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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you tell someone pre going on a date

642 replies

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 11:42

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another Grin

OP posts:
RinklyRomaine · 04/06/2022 12:57

And 50:50 custody of a 2yo! Come on. OP is perfectly reasonable. Couple of weeks of messaging and it didn't come up? It's much less likely to attract predatory women, let's be honest, he didn't mention because it's understandably a dealbreaker for many. The absolute shit women get on the step parenting board for not understanding just what hell they were getting into! Talk about can't win.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 13:00

SaltandPeppasHere · 04/06/2022 12:32

No I don’t put that I have children on my profile, as I don’t want to attract paedophiles and abusers. Yes, unfortunately, it’s a thing. I would generally mention it in a message before meeting, but there have been occasions where I haven’t. If I’m not looking for a long term relationship, then it’s none of their business.

Yes, but OP's date is a straight man so less likely to attract a paedophile (if our stats are correct). I don't believe that's why he didn't put it on his profile. And I don't think the 'forgot' to mention it or thought it wouldn't be an issue either. Everyone knows having very small children is a big deal.

TibetanTerrah · 04/06/2022 13:02

You don't have to put it on your profile, but the decent thing is to mention it, at least in passing, when chatting to the extent that you're planning to meet.

I'm 34 and last year this has happened to me a handful of times, where it had never happened before. I don't want to date a man with kids, but accept that at this point it will seriously restrict my options, so try and be open minded. If they drop it on me on the actual date, they won't get a second. I had one that said "oh by the way I have two boys" as we finished our coffees and then changed the subject. No.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/06/2022 13:03

Guys do it all the time on websites. I put in my bios and the questions that I won’t date guys with kids and I still get them. Just move on to the next one I would.

catpoppet · 04/06/2022 13:04

I agree OP, I think you should be upfront otherwise you're wasting people's time.

Can you put something in your profile - please be upfront if you have kids etc.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/06/2022 13:06

KosherDill · 04/06/2022 12:53

OP says they messaged quite a bit before the in-person meeting. To me that shows he was actively hiding his status as a parent. How could he accidentally fail to mention he has 50-50 custody of toddlers?

Probably looking for a girlfriend to take on childcare chores.

It's reprehensible to waste her time that way. She could have been using that Saturday to meet a viable prospect.

Show quote history

To me that shows she had ample opportunity to find out if he had kids, but failed to ask.

If her time is so valuable that wasting it is reprehensible, I'm puzzled why she invested so much of it on pre-chat, without asking one simple question.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2022 13:09

I've no experience with OLD (married for yonks & old) but I'd say that if one expects someone to put 'I have DC' on a dating profile, then that person is just as obligated to put 'I don't date men/women with children'. Same if you meet 'in person'. If you expect someone to mention they have DC when you first meet, then you should mention that you don't want to date someone with children the second they ask you out. Fair play on both sides. FWIW I wouldn't get involved with men with children, either. But unless I knew the man beforehand or the date was set up by someone who knew him, there were many times I didn't find out about DC until we were on the first date and that was fine.

But honestly, if you had a nice dinner and some good conversation isn't that what a date is about? Being 'pre OLD' the first date was when you normally found out the more 'personal' things about someone. We normally didn't go into a first date with the idea that the person was probably 'the one', it was just to have a nice time & get acquainted. If there was a 'spark', fine. If not, it was (normally) a nice evening and only one night 'wasted' out of our long lives to come.

ShaneTwane · 04/06/2022 13:12

It was the first date. A first date is the one where you decide if your going forward or not. Therefore he is not unreasonable to not bring his kids or anything else up until then.

eatingapie · 04/06/2022 13:12

I’m 32 and it wouldn’t occur to me to ask if someone has kids - because despite what people are saying I don’t actually know any single people my age with kids. As in seriously I can’t think of anyone. I guess it’s a demographic issue as much as anything- but yes I’d expect someone to tell me before a first date, even if not on the profile. It definitely seems sneaky to me not to if you’ve been chatting.

DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 04/06/2022 13:14

IMO it’s normal to ask “do you have any children?” in the pre-meet up phase of OLD. Maybe not early 20s but certainly late 20s/early 30s. Why didn’t you just ask? Did he ask if you have kids?

userhjf67 · 04/06/2022 13:14

Agree with you op but didn't you ask before the date? I always mention I have a lot of children during the first message exchanges without going into to much detail, and I ask if they do.... I wouldn't want to waste my time going to meet someone who wouldn't accept I had children

inmyslippers · 04/06/2022 13:15

Agree I always disclose before I date that I have a child

Rosewaterblossom · 04/06/2022 13:15

On a lot of sites there's the option to tick a box "has kids/doesn't have kids" and also "wants kids/doesn't want kids."

I always look at that on someone's profile because if they've put they they want kids (as in looking for someone to have kids with) then they aren't for me.

If they've put they have kids then that's fine. But it would then depend on the kids ages which I'd find out during the initial messages stage whether I'd want to pursue it further because I wouldn't want to date someone with little kids now mine are teens.

I've learnt over time what I do and don't want, what's a deal breaker etc and I think as long as everyone is upfront from the get go then it's fine. Unfortunately that just doesn't happen and it wastes everyone's time!

eatingapie · 04/06/2022 13:15

@KettrickenSmiled at 28 I genuinely wouldn’t have considered asking if someone had kids because at that point only one person I know had children and they got married at 24. It would not have been remotely on my radar unless someone told me. I think it’s definitely more unusual to be on hinge/tinder at 28 and have kids than not - but that is based on my experience in big cities tbf.

pixie5121 · 04/06/2022 13:16

I think it's unacceptable not to mention them in advance.

I would not be interested in someone deceptive, and not mentioning something as huge as your own children is deceptive to me.

I'd feel annoyed about having my time wasted.

pixie5121 · 04/06/2022 13:18

eatingapie · 04/06/2022 13:12

I’m 32 and it wouldn’t occur to me to ask if someone has kids - because despite what people are saying I don’t actually know any single people my age with kids. As in seriously I can’t think of anyone. I guess it’s a demographic issue as much as anything- but yes I’d expect someone to tell me before a first date, even if not on the profile. It definitely seems sneaky to me not to if you’ve been chatting.

I'm 36, nearly 37, and even at this age the vast majority of single people in London do not have kids. It's the default. I would absolutely expect someone with kids to mention it. It's a dealbreaker for me.

BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 13:19

Tbf im 33 and live in London as well but most people my age I know do have kids.

pixie5121 · 04/06/2022 13:19

DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 04/06/2022 13:14

IMO it’s normal to ask “do you have any children?” in the pre-meet up phase of OLD. Maybe not early 20s but certainly late 20s/early 30s. Why didn’t you just ask? Did he ask if you have kids?

Depends where you live. I have never, ever been asked if I had children. I'm 36 now and still don't get asked, and I've never asked anyone either.

I would expect it to come up in general conversation. If you manage a week of small talk and have kids and don't mention them, you're either being deliberately deceptive or you're such a shit parent you don't see or think about them. Neither is a good look.

TedMullins · 04/06/2022 13:20

cheekyfucker101 · 04/06/2022 12:27

Maybe just ask the question directly before arranging the date? I think your making a bigger deal out of it than it needs.

Most adults over 30 DO have kids. Assume they have kids and ask the question pre date...

Show quote history

Most adults over 30 have kids?! Not in my world… I think this must be location/demographic dependent as that certainly doesn’t ring true for me when I think of my social circle, colleagues, acquaintances.

OP, YANBU. It’s fine for anyone, male or female, to not want to date anyone with kids. It’s a totally different experience to dating someone without them. I agree it should be mentioned prior to meeting up, in conversation if not explicitly stated on their profile, because like you I wouldn’t want to go on a date with anyone with kids as it’s an immediate dealbreaker.

Ohwowhoho · 04/06/2022 13:20

I don’t think it should have to be on the profile but I absolutely do think it’s something that needs mentioning before you meet up.

Momicrone · 04/06/2022 13:21

I wouldn't want to go out with a man who had recently split up from the mother of such young kids

pixie5121 · 04/06/2022 13:21

BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 13:19

Tbf im 33 and live in London as well but most people my age I know do have kids.

Are they professionals? I think the average age for marriage/first baby is higher than that in London.

funinthesun19 · 04/06/2022 13:21

God YANBU at all. Having children is a huge thing, and to save wasting people’s time it’s common courtesy to be upfront about it.

Me personally, I could live with it not being on his profile (even though he’ll have wasted my time.) But I’d expect at the very latest to be told on the first date so I could call it a day before anything even gets going.
Some men conveniently don’t mention that they have children because they know it makes them less desirable. And they can’t cope with that.
And some seem to think that when they eventually drop the bombshell about this “wonderful” part of them, their date/girlfriend will be fine with it. Nah.

TedMullins · 04/06/2022 13:23

DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 04/06/2022 13:14

IMO it’s normal to ask “do you have any children?” in the pre-meet up phase of OLD. Maybe not early 20s but certainly late 20s/early 30s. Why didn’t you just ask? Did he ask if you have kids?

Again, not in my experience. I have never asked or been asked (in dating scenarios or general small talk outside of dating!) and I’ve been on a lot of dates! 99% of the people I dated did not have kids, there was only one who didn’t mention it beforehand and we didn’t see each other again.

Sirzy · 04/06/2022 13:24

I think if it’s a deal breaker for you then you should make it clear in your profile and ask in advance.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect it to be mentioned before meeting someone, only if it was looking like becoming something.

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