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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you tell someone pre going on a date

642 replies

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:42

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another Grin

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 04/06/2022 11:46

I don't put I have children on my profile no. It's nothing to do with anyone until I get to know them. Didny you text or call before the date to find out more about each other?
The men I have spoken to who haven't put children on their profile did always make me aware they had children before the date , while we were getting to know each other a little more. Maybe put on your profile you sent date people with children.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/06/2022 11:47

Don't date people with children *

playtest12 · 04/06/2022 11:48

I would want to know too, because I wouldn't date someone with children.

It's a decade since I met DH OLD, but I did not want to date men with children.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:49

It's nothing to do with anyone until I get to know them.

@Inthesameboatatmo I disagree! I feel like being involved with someone who has children is a huge decision & should be made clear. I understand not putting it on your profile, but I think it's just polite to mention it before you met up. My time is important too, and I wouldn't have spent my saturday morning meeting him if I'd known.

Didny you text or call before the date to find out more about each other?
Yup and he didn't mention it when clearly he could've done.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 11:50

Yes they should, doesn’t have to be on profile but should be before meeting in messages, many men will lie as they don’t want to put women off, my ex has 5 kids and told me he tells women he doesn’t have any. But also if it’s important to you you should ask in future.

CRbear · 04/06/2022 11:50

This used to annoy me too. It’s such a huge thing and it always felt like they hadn’t mentioned it because they wouldn’t get as many dates. Which could be true but what did they think was going to happen - someone liked them so much on a first date they would overlook something as huge as having kids (if I didn’t want to date someone who had them I mean)? Even if they did surely such a lie of omission would put the person off. I just don’t understand it.

maddening · 04/06/2022 11:51

As a woman, if I was single and OLD then I would not put dc on my profile.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:51

Maybe put on your profile you sent date people with children.

I could do but I use the apps which aren't really set up for that kind of thing, you just write a couple of lines & have witty (mine probably aren't) answers to questions.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 11:52

maddening · 04/06/2022 11:51

As a woman, if I was single and OLD then I would not put dc on my profile.

Doesn’t need to be on your profile but you should mention in messages before meeting to save wasting peoples time

zafferana · 04/06/2022 11:53

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:51

Maybe put on your profile you sent date people with children.

I could do but I use the apps which aren't really set up for that kind of thing, you just write a couple of lines & have witty (mine probably aren't) answers to questions.

In that case, I don't think he was unreasonable. How was he to know that you don't date people who have DC and don't want to 'waste your time' with them, if you weren't explicit about that?

MistyRuins · 04/06/2022 11:53

I'm confused.

Did you meet him at work (you say you work together), or did you meet him online dating?

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:54

CRbear · 04/06/2022 11:50

This used to annoy me too. It’s such a huge thing and it always felt like they hadn’t mentioned it because they wouldn’t get as many dates. Which could be true but what did they think was going to happen - someone liked them so much on a first date they would overlook something as huge as having kids (if I didn’t want to date someone who had them I mean)? Even if they did surely such a lie of omission would put the person off. I just don’t understand it.

This is how I feel.

He knew I probably wouldn't meet up with him, this was a way of sort of charming me first and giving him a shot where he would've have had one before.

The lie of omission did put me off.

Lots of people put that they have children on their profile, that they have a partner and are looking for a polyamorous thing, or that they are purely looking for FWB arrangement. All are things I would be annoyed about if they weren't clear pre meeting.

OP posts:
grxxxx · 04/06/2022 11:54

If like you sound you want a date that could lead to a relationship then pointless to date someone who already doesn’t meet your criteria before even contacting you , I think you may need to add “ no children “ or “ single no baggage “ to your profile
he’s just wasted your and his time and effort

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/06/2022 11:54

What i meant was. As a woman I don't put down I have children because of who it can attract, those who have an unhealthy like of children. But ultimately it is up to the man whether he chooses to divulge information about himself like having children to a complete stranger isn't it. The same way you are just as entitled to not mention certain things. It's a person's right isn't it. His right to keep his Info out of it before he's even met a person in the flesh and it's your right to date people without children.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:55

zafferana · 04/06/2022 11:53

In that case, I don't think he was unreasonable. How was he to know that you don't date people who have DC and don't want to 'waste your time' with them, if you weren't explicit about that?

Show quote history

Ah classic MN, you're already spoiling for a fight!

Please link to where I said "waste my time".

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 11:56

Agree you should put no children on your dating profile, I’ve seen men stating no single mums.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 11:56

"How was he to know that you don't date people who have DC and don't want to 'waste your time' with them, if you weren't explicit about that?
Add message"

Surely he can guess it's a possibility for a 28 year old single woman? And it's an important thing to mention!

Ringmaster27 · 04/06/2022 11:56

If I was OLD I wouldnt put it on my profile, but it would definitely be something I’d tell a prospective date before meeting up. It’s a major part of life and not something you can really hide 🤨

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:56

MistyRuins · 04/06/2022 11:53

I'm confused.

Did you meet him at work (you say you work together), or did you meet him online dating?

On a dating app, by coicindence it turns out we work for the same company. It's huge which is why I hadn't heard of him, and none of my friends had.

OP posts:
CRbear · 04/06/2022 11:57

If it’s hinge there’s a bit to add if you have/haven’t got kids - and the ones who left it blank I asked as it seemed suspicious! I still got caught out and then it definitely felt intentionally misleading.

romdowa · 04/06/2022 11:59

This was always a huge peeve of mine! Like you , I refused to date guys with children. I once left mid date when he disclosed how many children he had. Maybe you need to also introduce a rule about not dating those who work with your organisation as well.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 04/06/2022 11:59

I'm a bit torn on this one. I wouldn't ever date someone with children either, so like you, I would want to know. However, as long as he told you the first time you met, I don't think he is necessarily being unreasonable if it didn't come up in conversation before that. Any longer than that and it would look distinctly like he was trying to hide it.

BreakinbadBreakineven · 04/06/2022 12:00

I don't put that I have a child on my profile but tell anyone I message that I have one pretty quickly. I don't want to risk attracting anyone who might have unsavoury reasons for wanting to date someone with kids.

InChocolateWeTrust · 04/06/2022 12:00

How was he to know that you don't date people who have DC and don't want to 'waste your time' with them, if you weren't explicit about that?

I think the default among single childless people under 30 would be a preference to not date people with kids, people willing to date a man with two would be the exception.

motogirl · 04/06/2022 12:01

The app I used allowed me to set those parameters (I put min age 18 for children) I'm guessing you get what you pay for with old