Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

If he takes the 'you can't cope' angle - go with it!

'You are right. I can't carry on like this. We need to talk about sharing the parenting of our children much more...'

(He can have one weekend morning in bed - you can have the other to use as you wish etc. )

Hope you're OK @JustHurt

Hope everything is ok@JustHurt and your are getting this sorted xx

not quite but not too far off. I presume we’ll be back to that by tomorrow.
I missed the kids so much. I went back at 1 ish when little one is normally napping. I got told I ruined nap time and kiddo would have gone to sleep better without me there. Husband Managed to potty little one for the first time and cook them all a meal. He’s acting like it was so easy. I AM going to arrange a weekly morning off.

Sometimes you need to mean business or you will completely crack.

If it's so easy, he should have no trouble stepping up, right? Definitely arrange a couple of mornings off a week, an evening a week out and some free-time at weekends. It's time to set your boundaries (and potentially save your marriage if he can be brought to realise what an arse he's been).

Divorce him. No discussion.

Eugh. He sounds like a delight. He's happy to be turfed out of bed earlier more often then?

Oh he's the gift that keeps on giving.

Good. Take a night off a week too. Night class gym or anything.

i would stay somewhere else for a night and return mid morning the day after with a blank Monday to Sunday calendar. Ask him to choose which breakfasts/drop offs/pick ups/dinners/bed times he will do. You need 100% parity in the tasks you take on. Say that you could ask him to do it all for 4 years (during which you are willing to be mummy hero/casual book reader) but as a limited time offer you are willing to share your parenting EQUALLY as it should have always been. Also make sure you block out both of your relaxation time and make sure it is equal down to the minute
now you, OP, MUST police this. You need to keep score in a diary for all to see. You have to be disciplined yourself because to be honest you are part of the problem- you have allowed this inexcusable state of affairs to persist and you must avoid slipping back into this ridiculous situation.
get a Monday-Sun calendar NOW.

My last post doesn’t make much sense. I was supposed to quote a poster saying something like I bet she’s home now doing everything for him again.

I AM going to arrange a weekly morning off.

Good for you @JustHurt !

Use this thread for support, and when you get gaslighted by your husband "Oh why do you need to leeeeeeeave us?" re-read this thread - both for the facts about your husband's lack of pitching in to parenting his children and for the support from all of us!

Of course it was easy-it's the weekend, he had literally all day to faff if necessary.

Presumably he was making a meal for himself anyway so a bit extra for a couple of young kids is hardly taxing!

Well if it was so easy he'll find bedtime for two a doddle, won't he?

He honestly sounds vile! Get rid of the useless idiot!!

He referred to one of the children as "your kid" but the car as "his"!

It isn't that he can't see or doesn't understand parenting can be stressful, he knows, it's why he does so little of it but if he were to acknowledge your stress the he would have to step up to avoid looking like an arsehole. If he frames it as a problem with you being deficient in some way then he gets to carry on doing virtually fuck all.

Before I even got to your last post I knew you would get home to find him making out it was easy. It's such a predictable move for a lazy, manipulative arse. Anyway now he's declared parenting is easy I would take a whole day a week to myself just so that he can fully appreciate what 7pm feels like when you have parented alone all day. I'd revel in seeing how many days his pride forces him to maintain the pretence.

^Spot on.
OP can't change him. She can rid herself of the burden of him and the stress and resentment he inspires. OP, doing it solo is challenging but it's also so much easier in many ways as outlined above.

Glad you walked out and grabbed a few hours respite, sad you returned before the evening! You need to use this as a starting point for a discussion on sharing parental responsibility. You need time off, time for yourself, time to recharge your batteries. You need a regular minimum half a day a week, full day once a month, and weekend once every two months. He can have the same. Split bedtimes, split cooking etc. He's not an invalid but acts like one. Just as the Prime Minister couldn't recall his child's favourite book, I bet your husband can't either! Time to learn, daddy.

That was me. I’m glad to hear you took some time for yourself and plan to do so regularly. I think your husband is a massive prick though. Watching you crumble under the weight of your load and essentially mocking you for it is inhumane.

Great - really stick to it and make sure your mornings off are enjoyable. Xxx

I just replied yesterday to a poster whose husband she said drinks too much.
My mum did everything in regards to the house— cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids, errands —absolutely everything. And, she was a full-time educator on top of all that. When we were old enough, we kids pitched in.
After work, my dad would come home and drink & watch tv until he went to bed.
I never remember my mum complaining even once — she just did it. Looking back, I feel so bad for her — and I’m disappointed in her.
Then, at around 65, my dad stopped drinking & smoking. He still didn’t help her, though.
I don’t know if your husband drinks or smokes, BUT:
You can put your foot down now and give your husband an ultimatum and clear consequences or you can be another version of my mum.

Don’t be a mug. Why take one morning off? Those are his children. Parenting should be 50/50, not 5/95!

Stay strong, OP. As he found this morning 'easy' he'll have no trouble looking after his children while you have a break. If he found it to be too hard, he should realise why you actually need time for yourself.

Don't feel bad for needing to get out the house. You did exactly the right thing. He knows to learn that parenting is 50/50 and stop being useless. Don't belive his crap when he tries telling you how he is now a no1 dad for looking after his own kids for a few hours.

Needs**

I find this so depressing. Women put up with so much shit behaviour, treated as second class citizens and lackeys. You see it on here daily, lazy shite disney dad's sitting on their arses day after day doing fuck all and being manipulative arseholes when challenged. I'm not saying it's every bloke, obviously not. It's just depressingly common. I hope your situation improves OP, I really do.