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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

305 replies

JustHurt · 04/06/2022 08:26

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

OP posts:
Wobblyjob · 04/06/2022 08:30

Holy shit!
get yourself to a Costa and get a very large coffee. You deserve it.

Dont go back until after lunch. Don’t ring , don’t text.
Can you go and visit someone? Family or a good friend?

dudsville · 04/06/2022 08:31

You did what you needed to. A loving partner steps up the the shared responsibilities of life. Can you draw some cash and get a hotel room and some sleep?

Wobblyjob · 04/06/2022 08:32

If not, don’t worry, we are here. We’ll stay with you x

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 04/06/2022 08:32

Agree, don't rush back. Take as much time as you can so that when you go back you are fully calm and really to deal with your twat of a husband. He sounds like a complete knob, hopefully this will be a wake up call for him but if it's not then you can start making plans to split.

Flatandhappy · 04/06/2022 08:33

I’m sorry it has got to this point but for what it is worth I think you have done the right thing. I just don’t get how some men think that they get to choose exactly which parts of parenting they are prepared to do and that the other parent has to do everything else. You need to have a conversation about how you are both going to share parenting going forward but for now I would go get a coffee and take some time out. Please don’t let him guilt you when you get home by the way.

Allinadayswork80 · 04/06/2022 08:33

You poor love 💗 Sorry but your husband is a lazy bastard and you should maybe do this more often! Sounds like things need to change big time in your household, he can’t just dip in for the good fun stuff and check out for the difficult bits that’s not how it works! You need to have a proper calm frank sit down discussion and explain that the household dynamics do not work. He needs to pull his weight, else you might as well be a single parent! Maybe arrange for the kids to go elsewhere for a few hours and have this discussion. You cannot carry in like this. Wishing you all the best my love xxx

BeeYellowMumma · 04/06/2022 08:33

Just want to give you a virtual hug.

It sounds really hard, and that you really need this outlet, and that's fine.

Not sure what else to say, but didn't want to ignore this post.

Hopefully this gets him to realise this isn't okay, and nor are you. There's been times where I've felt so frustrated that I leave the situation as I just can't cope anymore, have some me time and then come back when I feel a bit calmer and ready. Definitely need to have a good chat with your partner, explain how you're feeling, why and what is needed to support you.

DogsAndGin · 04/06/2022 08:33

Good for you! Your H sounds like a lazy sod

LittleBearPad · 04/06/2022 08:33

Go somewhere and get yourself some breakfast and gather your thoughts.

Good for you - he sounds very lazy

MrsDThomas · 04/06/2022 08:34

Where’s the layby as I could join you.

my kids are older (20/17/14). Its been a right boring week. DH is a boring bugger. Im bored. Kids do their own thing.

dont go back for hours. Go shopping, mooch, have lunch

420Bruh · 04/06/2022 08:34

Don't go back.

FAQs · 04/06/2022 08:35

Go to a drive in and buy a lovely big breakfast, well done!!

Is there a nice park/beach or somewhere you can go. Take the day away for yourself.

Sirzy · 04/06/2022 08:36

Take yourself off for a morning doing something for you, go and get breakfast and sit and read or something.

Then when you feel suitably rested go home and and remind your husband that he is also the father of the children and he needs to start pulling his weight and providing you with the emotional support you need. If he can’t do that then I would be questioning the future of the relationship

NeededAction · 04/06/2022 08:36

Blimey that sounds stressful!!

the littles will be fine OP. Father needs to erm… father them.

please focus on you this morning. I’d second a coffee / nice drink and a walk (in a wood, or along the coast by the sea would be my favourite)

a couple of hours out to reflect and recompose yourself will do you a lot of good I think

sending good vibes your way

AbsoluteYawns · 04/06/2022 08:36

You poor thing! Your 'D' H has to step up and parent his children. Let alone support you! I agree with PPs.

Go have a warm drink and something to eat and don't go back for a while. Perhaps it's the only way to show him what it's like.

He was so extremely rude to say what he said to you and should apologise profusely just for that alone!

Wishing you well OP.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 04/06/2022 08:36

Love it! Set damn boundaries get your partner to realise what a useless dad and husband he is being!! Take the whole day girl. Get your hair done get a massage go Starbucks get your nails done make the most of it!! Don’t message don’t call the kids will be fine and tell him your doing this once a week and you need him on board or else!!! Don’t let him make you feel bad be real firm you need him. Gwan girl!!

ElenaSt · 04/06/2022 08:37

How awful for you. I think you've done the right thing as you've had enough and by doing so have forced him to look after your children.

Upon your return I would tell him that you are close to breaking point because he refused to help in raising his children and unless he starts participating fairly your next step will be a holiday away as you need a break or if he point blank refuses then to separate and he will have to look after his children when they visit him.

Figgygal · 04/06/2022 08:38

With that comment he made sounds like the type to use this against you rather than review his own behaviour.
Why is he allowed to just sit downstairs away from all of that? If he was tidying or doing something constructive fair enough division of labour and all that but to watch tv er no.
As for the "his car" comment ........

ShirleyPhallus · 04/06/2022 08:38

Good for you. Don’t crumble and go back yet.

something2say · 04/06/2022 08:39

How are you feeling now op?

MagicTurtle · 04/06/2022 08:39

I just don't understand how your DH can treat you this way when he supposedly loves you Sad why on earth can't he do just a little bit to make your life easier?

mummsnetty · 04/06/2022 08:39

This needs to be the starting point for change so you don't have to reach this point of desperation again. He needs to step up and share more of the parenting duties. Otherwise it will be back ti normal until this happens again and again and again.

Well done though for stepping out.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/06/2022 08:41

What does he actually say when you tell him he needs to do his share? I can't think of anything anyone can say that justifies it even in their head. Unless you're a SAHP and he thinks your job is everything at home, even when he is there? In which case I'd suggest working and splitting it 50 50.

But either way I think I'd be spelling out that if things don't change then you would be leaving and the default would be 50 50 so he will have the kids on his own a hell of a lot more than he does now

MagicTurtle · 04/06/2022 08:41

Can you go out for a nice breakfast OP? I think you deserve it!

JustTheOneSwan · 04/06/2022 08:42

Can you turn off your phone?
Drive through is a great idea, especially if you haven't got ready. Get coffee and food and find somewhere nice to park so you can sit quiet.