Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

He will try and turn this on you, but it’s not at all. It truly takes a village to raise children, and he’s an absolute CF to laze around whilst you’re working your ass off 24/7.

Have a breakfast and coffee, where is your nearest National Trust/RHS garden etc? Head there and have a wonderful day to yourself, before heading back just after DCs bedtime. If they’re in say hello, make a cup of tea/open a bottle and put a film on. Remind the children to shout you up when it’s story time 😉Also be prepared for the fact he might have been so incompetent at parenting/continuing the Disney dad lie, that he’s taken them overnight to his parents/other family etc. As such, you’re on strict MN orders to not panic and have a solid nights sleep with a relaxing lie in.

Going forwards you need to make explicitly clear you both do different jobs 9-5 (or whatever his work hours are) but that once he’s finished, childcare is split 50:50. How would he like that to look? Would he prefer mornings or bedtimes? At weekends would he like his lie-in on Saturday or Sunday? This is literally the bare basics for a father.

All the best. 💐

Get something to eat and drink and take yourself off somewhere or go and see friend.

When you feel ready go home and tell him how it is going to be if he wants to keep the family together.

Men (and women) like this do nothing and then exoect a relationship with their children when they are older.

Take some time for yourself, and if he's arsey when you get back I think you need to say 'I'm sorry but I'm at the end of my tether and I didn't know how else to get through to you or to get some time to myself' then have a conversation where you spell out how much you're doing and that you need him to get involved.

DH wasn't great with this stuff when ours were tiny and I do wish I'd been more assertive at the time; luckily they were fairly easy babies/toddlers and it wasn't as frazzling as it sounds like for you. I realised, far too late, that when they were little I should have told him that he needed to get home from work and ask what I needed from him and then do it.

Try and find a regular activity in the evening maybe, where he'll have to take charge? I joined a choir, and also for a while I did a yoga class - I found yoga good when you have small kids and it feels like reclaiming yourself and your body for an hour or two.

Don't t go home until after lunch.

Hey OP, are you OK?
Good for you though on taking a stand and removing yourself from the situation. Your children’s DF needs to parent and by making that comment to you this morning is a classic deflection technique. What a dick.
If I was you I would go and buy a magazine and take myself to a local Starbucks or Costa and get a lovely coffee and a pastry!
Go easy on yourself and re-read all these comments from people who are on your side.
Big hugs x

No this kind of man makes the OP‘s life hell after divorce, dragging her through court, setting up arrangements not turning up. Wanting Christmas and birthday with the kids not giving a fuck about them the other weekends. Swapping last minute so she can never make plans of her own.

Expecting her to pack clothes to send for the children and probably food as well and then do the laundry that he drops back with the kids.

it is far easier for your mental health to live with them then without them.

i’ve had 10 years of the above and honestly I just wish I’d stayed until the little one was older.

Get your arse back there?

She's left her children with their other parent!
It's about time he learnt how to actually parent!

I hope you're taking some time out OP

Hard agree with most of the posters above. Use this time to collect your thoughts. Don’t go back until you feel the calm settle, so a good 3 hours. Find somewhere for breakfast and eat it slowly. Buy a book and read a few chapters.

focus on the facts. You’re an excellent mother who provides round the clock care to your DC. Don’t let him turn this back on you. If he is anything like my ‘D’P, the narrative will be that you lost your shit and walked out, and he is the hero dad that saved the day. This isn’t true.

speaking as someone who was/is in a very similar situation but with 1 DC, nothing will change and the narrative he provides to the external world will make you feel gaslit forever unless you have a good solid grounding in the real truth. Once your eldest gets close to 6 and is less demanding in a physical needs kind of way, your DP will probably miraculously start wanting to do cool stuff with them and take all the glory.

can you leave? Your life will be infinitely better.

Agree with this!
He will focus on your behaviour and call you unstable for leaving.

Fully functioning adult is able to be a competent parent, what makes you think that's not possible?

Have a nice lunch out or something.

the kids will be fine. You need a break and it’s for the best you take it.

If they weren’t together, he would get some custody of them and the OP would have no choice in the decision.

The OP HAS to learn to hand over the reins and better she does it on her own terms now. Do not go back OP.

You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else.
A day away will be a tonic for your stress IF you can find a friend to be with or find some way to take your mind off the home situation today. I’d recommend the cinema. No phones. Get absorbed in the film. And when it’s over go see another one!

These men do exactly what they want, regardless. Staying married in an effort to control him will never work, he won't change and will have affairs before long so this "woman" dripping poison in his ear according to you will appear anyway. In the meantime OP struggles on and wrecks her own MH and future, when she could ditch this loser, claim CM and divorce settlement, and find someone who actually lives and respects her.

We've all been pushed to the brink by the relentlessness of parenting. Have a coffee, have some breakfast and take as long as you need. Your children will be fine with their dad and I imagine (and hope) he'll be very sheepish when you get home and has time to realise just how bad ass us mums are x

Unfortunately, I have one like this. You have to attempt to draw a line in the sand now otherwise this will continue for years.

I'm ten years ahead of you, still doing all of the tough stuff while he gets the hump and turns it around on me if I dare to complain.

It's got to the point now where we have a real 'them and us' decide in the family. Me and the kids and then him tagging along when he feels like it. The kids are starting to see him for who he really is and his relationship with one of our kids is already damaged. My kid has learnt that he can't really rely on his Dad.

So, I've learnt to get on with my life with the kids, doing the grunt work but knowing that my kids will remember me being there and being dependable always.

Right now, in your position, I would go and get breakfast and then head to the cinema to really switch off. I wouldn't go back home until long after bedtime. It'll be a huge wake up call for him. Then, do not let him convince you that you're a bad Mum because I suspect he will play the 'poor me' act when you get home.

It’s time to leave this thread @Nothappyatwork
Your posts are dreadful.
The OP has taken the first step to try change her life for the better.
She shouldn’t have to “get her arse back there”
Im sorry your post divorce life didn’t work out the way you’d hoped… but ask most women who divorced men like this and they’re 1000x happier without the useless man child.

He Will use it against her that’s the problem.

she’s finally snapped after years of his crappy behaviour and this will be the one time that he’s got anything to Winge about and he’ll document it. Alongside with how she nearly punched a kid.

so when it’s read out by somebody else it’ll be she nearly hit a child and then she stormed off and abandoned them.

I honestly couldn’t tell you how but in translation it gets completely ignored that she’s left them with the other parent that’s just what happens.

Well done OP! Please stay out all day and teach him a lesson

Been an hour since your post OP, so I hope you're enjoying a fat coffee and something nice to eat. I hope your partner steps up after this. Let's hope he will. My DH is great with stuff now, but at times it's been a struggle. You have 2 young children and it's bloody hard. If he is apologetic and eager to fix this, make sure you don't brush it off. Put in realistic expectations for the future from today.

Good luck!

This. Well done! He's an adult. You told him you were going out. He needs to get his big boy pants on. You need to have a nice brunch out somewhere lovely . Don't go home now. Give it time so he can appreciate what it's really like

I would speak to a solicitor and discuss how things would pan out (financially etc) if you separated.
I know this sounds drastic but knowing you have another option which does not involve being chained to this selfish twat would completely change your perspective on him and on your future. And on how you deal with him.

Yeah have a little read of the poverty threads and how the children get no support and the mother gets no support and then come back to me and let me know how wonderful post life is after a divorce some of you live in cloud cuckoo land.

Does this manboy work?
the only reason I ask is because when my kids were little I didn’t work, my partner did and he worked long hours, so inevitably I did the majority of the childcare related activities.
even so it’s a partners job to recognise when their loved one is stressed/needing help and he failed miserably in this case.
if he’s still in bed after they’re woken up and he’s around for bedtime too then it doesn’t sound like he’s working long enough hours to impede on his ability to take on a more equal share of the child care duties. He’s a lazy twat basically

OMG !
Shocked that he said “nearly punched YOUR kid “and “not in MY car” - really sums him up?

HUGE well done on being brave enough to go. Please wait a while before going back - but most importantly, do NOT allow him to make you feel bad or guilty for doing it.
If possible, stay away all day. I agree with PP idea that if you only have one car can you take it back close to home and phone a taxi to take you to a friend or family person to spend time with today? (Then at least he can’t complain he has no transport- keeps you on the moral high ground). Do you have so,some to talk to in real life?

Please keep posting on here for support - you have absolutely done the right thing.
Remember the thing from the airplane- put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
You don’t say what kind of a husband he is /was before the kids… but he is obviously a shit dad. Looking good in public on days out just doesn’t cut it!

Too many other factors (that we don’t know about) are important so I’m not going to advise LTB at this point - but you know yourself that a serious talk is needed re:childcare support. Otherwise you may as well be a single parent already

Stay strong 💪
and again well done for looking after YOU, xx

@Nothappyatwork stop talking nonsense! The OP is allowed to lea e children for a day it's not fucking abandoning!