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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

305 replies

JustHurt · 04/06/2022 08:26

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

OP posts:
PuffinMcStuffin · 04/06/2022 09:00

Get a coffee and have a long hard think about whether you want to be with this man.

GrumpyDullard · 04/06/2022 09:01

Good for you. Have a nice day.

Benjispruce4 · 04/06/2022 09:03

Out of frustration @Sux2buthen that he’s got this far and got away with this behaviour! Pull him up the first time and start as you mean to go on.

GroggyLegs · 04/06/2022 09:04

Your children have two parents.
You've left them safe in the care of a perfectly capable human being - so no need to feel any guilt there.
You left to get some space for the sake of your own MH - again, this was a sensible thing to do.

Don't let him flip the narrative on any of the above.

He sounds awful. I'm amazed you've managed to put up with years of this lazy, self-centred bullshit.

WizardOfAus · 04/06/2022 09:04

Good luck with the divorce when it inevitably comes.

ohmygloshes · 04/06/2022 09:05

Exactly @Sux2buthen. Have a nice coffee and a good breakfast. Take a little time to pause. Don't rush back. He used you're stress and demonstration of frustration against you and I agree unfortunately that he will try to use this against you too. This will only work if don't stay strong. You are allowed to leave the house with notice to get a break. He is (should be) able to deal with his own children for the day. You are doing nothing wrong, you are caring for yourself because he is not helping and neglecting you. Do not let him say anything else.

Also, you should do this every week until you feel more rested.

Sirzy · 04/06/2022 09:06

Benjispruce4 · 04/06/2022 09:03

Out of frustration @Sux2buthen that he’s got this far and got away with this behaviour! Pull him up the first time and start as you mean to go on.

Which is easy to say in hindsight. But in reality these situations often build over time, then become routine and it takes reaching breaking point for changes to be made. Whether that is him making changes or her walking away depends how he responds now.

you can’t change what has happened but you can change what happens going forward

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 04/06/2022 09:07

Well done for taking a stand. I remember when my two were that age, very close in age. Being sleep deprived, tantrums, screaming etc. I used to lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes or go outside for a few minutes to escape to try and get a bit of peace! The difference is my DH was very hands on despite working full time rotational shifts.
How dare your H try and guilt trip you this morning accusing you of nearly punching your child, he is to blame for a lot of it.
Maybe you should go out more often and leave him to it, he sounds useless. When you go back home, don't let him guilt trip you again, he sounds quite manipulative.
And as mumsnetters say often, if you did split up, he would have to look after his own children then.
Also, do you not have your own car, does he not let you use the car often.
You sound like a wonderful mother.

AngelinaFangelina · 04/06/2022 09:08

I'm raging on your behalf. What an absolute shit.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship OP? Do you even want to be in it anymore? You sound like an employee rather than a partner. At least if he was Disney Dadding on his own you would get actual time off.
Please don't rush back feeling guilty. All he has to do is look after his own children. I can predict exactly what he is going to say and behave like on your return sadly, and all I will say is don't you dare feel bad. You need to have a good think about your future and what you want it to look like. Good luck OP.

Dontjudgeme101 · 04/06/2022 09:08

I hope that you are ok Op? l hope that you have someone in rl to talk too. 💐💐💐

NeededAction · 04/06/2022 09:08

Hope you’re okay OP

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2022 09:09

How awful for you. I also think staying away and overnight if you are able would be good. To clear your head and so he can see what it is to parent your dcs.

PupInAPram · 04/06/2022 09:10

Stay away for at least 12 hours. He needs to fully understand what it feels like to be in charge of two little ones with no support. This might give him a tiny insight! I have never tapped the YANBU bar repeatedly, but I so wanted to vote this a million times over.

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:10

You’re going to need to train him basically of course you shouldn’t have to but this is where you are now. Do not leave him because however horrendous you think he is now he will be worse when he’s been set free into the wild and has another woman in his ear telling him that he doesn’t have to do this, he doesn’t have to do that and he doesn’t have to pay for this and you’re a bitch etc etc. You’ll basically being exactly the same situation you are now only you won’t have his money and you potentially won’t have the house that you’re in at the moment.

Wait until the kids are older.

Dont have baby 3 with him

Testina · 04/06/2022 09:11

Take your much needed break.
But - brace yourself.
There’s a small chance they’ll give him the run around and he’ll lie that they didn’t.
But there’s actually a much bigger chance that they’ll behave wonderfully from the novelty, leaving him to tell you you’re making a big deal of nothing.
Don’t go back thinking this will have shown him the reality.
Even on the smallest change they’ve been difficult AND he’s honest about that, it’s easier as a one off.

So take the day off, get some rest - but be ready for more crap from him.

Mummyof287 · 04/06/2022 09:11

You are not being unreasonable at all! My DH is luckily nothing like that but I've done the same either after an argument or when I feel he needs abit of a wake up call and a 'thrown in at the deep end approach to see what i have to deal with' after not pulling his weight enough, as most men do from time to time.

When you do go back though, make sure you discuss all the issues (if not then, then later on in the day) you need to put your foot down about him doing more and you doing less, for the sake of you and for your little ones.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 04/06/2022 09:11

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:10

You’re going to need to train him basically of course you shouldn’t have to but this is where you are now. Do not leave him because however horrendous you think he is now he will be worse when he’s been set free into the wild and has another woman in his ear telling him that he doesn’t have to do this, he doesn’t have to do that and he doesn’t have to pay for this and you’re a bitch etc etc. You’ll basically being exactly the same situation you are now only you won’t have his money and you potentially won’t have the house that you’re in at the moment.

Wait until the kids are older.

Dont have baby 3 with him

This is the shittest advice ever.

Divorce this lazy, useless Disney dad prick and enjoy life without him.

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:12

And I wouldn’t stay away for 12 hours or overnight because yes you have left them with the alternative parent but you haven’t left them with somebody who is competent, he’ll be resentful, the children will suffer. Have a breakfast or a coffee but get your arse back there.

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:13

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 04/06/2022 09:11

This is the shittest advice ever.

Divorce this lazy, useless Disney dad prick and enjoy life without him.

Show quote history

Been there got the T-shirt love.
she’s already a single parent he won’t do anything differently once he’s off the leash and things will get worse for her. She won’t enjoy her life.

He will though.

ladydoris · 04/06/2022 09:15

Oh my, I cried. Big hugs to you.

SapphosRock · 04/06/2022 09:15

Good for you.

Agree with the previous poster that they will probably behave beautifully for Daddy.

Take some time this morning then think about how things need to change and tell your DH how things are going to be from now on. You need at least one lie in at the weekends, you need 2 or 3 evenings to yourself. Go out, meet a friend, go to the gym, let him do bedtime.

Good luck.

WizardOfAus · 04/06/2022 09:16

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:10

You’re going to need to train him basically of course you shouldn’t have to but this is where you are now. Do not leave him because however horrendous you think he is now he will be worse when he’s been set free into the wild and has another woman in his ear telling him that he doesn’t have to do this, he doesn’t have to do that and he doesn’t have to pay for this and you’re a bitch etc etc. You’ll basically being exactly the same situation you are now only you won’t have his money and you potentially won’t have the house that you’re in at the moment.

Wait until the kids are older.

Dont have baby 3 with him

You're suggesting OP stay with this idiot for the next decade?!?!
By that time her mental health will be ruined.
He's a disney dad.
The type of man who won't bother with the kids once divorced, except for the odd fun day out.
OP could live a life of peace without this fool.

cptartapp · 04/06/2022 09:16

Tell him later he's just had a taste of what he'll have to cope with alone, 24/7 half of every week going forward if you split because of his attitude.
'Not in my car?' should tell you everything you need to know about his perception of your relationship.

ChocolateHippo · 04/06/2022 09:17

Do you have money with you?

Make a day of it and don't go back until after bedtime. Any friends you can call and spend your 'day off' with?

There are two types of people in life... those who pull their weight and those who don't.

The only way to stand up to the latter group unfortunately is to be crystal-clear that you're not putting up with their shit and they will suffer every time they try to pull a fast one.

Think about how you can put this into action with your H. For example, if you do the getting ready for nursery, get up and leave for work early. He'll have no choice but to get them ready if he wants to go to work himself.

Whooshaagh · 04/06/2022 09:18

Nothappyatwork · 04/06/2022 09:12

And I wouldn’t stay away for 12 hours or overnight because yes you have left them with the alternative parent but you haven’t left them with somebody who is competent, he’ll be resentful, the children will suffer. Have a breakfast or a coffee but get your arse back there.

Your advice is awful.
Most parents have no training when they first have dc but are perfectly competent so I’m sure op’s dh can cope. He’ll have to when he’s single.

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