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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think you tell someone pre going on a date

642 replies

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:42

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another Grin

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2022 12:26

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I think this is really unfair. Being a good step parent is a big undertaking. If OP doesn’t want that, that’s completely fine. The only dad who won’t impact on your dating is a shit dad who gives his children no time/money/priority.

Orla83 · 04/06/2022 12:27

And newsflash, MN is now a women's website,

Wasn't it always? It's never just been parents or people TTC, though opinion is divided on this, and some find it odd that they want to post on Mumsnet.

Agapornis · 04/06/2022 12:27

It's shit when people lie by omission, it's happened to me too. I do now ask whether they have kids before meeting. This was after finding out 3 weeks in that "I have a family thing so not available all weekend" meant he had a 3 month old baby Hmm byeee

cheekyfucker101 · 04/06/2022 12:27

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:23

Yes this is fair, but I still think you should be telling someone pre-meeting up.

Many many men do state it though, and I've been on a lot of dates and it's the first time its happened.

Show quote history

Maybe just ask the question directly before arranging the date? I think your making a bigger deal out of it than it needs.

Most adults over 30 DO have kids. Assume they have kids and ask the question pre date...

whatthehelldowecare · 04/06/2022 12:28

My now DH didn't tell me at first and then casually mentioned it to me on our first date that he had sports day the next day. He played stupid at the time 'i must have told you?!?!' but he's since admitted he was worried about scaring me (and probably others at the time) off.

I'm glad he did, because it might have put me off and I wouldn't have a wonderful DH and DSD who I love to bits now

Andromachehadabadday · 04/06/2022 12:28

I have no interest in dating a man with kids. Especially, small ones. Mine are older and fairly independent. I only had 2 kids because I didn’t want to factor 3 plus kids into my plans.

However, I think if it’s a deal breaker (as it is for you and me) then you should be out and out asking the question. For some people it doesn’t even occur to them that it might be a problem. Some want to be private until they get to know someone better.

If you have told them you don’t want to date someone with kids and they don’t tell you they do, then be annoyed.

But I suspect you think they should disclose kids so you don’t have to point out this is your deal breaker. Do you feel a bit awkward about saying that to prospective dates outright? Do you think even if they have kids they might be put off you?

Orla83 · 04/06/2022 12:29

@floralarrangement

Yes, I think I would prefer to tell before meeting up. I can imagine it might be more awkward to give that information in person if you're not sure how it might be received. Better not to waste both of your time.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/06/2022 12:29

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That's a massive overreaction.

SaltandPeppasHere · 04/06/2022 12:32

No I don’t put that I have children on my profile, as I don’t want to attract paedophiles and abusers. Yes, unfortunately, it’s a thing. I would generally mention it in a message before meeting, but there have been occasions where I haven’t. If I’m not looking for a long term relationship, then it’s none of their business.

PinkSyCo · 04/06/2022 12:32

I don’t do internet dating, but if I did I would definitely mention straight away that I had young kids and would expect a man to do the same and would be annoyed at time wasters who omitted this info.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/06/2022 12:33

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 12:09

"But ultimately it is up to the man whether he chooses to divulge information about himself like having children to a complete stranger isn't it."

Does he not have to say if he's married then?

@Gwenhwyfar.

Of course he doesn't have to say if he's married or not . Rightly or wrongly that's up to him . The same way what you choose to tell someone about you is up to you. I'm not saying it's right. But nobody has the right to dictate what another person says to anyone about themselves .

Mammyloveswine · 04/06/2022 12:35

If I was dating again I would not mention my children as some people prey on women with children (and I'm sure on men with children!). It's nobody's business at all!

Goldencarp · 04/06/2022 12:37

You are not being unreasonable. It’s up to the person who has children to declare they have them rather than the other person stating they don’t want to date people with children. If you had to list all the deal breakers you’d run out of room! It’s a massive thing and should be mentioned.

PinkSyCo · 04/06/2022 12:38

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Are you for real? OP has every right to chose whether she dates a man who has kids or not. What’s more, despite what you claim, she is still young enough to be ‘fussy’ about what she does or doesn’t want. Behave yourself.

RepublicOfNarnia · 04/06/2022 12:44

Yanbu but apart from that you need to widen your dating pool. Very bizarre to be fishing in the same pond that you work in.

Herejustforthisone · 04/06/2022 12:45

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People won’t want to date you because you’ve got a kid. I’m afraid you’re going to have to accept that and not be so…triggered.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:45

RepublicOfNarnia · 04/06/2022 12:44

Yanbu but apart from that you need to widen your dating pool. Very bizarre to be fishing in the same pond that you work in.

We met on an app, neither of us list the specific company we work for.

OP posts:
Onthelowdown · 04/06/2022 12:47

I used to ask the question sometimes, wasn’t even a dealbreaker for me, I just think it’s an important detail so you can ask (I wouldn’t want anyone to put their children at risk by mentioning in their profile for my convenience). That said a couple of weeks of talking and no mention does seem intentional and dishonest

Goldencarp · 04/06/2022 12:47

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Eh? What planet do you live on. Why should you expect men to have kids at 28?

I have nephews, nieces and a step child around that age and none of them have children! It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to date men who have kids! It’s a huge thing especially if the relationship were to continue! Taking on a relationship where children are involved is a big thing and it’s completely understandable if someone doesn’t want that. I don’t blame them either!

Mumsnet isn’t a website just for mums either. You’d know that if you’re a regular poster.

mangoontoast · 04/06/2022 12:48

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2022 12:26

I think this is really unfair. Being a good step parent is a big undertaking. If OP doesn’t want that, that’s completely fine. The only dad who won’t impact on your dating is a shit dad who gives his children no time/money/priority.

Show quote history

And beachbreak is exactly the kind of poster to have a go at step mums on here "you knew what you were getting into"

KosherDill · 04/06/2022 12:48

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Wow, what an overreaction.

I don't have kids, am over 50 and have always refused to date men who do. I've met many men who also decline to get involved with women who are parents.

We're all entitled to our own lifestyle choices without being targeted with insults.

Dancefever · 04/06/2022 12:48

On some dating apps you have to put in your profile whether you have children or not (in a general tick box section at the start.)

I think in your age group it should definitely be discussed beforehand.

Electriq · 04/06/2022 12:51

My children are my entire life, so if I was to date, they would be the first part of me I introduced, because if you don't accept them you don't accept me.

Sunnysideup999 · 04/06/2022 12:51

you’re dating HIM not his children ! Also it’s a date- presumably casual drinks or something - you’re not committing to marry him!

KosherDill · 04/06/2022 12:53

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 12:17

When I was dating I did used to put it on my profile as I didn't want to waste time on men for when that was a deal-breaker. But I don't think it's unreasonable just to mention it on a first date. Sometimes as a single parent you want to be judged just as person and not a parent at first.

OP says they messaged quite a bit before the in-person meeting. To me that shows he was actively hiding his status as a parent. How could he accidentally fail to mention he has 50-50 custody of toddlers?

Probably looking for a girlfriend to take on childcare chores.

It's reprehensible to waste her time that way. She could have been using that Saturday to meet a viable prospect.