Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

Good for you OP, stay out as long as possible, let him deal with them for once.

When you go back make it clear he needs to pull his weight or it's over, and really mean it.

Jeez the self righteousness of that bastard ( your husband). Telling you off for getting stressed while he sits in front of the TV.

You've donenothing wrong, but you need to start pushing back against that shit. All the best.

@Nothappyatwork im also willing to bet that those advocating divorce for this, have also not been married or in a relationship long enough to know that long relationships take a lot of forgiveness, tolerance, change and patience.

“His car” “your kid”

this selfish pricks language says it all. You take the day off OP and look after yourself.

he is fantastic with them during family days out
this is very telling. He is setting you up. You're unreasonable as of course he is a fantastic dad, as anyone who has seen him out with his kids will testify. How could they see him being fantastic then assume he is anything other than that.

He is a shit father and a shit husband. He acts like a fantastic dad, he isnt one really you do realise, when in public. This is most definitely an act. It is one to set up the narrative where people will not believe he is such a shit father.

everything he is doing is to ensure people will think highly of him and poorly of you.

you need to leave him. But in the mean time id be playing the game. And do not lie for him.

@Nothappyatwork no one is in cloud cuckoo land, just some of us won't stay and be treated like the hired help, until we're worn to a frazzle! I can assure you there are 1000s of happy single mothers who are so pleased they made that choice.

I'm sure quite a few of them are on MN.

To encourage someone to live in such a bad relationship and allow the other parent to not parent at all, is awful.

He's going to use the whole 'I could just...' against you. Tell him, its like when you say I could 'kill' someone for being useless and lazy, it's expressing your anger and doesn't mean you came anywhere close to actually killing anyone. That you were frustrated because he opts out of doing anything actually hard with the children and leaves it all to you. If he says you abandoned them this morning (can imagine an arse like that twisting it that way) say no, you let their father handle the morning routine for once.

It’s time to leave this thread @Nothappyatwork
Your posts are dreadful.
The OP has taken the first step to try change her life for the better.
She shouldn’t have to “get her arse back there”
Im sorry your post divorce life didn’t work out the way you’d hoped… but ask most women who divorced men like this and they’re 1000x happier without the useless man child

Hear! Hear!

Why did you stop? Keep driving.

I'd go catch a film (Top Gun Maverick getting rave reviews) then treat myself to an afternoon wandering the shops, etc and finally pitch up sometime this evening.

I hope you've taken your keys though. He sounds exactly like the type of nasty bastard who would lock you out.

He needs a kick up the arse for sure, but it is 100 1000% easier to train him then it is to divorce him, honestly people have no fucking idea once they’re off the leash your children are zero priority in their life, everything else comes first. Because they still have you to do all the work, all the heavy lifting and all the mental load. It’s like being still married to them but with none of the financial benefits.

By just the female, not the male?

You seem to be saying that the female should just do all this and be tolerant?

Life is no longer like that. Obey had been taken out of marital vows for some time now.

Ive been with my husband for over twenty years.

long relationships do take compromise. But jit by one person. If it is always one person sacrificing them-self, that isnt compromise.

I am willing to bet those thinking op should suck this behaviour up have really shitty husbands and shitty lives and they would rather pretend this is normal than admit that to themselves.

@Nothappyatwork train him? He's not a Labrador!

They're equal partners, she's not his mother also.

I can't believe this attitude still exists!

I've been married for 20 years.
And I know this poor woman needs a divorce.

Maybe today IS OP's first step on the journey to training the lazy, entitled sod, Nothappy?

In which case, stay out until nightfall, I say.

What an absolute prick to say you almost punched your own child when you were simply removing yourself from a stressful position because HE can’t just step the fuck up and help you out!

Hope you’re sitting enjoying a nice coffee somewhere with your phone switched off.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn you're totally right, they are leaving like had maidens and want the rest of women to do the same!

No thanks and I've been married 35 years! Happily die to not having a lazy, disinterested, husband that needed training.

‘Train him’, ‘off the leash’? I’m pretty sure OP didn’t marry a dog, although a dog would at least be cute and offer unconditional love….

21 years married here, and agreed, if my husband did this either after one year of marriage or 20, I’d still tell him to fuck off.

Did you get one of those books when you were pregnant (I got them in two countries - the UK big purple one, and another one somewhere else) that said that if you needed to, if you were at the end of your tether with a screaming baby, you should put them in a safe place, close the door so you couldn't hear, and take the time you needed to calm down.

That's what you just did. You did exactly what you are supposed to do. You knew you were at breaking point, you made sure the kids were safe, and you removed yourself from the situation so you could sort yourself out. You did exactly the right thing.

Now practically, whilst I'm not one of the 'bite back' parents - I do think you should make sure that your little one knows that it hurt you - ham it up, don't suppress the yelp of pain or the tears in your eyes. Rub it and tell them to wait a moment because that really hurts, or go and get a cold flannel (like they would at nursery).

Then with the husband, perhaps you'll be lucky and he'll step up - but he sounds like my ex. Who didn't get up until we were literally heading out the door to school, and disappeared off to the gym when pickup time came round, and came to bed once I was already asleep (occasionally waking me for sex, which I was obviously not in the mood for as I was going to be up again at 6 for the kids!). I did most trips out with them actually, but when he felt like it he'd come and be engaged with them (if work didn't call). When I found out he'd been cheating on work trips and ended it, he left, and the kids didn't even notice after a few weeks, I pulled them aside one by one and told them. Eldest cried out of shock, but then came back a week later for a chat and told me that actually things were the same as they've always been. The youngest didn't care at all, and took over a year to want to even agree to talk to his dad (6 years old).

Do you think that taking the frustration of knowing he's there, and doing bugger all but bask in adulation will help? It did for me - I felt free, a weight lifted, even though I'm a single mother now with almost no respite (I work while they're at school, their dad sees them one day every two weeks, and sometimes an extra evening)

Go and read my latest thread about how my children are treated by the other parents and how othe other Mumsnet is tell me that it’s his house his rules so I just have to put up with his shitty parenting because there’s nothing I can do it’s his weekend in his house.

my point is only leave the bastard is not the easy option when you have children together you never ever get to leave the bastard, he’s always there in the background and he’ll be expecting her to do exactly what she does now only she’ll have none of the financial benefits of him.
and yes she might meet somebody else or she might be perceived as damage goods by the vast majority of the male population who will consider her good for a shag but not a lot else.

that’s the reality of single parenthood for most. Scraping by financially, no reliable time off. Unable to make solid plans so your career is affected. Worried sick about what the other person is doing with your children.

Far easier to train the Labrador

@Nothappyatwork so it's all about financial benefits? That's what a good marriage is based on? What if your idea of training doesn't work? Just stay for the money?

Hopefully OP has some financial independence and won't need to stay in an unhappy marriage, that's currently so bad that she's acting out of character.

You can see from the post, already edging towards financial abuse with the "my car" comment.

But you're saying "suck it up"?

Hope you are ok? He’s an absolute twat. I just wouldn’t stay. He’s literally watching you struggle to the point of breaking.

@Nothappyatwork so your training didn't work then? He still parents badly? So why give that advice?