoping for?

Grief is awful for everyone but the kind thing to do is to be open to compromise.

[Rosscameasdoody]

As a widow myself I would find it really insulting. They are not your late husbands’ ‘immediate’ family, you are. It doesn’t matter what their reasoning for leaving you to your own devices after you were widowed - it was wrong and they know it. You would have been vulnerable and in need of support through the most difficult experience of your life, and they abandoned you. And the only reason they are in touch now is because they want this of you. It obviously means a great deal more to you than to them, so I would say no and have nothing more to do with them.

[Onwards22]

I personally would just give them ownership.

It’s probably something they want to do before they’re too old and I can’t see how you owning it benefits you in any way.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@Onwards22

I personally would just give them ownership.

It’s probably something they want to do before they’re too old and I can’t see how you owning it benefits you in any way.

Wow!

[saraclara]

Do you visit the grave regularly?

I know that you've said that they've behaved horribly, but I do kind of get how the immediate family's loss is different from a spouse's. Especially when the DS was so young. You have someone new filling the gap in your life. They never will.

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel in their situation. Of course I'd want my DCs' partners to be happy again and find someone else. But it leaves something like a grave in a kind of limbo. I don't know (thanks goodness) but I can imagine that their attchment to it ten years on, might be greater than yours.

But I'd have the conversation. Even if you don't trust them. Say no, it's not something that you're considering, but is there anything that they'd like your permission to do with it.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think that's a bit unfair, @User89174648495 . You could just as easily say they are trying to be controlling over her husband's grave. And it's not "controlling" to want to know more information before handing over ownership of something so emotional and precious, especially to people who have previously treated you unkindly, as these people have been to the OP.

[Rosscameasdoody]

@User89174648495

You sound like you are being controlling over their son’s grave because you don’t like them. Is this punishment for their behaviour?

Have you got children, if so, are they with this man?

What can you think of that they would do that you don’t want them to? Why don’t you be the bigger person and be open and ask them what they are hoping for?

Grief is awful for everyone but the kind thing to do is to be open to compromise.

Her husbands family abandoned her when she most needed their support. They weren’t kind to her at the worst time of her life, so why should she be kind to them now ? And it might be their sons’ grave but he was also her husband. It sounds as though they have no empathy or understanding beyond their own grief and are only in touch because they want something.

[Fenella123]

You don't trust them, for very sound reasons. So say no.

Feel free to say that you're happy to consider letting their ashes be buried in the plot ... though, TBH, as they behaved poorly, I'd be tempted not even to say this. Let them gather the courage to ask, if they're that keen. If they can't ask politely without pissing you off, you don't need the upset.

[JudgeJ]

@Bellysmackers

I would 💯 have no issue whatsoever with interment of his parents ashes with him. Maybe I need to let them know, should this be their wish?

Are they aware that it's a single plot so they can't be buried there? If they want their ashes in there they don't need to own the plot, they will simply need your consent and I'm sure that you should be able to amend the ownership to reflect this, the condition being that they can make no changes.

[LuaDipa]

@Onwards22

I personally would just give them ownership.

It’s probably something they want to do before they’re too old and I can’t see how you owning it benefits you in any way.

What an awful post.

She was his wife. That doesn’t change just because she has remarried.

I’m sure his family has also changed. There may have been marriages, grandchildren, even great grandchildren. That doesn’t mean their grief is less valid or they miss him any less. Why is this different for the op?

[Teenagehorrorbag]

I didn't know anyone owned graves as such? Unless they are double plots or something....

My siblings and I recently contacted the church where my mother is buried and asked if we could have the headstone moved as it was out of line with others. They didn't ask for any proof of relationship or deeds etc. We arranged for a stonemason to do the work and we could have been anyone. My father is presumably the 'owner' but he had other stuff going on and we didn't involve him; nobody asked for any ID.

I would ask them what exactly it is they want to do that they can't do without your 'permission'? Seems very odd!

[Porcupineintherough]

Ownership.of a plot is not necessarily "in perpetuity" my grandmother's was for 50 years. Now if we don't rent it again it will be recycled for another occupant, with the headstone removed. Maybe they just want the security of knowing its safe? My mum is giving up her mum's grave as she doesn't want it to go untended once she's too old to visit (it's hundreds of miles away). She doesn't feel that her mum is "there" but would hate anyone to see an untended grave and think no one cared for her. Grief can be quite complex .

[Sylfia]

I'd let them have it - I'd rather think of the grave being tended by any family into the future than left in your sole possession. If you're not planning to be buried there, and he has no children, it's nicer to think of him being with parents. Doesn't mean you love him any less.

[Tandora]

@Darbs76

I’d assume they want to be buried with their son. As you’re remarried and in another country it’s probably fair enough of them to assume you might do that. I think it’s an entirely reasonable request and I don’t know why you wouldn’t say yes to be honest.

I agree with this. OP you are a parent. Please try to imagine if thIs were your DC. You have a new husband and children now, let them be buried with their son, and have ownership of their ashes.
sorry for your loss.
xxx