To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

But what you would or wouldn't ask is irrelevant to OP - she 100% does not want to date fathers - so much so that she is offended when she 'wastes' time on a first date with one.

Given the strength of her views, & the value she places on her time, it's HER responsibility to find out if potential dates have DC.

This is such an annoyingly entitled attitude.

If you have kids, it's on you to disclose it.

Maybe it is a demographic issue but I’m 25 and at least half the people I know and I am friends with have children, quite a few of them (mainly the guys I know) have multiples with different people and around 1/4 of these people are single or at some point have been single with children. The past two years have shown quite a few of my friends getting married also. So at 28 I would absolutely be asking this question! I’m based in Manchester.

I do agree if you’ve been chatting for an extended amount of time and haven’t mentioned your children then it’s lying by omission.

Mid 20s I'd find it unusual nowadays if someone had children. Late 20s I'd think it was a distinct possibility. 30s more so.

Of course he should have told you. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and a big deal, and, quite rightly, where most of his time, attention (and money!) will be directed over the next 18+ years.

Is it not more entitled to expect people to disclose every aspect of their life before just incase you don’t agree. If something is a deal breaker for you whatever it is then make that clear in advance.

In my opinion, though, the onus was on the person with children to disclose it before the date. Especially given they're such young children.

I'm with you OP. I don't want to date a man with kids for various reasons and feel that it's such a huge thing (especially a small child as opposed to a teenager off at uni) that it is incumbent upon the one with children to mention it.

Most sites allow you to tick 'has kids'. I understand people leaving it out of their profiles but certainly they should raise it pre-meeting. Why would they assume everyone is happy to date a parent, and why would they assume it is the default/ neutral, particularly if they haven't ticked the above option? It isn't.

I have found this annoying in the past, it puts you in a position as the OP says, you have to be kind and interested (at least until you finish your drinks/ coffee) when actually you should have been told.

These days I do put 'sorry, I'm not looking to meet anyone with children' on my profile. A few still message anyway but at least mention it straight off, saying 'I have kids but wasn't sure how strict you were about that'. If you can put it on there somewhere, I'd recommend it.

I think you may change your mind if you spend time chatting to men, only for them to lose interest when you tell them you have kids. Dating can be tiring and time consuming, and you'll quickly learn there's no point wasting time when it's not going anywhere.

Having a kid living with you is hardly every aspect or a small detail. It's a very important thing not to mention.

I was child free when I was OLD but if I was doing it now, I might not mention it on my profile but I would definitely mention it to someone I’d been chatting to before meeting them in person for the first time. If nothing else, it saves us both some time of having kids is a deal-breaker (which is perfectly reasonable).

Yes children and their ages are relevant. I only wanted to date people with kids and no younger than teens, so we would be on the same wavelength, similar responsibilities, wouldn't want a child with me.

Yes he should have mentioned it as it’s a huge thing. But given that you understand why he didn’t maybe to save yourself future inconvenience just ask them yourself so as to screen out people before you meet? If you had had kids I’m sure he would have said he did too. Yes it reflects badly on him for not informing you at all but given you know how OLD (& traditional dating too) can be disingenuous - you have the power to shape who you choose to meet up with & who you don’t. Are you afraid of putting that you don’t date pple w/kids because you’re afraid of how that makes you look?? There shouldn’t be any judgement whether you do or don’t but surely if it’s such a deal breaker to you, you’d want to be equally transparent as the people you’re hoping to meet would be?

Maybe ... people could put on THEIR bio

'Not interested in people with kids'...

Then prospective dates know to not even bother.

I wont be advertising I have kids as single mothers are considered prey on OLD

Maybe people with kids should wear special badges or something so that all the kid haters know to avoid them. God forbid you might strike up a friendship with a widow or widower. The next thing you know you'll be changing nappies or paying college fees.

I agree. It's as much about what they don't say. I always assume that when the section of drugs is left off that they most likely take drugs too.

I don't use dating websites myself as I've been happily married for almost 40 years, but my daughter does.

No, and actually if I was only looking for something casual I might never mention it, it's not like they'd ever meet my dc and it would have no bearing on the relationship.

Clearly you're looking for a serious relationship/long term partner, maybe he wasn't 😬

It's something I think should be mentioned before meeting if both parties are looking for a relationship and not just something casual.

So, he didn't say he had children and you didn't say you don't want to date people with children...?

This is such an annoyingly entitled attitude.

If you have kids, it's on you to disclose it.

Well, OP can choose whether she wants to waste even more time getting offended about annoyingly entitled attitudes, OR she can invest 10 seconds in asking a simple question.

Which do you think is the more logical course of action @pixie5121, & most likely to prevent her from more time-wasting & offence?

Yanbu. I wouldn't go on a date with someone if I knew they had children. Definitely something you should be up front about.

That's right Soup, but obviously it's all the man's fault.
Because, according to PP, it's annoyingly entitled not to 'disclose' you have kids, but absolutely sane & logical to spend weeks chatting someone up, then get all snarky & offended because you went on one date with them without asking them if they have kids.

@Ohwowhoho its so interesting how this is different for people. My demographic is a kind of wishy-washy, millennial, moved to London, now leaving London, has a kind of ok/maybe creative job that doesn’t pay very well, actually quite conventional about marriage and kids but reluctant to admit it until they’re 30, “adulting is hard” kind of scene. At 25 kids would have been just unthinkable for all but one couple I know. I wanted kids at that age but it was out of the question for various reasons. Now, I do know couples who have kids but it’s still a bit of a surprise to everyone that they’ve done it.

@KettrickenSmiled lol so if I have herpes it’s someone’s fault they didn’t ask and I don’t need to tell them? Or if you’re trans?! Or if you are going through a messy divorce?

I think if you’re the person who is the ones with an unexpected thing you need to be the one to declare it - I think the question people are discussing is ‘is it unexpected for someone who is about 30 on a dating app to have kids?’ and that’s where there are very different answers which is why we aren’t getting a consensus.

I do think “well you didn’t ask!!!” is usually the defence of someone who knows they’ve done something a bit rum.

How absurd.

Declining to become a parent or step-parent does not equal "kid hater."

Why so triggered by people who choose to spend their time & resources on other things? Methinks it's envy.

This place is fucking wild.

Women who get involved with men with kids are slammed, simply because there are children of a previous relationship involved.

Women who say they wish men disclosed being the father of (very) young children before meeting up are slammed for being entitled/juvenile/‘twats’ according to one triggered poster.

I guess women are just slammed for being women on….Mumsnet. Good-o.