To ask if you regret NOT having children

[josil]

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

Hi Josil. Not sure I'm replying from the right perspective but here goes. I'm in my mid fifties, no children, never wanted them/never tried to have them. I remember telling my parents as a teenager that I would never have kids and they simply didn't believe me.

No regrets here at all. Lucky enough to find a partner who wasn't interested either so that certainly made it easier. We have a good and fulfilling life and I can't see how kids would have added to it.

You're clearly unsure and I do think it's easier if you just know from a young age like me. Friends who decided later not to have kids found it a tough decision but seem perfectly happy with it now. But obviously I only see what they choose to show me. If you can picture yourself with kids I think it's very different.

I don't have children, through choice. I'm 46. I have a partner who does have children, I haven't seen them since COVID, he has. I have a sponsor child through Action Aid, I got a bit broody in my old age and my little sponsor girl has fulfilled that need. I'll probably never meet her but I can contribute to her community and still do stockings for my partner's children at Christmas.

Not me- but my aunt- didn’t have children because her partner already had older children. They had a nice life, holidays, ate out lots, lots of lay ins- never upsized from their flat as no need. Husband died and aunt now says she regrets not having kids. Is having to move into a retirement property but having never scaled up she doesn’t have a big budget, lives off 1 pension.
She is lucky that she has nieces and nephews and we check in on her but I’ll be honest I wouldn’t go to lengths I would for my mum (if she was alive)- I’d never have her live with me, help her financially or call her daily etc.

Never once regretted not having them.

No regrets here.
Quite the opposite, I keep appreciating more and more about the fact thats:

1. I don’t have them


2. I didn’t bring another person, who did not ask to be born, into this world.

I don't have children, either because I was with the wrong person, never really wanted any and time just passed me by.
It didn't use to bother me at all but now it does but I think that might be for purely selfish reasons.
I don't have a partner or any siblings. I am now 62 and in ill health. The only other relative is my mum who is 90 and I very much feel that I will be facing life completely alone.
It's the little things really, when I'm in hospital I don't have any visitors or anyone to bring things as my friends live too far away and I don't like to ask. I'm OK though but it would be nice to have someone.

I'm closer to 50 than 40 now and childfree by choice, with a DH in total agreement.
It wasn't a tricky decision for me though, I just never felt the urge and as I've become older it's felt even more like the correct choice for me.

Obviously for you it's trickier as clearly you have felt that urge so I almost feel like we're comparing apples and oranges?

I do appreciate what a previous poster has said about not having people to look out for you when you're elderly but I also know older people with grown-up children who get very upset at not hearing from them as much as they'd like whereas I'll never go through that. And we're in a position to make good financial provision for our older years.

My favourite thing about it is how much DH and I have been able to prioritise each other and put each other first and we've always had a really happy loving relationship.

Absolutely not.

I am very happily childfree by choice, with no regrets whatsoever. I always knew 100% that I didn’t want to be a parent, in fact I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself. I don’t find babies cute or appealing and I never have.

Looked at objectively, the benefits of staying childfree are so overwhelming that I struggle to understand why more people don’t make this choice. But then I don’t understand ‘broodiness’ because it’s not something I have ever experienced. I get that most people want to have children and that most women are instinctively drawn towards babies. I understand that most people probably never seriously question societal & familial norms and expectations. I am not ‘most people’ though, and I never wanted to be.

I think most people who chose not to have them will not regret that choice until they are a good twenty years or so older then the age group you're asking.

There will always be some of course, that never have regrets.

Curious on what age you think most people who chose not to have children will regret that decision and why?

My mum has a few childfree friends and says that they did struggle with it more as they got older. Perhaps feeling the need for more connection / companionship? A couple said to her that whilst they didn't want to have children they would've liked to have grandchildren. Not suggesting that all childfree people feel that way obviously.

I’m 43. I always thought I’d have kids when I met the right guy. I met him early thirties and actually I realised I’m not maternal at all. I should add I have worked with children and families for over 20 years , I love them but I actually don’t want to come home to them every day. Parenting is bloody hard. Kudos to all parents.

oh yeah no regrets. We have a lovely life. I don’t feel I miss out at all. Neither does my partner.

Also ask staff in care homes how many visits some of their residents get from their children. It is no guarantee of companionship as an older person. Relationships break down all the time.

Not me but

• a relative didnt want them until age 44 and then changed her mind. She spent quite a bit of money then trying to have fertility treatment but it was sadly not successful. She has had a tough few years coming to terms with it and unfortunately her marriage also didnt last (he didnt feel the same way about not having had children and just couldn't understand how she felt). 6 yrs on atm she seems better now but I'm not sure.
• friend of my mothers, was never bothered until all her friends had grandchildren. She didnt really want to be a mother but somehow felt bereft at not being a grandmother. I don't know if that's a common thing or not.

I have many friends who thought they didnt want children, realised around 40 they really did, managed (in most cases with fertility treatment) to have one but not more, and regret that they've only had one.

I also have some childfree by choice colleagues and friends who don't have regrets. One is a dog lover and her life revolves around her dogs.

Mid 50s absolutely no regrets. I find it hard to understand why people do want children, it just doesn’t make sense to me.

Age 54. Technically I don't meet your criteria as I didn't actively decide, more fell into it.

Very happy that's how it turned out. At various points I'd considered whether I should find a way to have a baby (as a single person) but always concluded I couldn't be bothered.

I was right, it's not for me. I liked my friends' babies and then their young children. I'm far less keen on the teenage stage, and it honestly looks like fucking hard work and the rewards are a long way in the future (and not guaranteed). I feel increasingly relieved 😀

I'm 45 and just never wanted them.
Once dated someone who did but it wasn't for me.
I don't fit your criteria now as I am single and don't plan to change that either. But I have had long term relationships and was always clear kids were off the table.

No regrets.
I've three aunts and a sibling who don't have kids either, so it's pretty much the norm in my family.

True because you reflect differently when your older

She didnt really want to be a mother but somehow felt bereft at not being a grandmother.

A couple of my friends are grandparents. I just think that's crazy 😂We're too young.... Maybe I'll be bereft in 20 years but I'm struggling to imagine it.

Late 40s and no regrets. Never wanted them; not capable of adequately parenting a child and not maternal by nature. I prefer kittens and puppies to human babies!

45. Not regretted it at all. I'm in no way maternal enough. I also wouldn't want to put children into this world, but I said that 20 years ago already.

No regrets at all, I have had an amazing life that just wouldn't have been possible with children. Never had the urge, never understood those that did/do.

I was ambivalent about having children. Neither gung ho, I absolutely must have them, nor really against it. I have been pregnant more than once and miscarried relatively early. My reaction to this was sadness but I don't think I was as deeply sad as people who were planning children or who really, really wanted them.

I'm in my fifties and sometimes think it would have been nice to have them but I don't regret it not happening. Of course, some people will tell you that when you're elderly and there's "no one there to look after you" you will regret it which is hogwash, basically. Anyone who has children because they want to be looked after in their old age - and I'm pretty damn sure that the majority of parents don't do that - would be very odd indeed.

I'm a fabulous auntie and that's good enough for me.

I hope you don't mind me answering. I'm not the person you were looking for an answer from. I have multiple children. I was always broody and desperately wanted to be a mum more than anything.

Whilst I wouldn't change them for the world and the love I have for them is like nothing else I guess I was so blind sided by wanting to be a mum so badly that I never realised what I was giving up. You don't realise what you have got until it is gone. I think aside from the physical stuff like sleep deprevation and freedom it is the fact that it puts you in a vulnerable position in every way possible.

When you look at it rationally you give up so much and all to bring another person into the world who will most likely go through huge amounts of suffering. Saying that me being someone who is so maternal would still go back and have them again, selfishly. But, I can now see what I could not before, how life if you are not maternal can be amazing too.

I don't think worries of loneliness is a good reason to have children. You will spend more of your life in a dire state from having them than feeling lonely from not. Their is no guarantee they will be around in your older age. You can make other close relationships if you try.

A couple of close relatives never had them just due to never being in the right situation. They struggled for a while but are at peace with it now, so it would seem. They do say they are lonely but so do a couple of my other family members who have children. Neither seems worse off. In fact at least the ones without children are more financially stable. The only thing is I guess I feel like they have missed out on a big life experience but then I have probably missed out on a lot of my own life by giving myself to my children.

I’m 37 and it looks like I won’t ever have children - we have tried 5 rounds of IVF and my DH has had his vasectomy reversed but no luck. He doesn’t want to do sperm donor so that’s it. I am very conflicted about it if I am honest - we have spent £30,000 on IVF, all because he had a vasectomy in a past relationship. I have no fertility issues. 😞