To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

Are you feeling quite well, @eatingapie?

Because you seem to think that being a parent is "an unexpected thing", & are comparing children to herpes & divorce.

Not sure what your trans reference was about. Please don't elucidate, I doubt it;s anything I want to read.

@floralarrangement There is a new dating app called Kindred specifically for child free people.

I’d be seriously irritated if I went on a date with someone and found out about his kids mid date! Especially if he hadn’t mentioned it in a couple of weeks of chatting! Surely he knows this would be a major and non negotiable deal breaker for many women in their 20s without their own kids. He sounds thoughtless and possibly arrogant to boot. If this were me I’d also see the date as a complete waste of my time.

It would be different if you were older - say in your 40s/50s - and more used to the men in your dating pool having kids or even having older kids. So it’s maybe more of a given and not as weird not to mention it.

I have kids and have never been in this situation but totally understand your reaction here.

Someone having kids is a big thing for someone else to take on, so yes he should have disclosed that before meeting.

No the OP didn't ask, but she's 28, single and child free so it probably didn't even register to ask plus she's not coming with any major baggage. He is though, so he should have definitely said!

@floralarrangement I would not be happy if someone failed to mention their young children pre-date. Different situation from yours, in that I'm 50 and my children are adults - but that (to my mind) is all the more reason why I wouldn't date a man with young children. Been there, done that, and other people's young children are of no interest to me other than in passing. That said, I'd probably not date a childless man, either, as he wouldn't 'get' what it's like to love your children more than your partner.

Unfortunately OP this is something you'll learn about alot of men (and women of course) - they lie or they "fail to mention" certain information because they are hoping in some odd way that you'll never find out or when you do find out you'll like them enough that it won't matter.

Thing is if they were just upfront in the first place it probably wouldn't matter as much!

It's nothing to do with anyone until I get to know them.

It is. I do not date people with children so the date would have been a waste of my time.

Why the drama?

You found out about something on a date which means that you won’t date them again, isn’t that the point of dating? He could have mentioned it beforehand, you could have asked him. Neither did.

Presumably this isn’t going to matter in a week or even by the end of the night.

He should definitely have told you.

I’d personally put it on a profile. It’s easy to say you ‘might not mind once you know them’ but children are an enormous part of someone’s life and no matter how much you like someone, it’s not fair to go through actually getting attached to someone before you know that. Not fair on the person with kids either. If you don’t want kids then it is going to be an issue after the honeymoon phase.

The entitlement is off the scale.

Anyone who spends weeks chatting and fails to mention their children is either a complete lunatic, a deadbeat parent, or being purposely deceptive.

It IS entitled to basically trick someone into meeting you by failing to disclose something so huge.

I would have wanted to know when i was 28

It's a big deal

@KettrickenSmiled my point is that for some of us, yes it would be very unexpected to find out someone had kids if they were around 30 and single. Some people do not share this experience as they have a different lifestyle. This is fine. People are just sharing why they would find it unnecessary to ask if someone has kids - which you seem to think is a responsibility of anyone who would prefer not to date someone with kids. Others are explaining why they wouldn’t consider it their responsibility.

your logic is funny to me because it puts the responsibility for finding out anything onto the person who ‘should have asked’. So if I was messaging a man who was trans/married/had herpes and I only found this out at a later date it would be ‘my responsibility to have asked because it is a deal breaker for me’. It seems ridiculous to you with these examples- for some of us not mentioning you have kids is JUST AS ridiculous. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t mean I hate kids but yes, having kids is as much of a deal breaker for me in my life right now as having herpes. I don’t want to date someone who has either.

This is such basic common sense that it astounds me that there are people who would think otherwise.

@KettrickenSmiled also you may note I am ok with patiently explaining things that would be obvious to most people because I work with children all day 💁🏻‍♀️

I'm happily married but I have 4 kids so if I ever end up dating again I'd definitely mention them, they will always be my priority though, not so much so for men. I personally wouldn't mind dating a man with kids but I'd expect to have them mentioned before a date

Anyone who spends weeks chatting and fails to mention their children is either a complete lunatic, a deadbeat parent, or being purposely deceptive.

It IS entitled to basically trick someone into meeting you by failing to disclose something so huge.

And this is SO easily avoided, by taking some responsibility for yourself & asking them if they have DC before you bother meeting them.

Could you be more patronising?

Is it wrong I just read that in the voice of chandler bing 😆 Could you BE more patronising 😋

Huge deal. I would never have dated someone with children.

Why would I?

It should come up in the course of normal conversation. If it doesn't, they're purposely hiding it.

It's really not rocket science.

It's 100% deserved.

A good friend of mine doesn't mention her children in the early stages of dating.
I personally find that a bit odd, and am upfront about it myself, but each to her own.

Because she wouldn't have bothered dating him if she had known he had children, obviously! Not that many 28 years olds are going to be interested in dating people with children.

2 and 4 are so young as well.