Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think you tell someone pre going on a date

642 replies

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:42

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another Grin

OP posts:
RinklyRomaine · 04/06/2022 12:01

Hmm. I'd expect it to come up in messages before the date although I wouldn't be upset it wasn't explicit in a profile.

On the other hand, having such young children is a massive deal - a recent split, a huge part of his life - I think it's dreadful not to mention it. I met DH as a single mum and I did tell him before we met. It wasn't in my profile though because as PP said, it can attract horrible groomy types.

MJ123 · 04/06/2022 12:03

Difficult one!

Like you, I don't date men with kids.

But as that's my decision, I usually ask them in advance of meeting up to give them a chance to confirm it one way or another.

If he'd lied to you, I'd be totally outraged but it not coming up and him telling you on the first date doesn't seem that bad to me?

SatinHeart · 04/06/2022 12:04

Lots of people put that they have children on their profile, that they have a partner and are looking for a polyamorous thing, or that they are purely looking for FWB arrangement. All are things I would be annoyed about if they weren't clear pre meeting

I think if others are finding space to write that they are looking for FWB or whatever, you can find space to write that you are looking for men with no baggage..

You'll still get a few trying their luck that their sparkling personality will make you overlook the issue of their DC, but it should weed out a lot of them.

housemaus · 04/06/2022 12:05

YANBU. When I was last online dating I had a man and a woman both do this despite it literally being in my profile that I didn't want to date someone with children.

The woman didn't tell me til the third date and said "she thought I'd change my mind for the right person"... couldn't comprehend that the right person for me wouldn't have children in the first place. The man just straight up lied about it rather than omitting it then came clean on our date... I've never left anywhere so fast.

Dating someone with children is very different to someone without - timelines often need to be slower, exes are often involved, children's needs and emotional status have to be considered, you're required to get to know and impress multiple people, if you want children of your own there's always going to be a blended family (with potential differences in parenting, money, living conditions, location etc) OR if you don't want children of your own you end up with far more child contact than you'd choose for yourself... it's absolutely not unreasonable not to want that, and it's really weird that people try and hide it.

zafferana · 04/06/2022 12:07

My time is important too, and I wouldn't have spent my saturday morning meeting him if I'd known.

Sounds like 'waste my time' to me, even though you didn't specifically use that phrase.

Babyvenusplant · 04/06/2022 12:07

Mumwantingtogetitright · 04/06/2022 11:59

I'm a bit torn on this one. I wouldn't ever date someone with children either, so like you, I would want to know. However, as long as he told you the first time you met, I don't think he is necessarily being unreasonable if it didn't come up in conversation before that. Any longer than that and it would look distinctly like he was trying to hide it.

I agree with this, he told you on your first meeting which I think it completely reasonable

First date is mainly for getting to know all about someone imo

InFiveMins · 04/06/2022 12:08

I'd want to know too because I wouldn't date them either. You're right, he was hiding it from you on purpose in the hope you'd like him enough on the date to see past it.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 12:09

"But ultimately it is up to the man whether he chooses to divulge information about himself like having children to a complete stranger isn't it."

Does he not have to say if he's married then?

Beachbreak2411 · 04/06/2022 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/06/2022 12:10

I think it should be on a profile tbh, and I say that as someone with a child, who does OLD. My child is the most important part of my life and I wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't want to date someone with a child.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 12:10

"First date is mainly for getting to know all about someone imo"

Hobbies and stuff like that, not basic things like age group and having children or not.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:11

RinklyRomaine · 04/06/2022 12:01

Hmm. I'd expect it to come up in messages before the date although I wouldn't be upset it wasn't explicit in a profile.

On the other hand, having such young children is a massive deal - a recent split, a huge part of his life - I think it's dreadful not to mention it. I met DH as a single mum and I did tell him before we met. It wasn't in my profile though because as PP said, it can attract horrible groomy types.

Yes exactly.

He has 50:50 custody and we've been chatting for a couple of weeks. So I feel like you'd have to actively try and avoid the subject when you're talking about how your day/week has been, especially with such little ones.

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 04/06/2022 12:11

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:55

Ah classic MN, you're already spoiling for a fight!

Please link to where I said "waste my time".

Show quote history

My time is important too, and I wouldn't have spent my saturday morning meeting him if I'd known.

Might not be the exact phrase but clearly means the same thing.

I don’t think either him or you are unreasonable though, maybe he just didn’t realise people would be so put off by kids that you wouldn’t even want a first date. Personally Id like to think I’d mention my kids before going out with someone if I was in that position though! Atleast you only wasted one morning with him.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a stupid comment.
She's 28 and given the average for men to have children she doesn't have to go for a man with children at all, let a lone two toddlers who mean the man will not be very available to her or she will be expected to be a step-mother to.
And newsflash, MN is now a women's website, particularly the talk section. You don't have to be a parent, or a parent to small children.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/06/2022 12:14

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:51

Maybe put on your profile you sent date people with children.

I could do but I use the apps which aren't really set up for that kind of thing, you just write a couple of lines & have witty (mine probably aren't) answers to questions.

So you reckon YOU don't have enough space to specify you only want to date child-free men ... but THEY have plenty of room to specify that they have DC?

You spoke to/messaged this guy prior to the date, & are now bitching about him because he did not tell you he has DC. Has it never occurred to you to ASK this question before agreeing to a date, as it's of such importance to you?

MermaidEyes · 04/06/2022 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a twatty post. At 28, quite frankly, there probably won't be huge amounts of men with kids.

mum2jakie · 04/06/2022 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bit of an extreme reaction!!! The OP is only 28 not 48 and pretty sure she doesn't deserve to be called a twat!

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 04/06/2022 12:16

I find it really odd that you haven't given any indication of children being a dealbreaker, but given it is you haven't asked him whether he has them either.

It's 1 brunch date. You're not exactly invested and can walk away having lost nothing more than a few hours of your life.

How can there be awkwardness at work when neither you, nor the people you know, have heard of him? Presumably you'll still never see him.

BattenburgDonkey · 04/06/2022 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I think you need a cup of tea and a break from the internet. Chill out!

Also you shouldn’t expect men to have kids at 28, not exactly on the old side for having kids is it.

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 12:17

When I was dating I did used to put it on my profile as I didn't want to waste time on men for when that was a deal-breaker. But I don't think it's unreasonable just to mention it on a first date. Sometimes as a single parent you want to be judged just as person and not a parent at first.

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:19

How can there be awkwardness at work when neither you, nor the people you know, have heard of him? Presumably you'll still never see him.

@FrankLampardsBrokenHand

Yes true, but it's always a possibility. I've been on a lot of dates and even the most reasonable appearing of men can get a bit strange when you turn them down.

If we didn't work together I would've had one drink and politely said it was a dealbreaker for me and left. Because we work together I didn't want to be rude so stayed for the whole morning, asked lots of question. I'm just worried it's going to lead to stress however you're right it probably won't.

OP posts:
Orla83 · 04/06/2022 12:19

Advice here seems to be not to put children on a dating profile, for safety and privacy reasons. Seems sensible to me.

Though that is advice given to women more specifically.

cheekyfucker101 · 04/06/2022 12:21

When I start dating I wont be telling men I have kids incase they are looking specifically for a women with kids. My kids are the most precious thing and I will not be advertising them on line.

They will not need a new dad, they have an good one already. If I like the bloke enough then I will tell them. If they are repelled by kids and vanish then good! They will do us all a favour!

Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Beachbreak2411

In the gentlest of ways, I think this is more about you and your experiences with tinder than my thread.

His kids sound lovely. I never called them goblins. I just don't want to date someone with children, for a variety of reasons, even if they were the most amazing family in the world.

I post on MN because (AFAIA) childless women are allowed to post, and I spend a lot of time looking after my nieces so have found it really helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:23

Orla83 · 04/06/2022 12:19

Advice here seems to be not to put children on a dating profile, for safety and privacy reasons. Seems sensible to me.

Though that is advice given to women more specifically.

Yes this is fair, but I still think you should be telling someone pre-meeting up.

Many many men do state it though, and I've been on a lot of dates and it's the first time its happened.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread