Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

That sounds awful ❤️
Do you have friends or relatives who you can go to or would be supportive?
He does sound like the sort of guy who will make you out to be in the wrong over all this. And you probably have so much going through your mind right now - are you feeling guilty and wanting to contact home yourself?
You are going to need to be strong and be assertive and say that you need more help and that he needs to step up and be a father.
Don’t cave now - go and treat yourself for a few hours. You deserve it. Here for you. 💐

I’m saying time it well.

Eh? Long relationship here and I think she should divorce him.
perfomance parenting when others can see him. Op he wants a 50’s doormat. I promise your life will be better if he’s gone. There is nothing to stay for. Have a coffee and a breakfast then get your phone out and Bon a hotel night away for ine night or two. Do it for tonight or next weekend but book it and tell him you’re going. That you can’t go in being a single parent and you need to think about divorce.
tell you friends what you are going through it’s bit your secret or shame to keep it’s his

@Nothappyatwork "time it week" that's when you're so deeply unhappy that you act out of character!

If she wants to leave, that's timing it well!

P.a. You sound an amazing mum

*P.S.

He still parents badly but the impact is less because they’re older. My little one was two when i gave up. If I have held off until he got to school, my life would’ve been a lot better.

He's a total twat. Serious discussion about sharing bedtimes and mornings properly or I would ltb. Hell have to parent then.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing! Enjoy that coffee… find a quiet corner and ignore the phone.

I was married to someone like this. He went to work in the day, came home 5-ish, spent 30 minutes with us then off to the gym/cycling/running. “Put my dinner on a plate, will you?”

I worked 12hr night shifts. Just two a week as I was up with DS from 6/7 am every day. I had never been so exhausted. We’re divorced now. I wondered how I’d manage when he left me and DS (4) for the receptionist at the BMW garage. I “managed” just fine 😂

DS now 21.

Seriously, sort this man child out. Not acceptable.

Look up studio or 1 bedroom apartments for rent in your area and send him the links. He needs to fuck off out of your lives entirely. I doubt he’d notice.

Good for you OP.

Stay out a while. Don't call or text.

Be interesting to see what the narrative is when you get home whether it’s oh dear I’ve pushed you to the brink, sorry you feel so rubbish or whether it’s psycho mummy fucked off and left us because she clearly can’t cope what a terrible mum.

That will give you a good indication as to what your divorce will be like and whether it’s more trouble that it’s worth right now.

Sending strength to you OP.

I know that having no partner at all is miles better than having one who is completely checked out.

Please try and communicate to your partner that what he is doing is destroying any possibility of a functional and healthy family.

If he doesn’t listen then you need to try and put you and your DC first for them and you.

His behaviour sounds unacceptable.

@Nothappyatwork so again why are you saying the DH needs training? Why couldn't you train the man you married, another adult?

You’ve done the right thing, I hope you’re ok

I would bet my house that OP's husband is not having "a wake up call" and finding out what an intensive and relentless task parenting small children is like. He will have found someone else to do the grunt work - his mother, or a sister, or a friend's wife. Anyone who can take the onus of having to interact with his children will probably do. (I do know a couple of dads like this, although the majority of the ones I know are decent and pull their parenting weight. It makes the rubbish ones who drive their kids to someone else's house for them to look after stand out.)

I agree with PPs who say this delightful prince among men will be looking for ways to turn this to his advantage, as there is not a snowflake's chance in hell he will see the error of his ways and resolve to change and parent more. (Hell, he doesn't even appear to take part in story time at bedtime, just lingers in the doorway!)

I've no idea what the answer is for OP but I would be wanting to get rid so a solicitor appointment would be my next move.

I did for as long as I needed to and in retrospect looking back I should’ve just kept it going a bit longer until the two-year-old was at school but yes I did train him to do exactly what I wanted him to do whilst we were married.
The minute we were no longer married it went pear-shaped because some other woman trained him to do exactly what she wanted him to do at my children’s expense and that’s how it works. Men like this and there are thousands of them out there are only interested in doing what they need to do to get their Leg over with the person they are currently fucking so in my case he needed to be a reasonable father in order to sleep with me now I don’t want him to sleep with me he has to do whatever it is that she wants him to do in order for him to sleep with her and that’s how it works.

if I told my current boyfriend that I wanted him to put me before his children I’m 99% sure he would.

I agree with the posters saying stay out and take some very well earned time off. You have left them with a parent - with parental responsibility - same as you have. I don't think you should plan to see a solicitor about a divorce at this point though.

DH was a little like this when the DDs were younger. I think it was from a place of fear. What if something went wrong on his watch? He also worked away half the time (fully away for a few weeks at a time, then home for the same) so I was the constant parent and made most day to day decisions, and the all of the work those weeks. It was easier for him to stand back.

He'd always do what I asked. If there was a poonami or sickly child in the night we'd call it a 2-hander and both get up - one to shower the DD while the other sorted the bedding. Or if I'd been up all night week with a teething child I'd hand over as the sun came up and go to bed. But the rest of the time I was left to it.

I wanted to take a course, involving 3 weekends in London over a year. DH got huffy, then suggested I get my parents up to do childcare rather than him 'babysit'. I had what we will call a 'conversation at volume' and yelled at him for about half an hour that he CANNOT babysit his own children, it's called parenting. That it's not fair that he gets more leisure time than I do. That I can do what I fucking want with my own money and he can FOTTFSOF etc. then I stormed off and didn't come home for a few hours, leaving him to parent his own children. Things started getting better, with a few reminders (at volume) and the co-parenting became the habit.

Maybe this will be a wake up call. That you are not some kind of accessory to his life that does <insert tasks left to you - in full, including built-in-nanny> so his life is easier and smoother. This might be the point you assert boundaries and change things for the better and he steps up as a partner in this relationship.

@Nothappyatwork maybe time to leave the thread for people to support the OP? Maybe start your own? You think staying with someone who is emotionally abusive is better for her and the kids? Teaching them this is what to expect In a relationship and in a partner in future?

OP, my DH was a bit like this to begin with. What helped was, even from when our DC was a small breastfed baby, walking out and leaving them to it. After I snapped one morning when DC was around 6 weeks after doing it practically alone up till then (DH was working long hours at work and getting back at 2/3am, every night), I just walked out on Saturday morning, texted "bottle of expressed milk in the fridge" and went out for breakfast and read my book. DH managed to survive the morning with baby DC, surprise, surprise!, and brought him along to the cafe I was in when DC started mithering for a feed and, after that, it became a regular thing. DH would have DC on Saturday mornings and we'd meet for lunch afterwards and I'd feed DC. He also stepped up at other times as he realised I was at the end of my tether. From DC being around a year old, we'd split the weekend - one person would have a long-lie then take DC to the park. The other parent had an afternoon nap. And the second weekend day was family time. It's not perfect (DH is always at work during the week so I do everything then) but it's enough to stop my resentment building to levels where we have no future together.

And every couple of months, I get a child-free weekend, either because DH takes DC to visit his family by himself or I arrange to go away with friends.

In our case, we were both incredibly stressed. In your case, your H sounds lazy. But my experience is that you can't wait around hoping that your OH will have an epiphany and realise they need to pull their weight. Instead, you have to shout your needs from the rooftops, draw your boundaries clearly and be so unpleasant and insistent that compromise becomes the preferable solution for your OH because there's no rest to be had anymore in shirking their share.

And it gets better... the more they do, the more they take responsibility for, instead of assuming it's all down to you.

And if they don't change, well you've tried (not that you should have to) and it becomes clearer that instead of marrying an equal with whom you can share a good fulfilling life, you've unfortunately ended up with a sulky, grumpy man-child who was looking for a substitute "mummy" rather than a life partner.

Thank you all I’ve just read through the messages whilst scoffing mc Donald’s in ‘HIS’ car!
Im not feeling guilty as such for leaving, the kids will be loving Daddy time at home, it’s novelty. My concern is for what he’s telling them now and how he’s going to twist it when I get home. He’s played the “you can’t cope” card before so I’m fully expecting that.

Tell him you can't cope with having 3 children in the house! Don't take his bullshit.

@SmartCarDriver so you suggest op leave her husband and become a single mother who HAS to do everything on her own including work.
fair enough in certain situations but I fail to see how getting rid of the husband solves the issue of her being burnt out? I would have thought making HIM change would be the answer.

Literally that.

It's true though isn't it? You can't cope.

Ask him how you are going to tackle the problem together so you can cope.

Enjoy the McDs