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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret NOT having children

222 replies

josil · 03/06/2022 17:59

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

OP posts:
Imnotgonnacrie · 03/06/2022 21:32

I have a friend who desperately wanted children from early 30s to early 40s. Now she's mid 40s and she says it's like a mist has cleared and she's really happy that she doesn't have children now and that she can see how much easier her life is because of it (she's not just saying that, she's a close friend who I trust and previously was honest about how sad not conceiving had made her, so I have no reason to doubt her honesty now). I'm the opposite, I have kids and sometimes wonder why - I think the only good reason to have kids is that you can't imagine a life without kids and are willing to make all the sacrifices that entails. If you're ambivalent I think you should not bother.

whynotwhatknot · 03/06/2022 21:33

Im 47 and never wanted kids-used toplay with my dsis as i was 14 years older and it put me off-
dont regret it everyone i know with kids just moans how they cant do anything alot and im happy i can be spontaeous and dont have to arrange things months in advanced just to go out somewhere

if your doing it because you think thats what women are supposed to do dont-only have kids of you really want them

RRBB1920 · 03/06/2022 21:34

Well I was unsure like yourself. I said to my partner when we met at 35 and 44 respectively, me 35, was I wouldn't regret not having children but would regret not trying. And having lost a baby son at 39yrs I have a daughter nearly 2 I'm now 42yrs. No more for me due to health reasons. And as people have said it's not a black and white question. But I wish you luck in your decision.

whynotwhatknot · 03/06/2022 21:35

Just add im married and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship but they never lived with us

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2022 21:40

Nope, I am actually relieved and glad I never had them.

jolietomate · 03/06/2022 21:40

I’m 47 and two years post menopause, so there’s definitely no chance of having children for me. I don’t regret it one bit. If I would have wanted kids, I would have found a way to do so, but I just didn’t have the urge or impetus. I knew from my teens I didn’t want children.

woody87 · 03/06/2022 21:41

Heartoverheadheadoverheart · 03/06/2022 20:43

I hope you don't mind me answering. I'm not the person you were looking for an answer from. I have multiple children. I was always broody and desperately wanted to be a mum more than anything.

Whilst I wouldn't change them for the world and the love I have for them is like nothing else I guess I was so blind sided by wanting to be a mum so badly that I never realised what I was giving up. You don't realise what you have got until it is gone. I think aside from the physical stuff like sleep deprevation and freedom it is the fact that it puts you in a vulnerable position in every way possible.

When you look at it rationally you give up so much and all to bring another person into the world who will most likely go through huge amounts of suffering. Saying that me being someone who is so maternal would still go back and have them again, selfishly. But, I can now see what I could not before, how life if you are not maternal can be amazing too.

I don't think worries of loneliness is a good reason to have children. You will spend more of your life in a dire state from having them than feeling lonely from not. Their is no guarantee they will be around in your older age. You can make other close relationships if you try.

A couple of close relatives never had them just due to never being in the right situation. They struggled for a while but are at peace with it now, so it would seem. They do say they are lonely but so do a couple of my other family members who have children. Neither seems worse off. In fact at least the ones without children are more financially stable. The only thing is I guess I feel like they have missed out on a big life experience but then I have probably missed out on a lot of my own life by giving myself to my children.

I don't know why but your comment is probably the most depressing on the whole page.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 03/06/2022 21:45

Mid 50s here. Never wanted kids and it was never in my life plan, although I thought I probably would one day as it was what everyone did. However, as I got older, I really decided I didn't want kids at all as I don't actually like them! Never regretted it. I often look at families and wonder why people actually do have kids, maybe a vanity thing. I have a wonderful husband, good friends (a lot of whom are also child-free) and a full, spontaneous life.

Tandora · 03/06/2022 21:46

SpotOfTee · 03/06/2022 21:12

So sorry you're in that situation. I'd personally really struggle to stay if children were something I really wanted. I know that's probably really frowned upon, I have a friend in the exact same situation (partner had vasectomy prior to them meeting ect..) and I know it plays on her mind a lot whether she should stay or leave.

Show quote history

Oh gosh @Gensola im so so sorry that sounds so hard.
apologies for the thread detail but I also feel compelled to reply to this.

I agree with @SpotOfTee , I wouldn’t stay in this situation. Especially since your DH refuses to consider sperm donation. Don’t let him be the reason you don’t have a child, if that’s what you want. Pursue your own happiness and the right relationship will later fall into place .
you’ll be much happier that way and have a life with fewer regrets xxx

Abouttimemum · 03/06/2022 21:48

@1990s

just jumping on to say literally exactly the same happened to me. It’s awful, truly awful thing to go through.

And weird emotionally given neither me or DH wanted kids originally.

we have DS aged 3 now and in our 40s so there is hope.

AngelinaFibres · 03/06/2022 21:54

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/06/2022 20:38

She didnt really want to be a mother but somehow felt bereft at not being a grandmother.

A couple of my friends are grandparents. I just think that's crazy 😂We're too young.... Maybe I'll be bereft in 20 years but I'm struggling to imagine it.

My brother didn't want chldren. Too much faff apparently. He spent a lot of time living a life that I ,as a single parent of 2, could only dream of. I have just become a granny. I am 57. He is 54. He told me today that he bitterly regrets not having children as he doesn't have the life and the lovely people that I have. The baby years are hard work and the teenage years are often shite but being a parent to young adults is wonderful. And being a granny is off the scale .

Costacoffeeplease · 03/06/2022 21:56

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

How about thinking about this for a millisecond?

Do child free people like gardening, eat food, have health issues, watch tv or read books? Or are these things just for parents?

Why do some men join mumsnet?

Every bloody time 🙄

mangoontoast · 03/06/2022 21:56

Very telling that all the child free women are saying no regrets but the mothers are mentioning child free women they know who regret it.

mangoontoast · 03/06/2022 21:57

Tiredalwaystired · 03/06/2022 21:21

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

Why are you gatekeeping?

NoMoreFlowers · 03/06/2022 21:58

I'm in my fifties and decided not to have children. I didn't regret it for a second. For me, it was the right decision.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/06/2022 22:03

AllAloneInThisHouse · 03/06/2022 18:19

No regrets here.
Quite the opposite, I keep appreciating more and more about the fact thats:


  1. I don’t have them

  2. I didn’t bring another person, who did not ask to be born, into this world.

Same here. I am 56.

I think Mumsnet is a great contraceptive.

The more threads I read, the more grateful I am that I don't have children.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 03/06/2022 22:04

I actually think that it is very hard to regret something you've never had. I do have DC but it was only really after I had them that I realised how they they have changed my life for the better.

This may not be a universal view but it is mine.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/06/2022 22:05

mangoontoast · 03/06/2022 21:57

Why are you gatekeeping?

Show quote history

I like MN because there are threads about many different topics (tv, finances, property etc) which are relevant whether you have children or not.

I just skip past the ones re children.

ChazzaGirl · 03/06/2022 22:07

No regrets at all. When I was younger I always assumed I would have kids but when I got to the 30 mark, I realised I just didn’t want them. Quite a few of my friends don’t have them either and they’re the same age range as me (late 40s/early 50s).

I honestly don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything - whether this is because I don’t know any different, who can say? But it’s not something I’ve ever regretted. I’ve got youngsters in the family and friends who have children and I can see how much delight there is in having kids, but I can also see the stresses involved. It’s just not something I wanted to do and I’m very content with my life.

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:07

@mangoontoast yes I noticed that.

I knew we'd get the why are you on MN question as well.
I'm going to start replying that it's to confirm that I made the right choice.

Bofthebang · 03/06/2022 22:08

At the risk of being accused of gate keeping…. 🙄

a lot of posters are missing this from the OP:
“I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person”

Hearing from parents is not what the OP asked for so I’m not sure why parents are jumping on this thread?

1990s · 03/06/2022 22:09

Abouttimemum · 03/06/2022 21:48

@1990s

just jumping on to say literally exactly the same happened to me. It’s awful, truly awful thing to go through.

And weird emotionally given neither me or DH wanted kids originally.

we have DS aged 3 now and in our 40s so there is hope.

Thank you so much @Abouttimemum . Hearing others experiences helps a lot. I appreciate it.

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2022 22:09

Costacoffeeplease · 03/06/2022 21:56

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

How about thinking about this for a millisecond?

Do child free people like gardening, eat food, have health issues, watch tv or read books? Or are these things just for parents?

Why do some men join mumsnet?

Every bloody time 🙄

I am here, because mumsnet is gender critical. All the places I was frequenting were going super woke and this place felt like an oasis compared to that.

ventingventing123 · 03/06/2022 22:12

I'm in your target age bracket and have never regretted not having kids. If I ever had a doubt I would read one of the threads on here from parents who regretted having kids talked about their regrets and I've felt I'd have been one of those posters. I'd encourage you to do the same, OP if you have any doubts. This is a lifetime decision.

Kids are a lot of work and expense. We have friends and relatives children to enjoy and hand back at the end of the day. That is enough for us.

grapewines · 03/06/2022 22:12

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:07

@mangoontoast yes I noticed that.

I knew we'd get the why are you on MN question as well.
I'm going to start replying that it's to confirm that I made the right choice.

This. To be fair, reading some of the threads does often confirm that I did.