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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

305 replies

JustHurt · 04/06/2022 08:26

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

OP posts:

Giveitall · 04/06/2022 08:42

Go get yourself something to eat.
Relaaax and enjoy the space.
Take your time.
When you’re feeling ready to face going back, prepare yourself for whatever his reaction might be. Don’t hurry back.
The ultimate is to sort out more of what he can do to take the pressure off you. Also if Daddy tells kid not to bite, would that have more clout?
Youre doing ok so take a deep breath & give yourself permission for some time out today.
We’re all here for you. Keep us posted.

stairgates · 04/06/2022 08:43

I've done this before, its horrible isnt it. Make a plan for tonight and stick to it, at bedtime let him don't all, you go jogging or put a film on downstairs and let him take over even if the kids are up all night, if he goes to bed and tries leaving you to it tell the kids theyvare sleeping in with daddy tonight and get in one of their beds and set your phone to record the whole thing. Sorry you are going through this.

Mally100 · 04/06/2022 08:43

Why do you put up with it? He's great on days out, because everyone can see what a lovely dad he is. Come on wake up and see what a useless man he is.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/06/2022 08:43

What does he say when you discuss this with him? How does he justify his own behaviour of not helping at all?

i don’t blame you for getting to the end of your tether and walking out at all; I’m just wondering how it got to this with him seeming to think that it’s acceptable to do nothing?

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/06/2022 08:45

Take this time to really think if you would rather na single mum. You are practically already . I stayed with someone similar for 19 years. It doesn't get better.

FusionChefGeoff · 04/06/2022 08:45

Another one saying well done for standing up for yourself.

But also be prepared for him to completely turn this on you - as proof that you are a terrible mother / person / wife. As a demonstration that you can't cope / have MH issues / other women don't behave like this.

None of that is remotely true, of course, but reading your posts I get the measure of him pretty quickly and he will be running a very loud poor me narrative right now and getting himself worked up about how you could do this to him.

He is also very likely to have called in female family support (his mother / sister if they're local) and will have had to spin them a complete web of lies about how you've lost it / hit the children / can't cope.

Personally I don't have any faith in him seeing this as a wake up call to change. He will be horrified that he, the Big Man, will be expected to parent his children / partake in the day to day drudge of life as that is for people far less important than him. That is for the little women. That's your job.

Get angry.

Stay angry.

Then get out.

Kaftankween · 04/06/2022 08:47

Is he at home for the weekend? If so I’d stay away overnight if you can.

Does he have access to another vehicle? If not leave it where he can get it and call a cab and then go off for 24 hours.

This is not just to get him to step up but to give yourself a bit of time to think what you want. You’d be less stressed single parenting, knowing you were in solo charge rather than being in solo charge with the other parent choosing not to help.

This man sounds very hard to love and respect.

neverbeenskiing · 04/06/2022 08:47

I'm sorry your DH is a selfish fuckwit 💐
I agree with PP, do not be tempted to turn around and go home. Go and get some breakfast (everything seems worse when you're hungry) and take your time. He needs to spend a few hours parenting alone before you return. He will try to make you feel guilty or rile you, don't let him. Just repeat (as many times as you have to) "we'll talk when the kids are in bed". Then when they've gone to bed you need to spell out, calmly, that his cherry-picking the easy/fun bits of parenting and leaving the rest to you is pushing you to breaking point. You need to tell him exactly what needs to change and what the consequences will be if he can't step up.

Jedsnewstar · 04/06/2022 08:48

Agree head to a cafe. Have a coffee and plan exactly what you want to say when you get back. Bullet point it all, so you don’t ramble and lose the message.

BeautifulWar · 04/06/2022 08:49

Your husband is a prize shit. Take your time here, you need it - any of us would, and do, need time out.

Oh, and he was an utter cunt to even suggest you nearly hit your child and use your frustration and exhaustion against you instead of stepping up and supporting you. Don't let him undermine you.

Virtual hugs.

Pickabearanybear · 04/06/2022 08:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Delectable · 04/06/2022 08:51

Hugs OP! Can you go to see a friend? Even a new one from MN? Ask said friend toessage him that you're having a mental break down and she's taking care of you. Turn off your phone then return tmrw.

Benjispruce4 · 04/06/2022 08:52

Gosh, why have you allowed this to happen? They are his kids too. YANBU. Stop allowing him to be a bystander.

motogirl · 04/06/2022 08:52

Hugs, been there but didn't realise it at the time - the story time hero bit was particularly similar. Only after exh left me (18 years later) did I evaluate and realise how unhealthy so much of our relationship was - don't make my mistake. Nip it in the bud

HunsNetterVom · 04/06/2022 08:53

Oh sweetie
Can you stay out all day?
That really is hard on you so be kind to yourself please
Take today to do something just for you

SmartCarDriver · 04/06/2022 08:54

Right, go and buy yourself a good book, get yourself into a coffee shop and read, for hours.

Do not go back quickly, take the day to recover,

PetersRabbitt · 04/06/2022 08:55

Good for you. Your boundaries are not good enough, he needs to help out more during the rush. He does that or pisses off. Why should you be the default skivvy?

Crocsandshocks · 04/06/2022 08:55

He's using weaponised incompetence to play Disney dad. He needs to be covered in shit, pee and puke and see how the daily grid feels.

Tee20x · 04/06/2022 08:56

Your husband sounds absolutely crap & sounds like you'd be better off without him. Why does he feel like he gets to be a bystander in your kids life while you do all the parenting.

As long as you know he'll actually look after the kids & not leave them to injure themselves go and make some plans. Have a day out!!

Blowyourowntrumpet · 04/06/2022 08:56

I did this once. I booked into a Premier Inn and stayed away overnight. If you can't do that, go and find a café, have a lovely breakfast and turn off your phone. Is there somewhere nice you can go for a walk, just to clear your head?
Whatever you do, don't start to feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/06/2022 08:56

OP stop texting and ringing. Think of it from his position - he doesn’t want to parent, he didn’t want you to go out. He’s hardly going to answer and reassure you the kids are fine. In fact he is far more likely to completely ignore you to make you worry and return.
Later he will either get angry or try to guilt you by telling you the kids cried for you.

He sounds like a complete lazy fcuker tbh. Good on family days out indeed. What use is he to you on a day to day basis?
What kind of example is he setting that Daddy doesn’t behave like a parent or even family member unless he’s in public?
This surely affects all aspects of your relationship? Do you even like him anymore?

Bunce1 · 04/06/2022 08:57

What a pathetic man.

strike action is needed, stay out. Stay away.

I am so angry for you but also, WHY do you put up with this?

5foot5 · 04/06/2022 08:58

He is also very likely to have called in female family support (his mother / sister if they're local)

Yes I wondered this. Is there anyone in the family close by that he could use to still evade his responsibility while blaming you?

Itstoobig · 04/06/2022 08:59

I really just wanted to say the same as above posters have said, which is that from what you have written it sounds as though he is the type to try and use this against you, rather than as a wake up call.

Please, steel yourself for this, and take no prisoners when you do return and he inevitably tries to make out you're the bad guy for taking off.

Do not feel you have done anything wrong or that this is anything less than the result of his phenomenally poor behaviour.

The fact fucking awful men like this exist depresses me immensely and I hope you won't be married to this utter tosspot for too much longer. Who can blame you for feeling over the edge? Coping with the challenges of young kids would be so much more bearable if you weren't married to a useless, unhelpful, selfish wanker.

Sux2buthen · 04/06/2022 08:59

Benjispruce4 · 04/06/2022 08:52

Gosh, why have you allowed this to happen? They are his kids too. YANBU. Stop allowing him to be a bystander.

Gah. Ffs
I sad 'gah' to emphasise the frustration from comments like these.
OP hasn't allowed anything to happen she's bloody busy caring for her kids
Why's the useless lump FATHER allowed this to happen

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