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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret NOT having children

222 replies

josil · 03/06/2022 17:59

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 03/06/2022 22:14

@ILoveAllRainbowsx Couldn't agree more. Especially when I read the threads in Relationships, all the women who have had children (often more than one) with utterly awful men and then wonder why they are shit fathers...

I'm 53. Never wanted children, always knew I'd never have them. I've had two terminations to make sure, never had a moments regret, just total relief. I don't like children, never have. I've two brothers, we are now all in our 50s and they haven't had children, either.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 03/06/2022 22:14

How can you properly regret not having something if you don't know what it feels like to have it?

grapewines · 03/06/2022 22:15

Hearing from parents is not what the OP asked for so I’m not sure why parents are jumping on this thread?

It always happens along with "why are child free women on MN?" Like clockwork.

PlanetNormal · 03/06/2022 22:15

Tiredalwaystired · 03/06/2022 21:21

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

BINGO!!! Grin

Have a look on ‘Active threads’ and see how many topics being discussed are nothing to do with parenting. Those are the ones I’m interested in.

I’m also on Pistonheads, which is a sort of MN for blokes, but based on cars instead of kids. I discuss subjects other than parenting there, too.

Dementedswan · 03/06/2022 22:17

I knew I always wanted children .. but fuck me it's hard and nothing prepared me for that. I love them dearly but.. if I knew the worry, stress, how much they aged me, affected our relationship . No space to breathe and be our own people, have sex when we want, have the funds to travel etc. I definately think again. I feel guilty saying that already! X

Cautionsharpblade · 03/06/2022 22:21

50 with no kids and I have absolutely no regrets. I loathe being around children and ever since I was a child myself I’ve thought motherhood looked like a massive amount of hassle. It’s absolutely not for me. I’m glad I’ll never have grandchildren either.

InFiveMins · 03/06/2022 22:21

I'm in my thirties but am absolutely definitely sure I don't want to have children. Luckily DP feels the same. I feel comfortable and at peace with my decision - I've always known having children wasn't "right" for me. No regrets.

Daenerys77 · 03/06/2022 22:22

No regrets, I have never felt the least desire to have children, but I hope it works out for you.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:30

If you feel you will be riddled with regret in 10 or 20 years time then my opinion is just try your best to have a child and if it doesn't happen at least you tried,if you are successful you won't regret it ,I think you are asking the wrong question here as you need to ask people if they regret having them

RepublicOfNarnia · 03/06/2022 22:30

I made a list of pros/cons to having kids. The only pro was for such a ridiculous reason that I knew having kids would be a mistake for that one reason.

Having children is really the ultimate sacrifice in my opinion and I just don't want to commit to doing it.

RepublicOfNarnia · 03/06/2022 22:32

Forgot to add that I am not in your intended age group. I'm in my 30s and this would be pretty much my prime for baby-having.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:32

Cautionsharpblade · 03/06/2022 22:21

50 with no kids and I have absolutely no regrets. I loathe being around children and ever since I was a child myself I’ve thought motherhood looked like a massive amount of hassle. It’s absolutely not for me. I’m glad I’ll never have grandchildren either.

If the children were your own it could be different though

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:34

If the children were your own it could be different though

Bit if a risk in case it isn't though - you can't just hand them to social services at that point.
So why risk it if it's not even something you want?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 03/06/2022 22:35

Not me but l have a friend who is 50 this year- childfree by choice and breathes a big sigh of relief every single day. I know she is glad to be past her menopause cos it means she doesn't even to think about it any more.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:35

InFiveMins · 03/06/2022 22:21

I'm in my thirties but am absolutely definitely sure I don't want to have children. Luckily DP feels the same. I feel comfortable and at peace with my decision - I've always known having children wasn't "right" for me. No regrets.

Dp could change his mind in 20 years when it may be to late for you but if you are sure well that's fine

noirchatsdeux · 03/06/2022 22:37

@Hollywolly1 If the children were your own it could be different though

It wasn't for my father - he never wanted children, I only exist because my mother is Catholic. He hated being a parent and basically gave up on family life when I was 9.

sundayweatherwatch · 03/06/2022 22:37

Aaaabbbcccc · 03/06/2022 20:46

Thought I didn’t want them, had one extremely late. So glad I did. I had/have a fantastic life of professional fulfilment, travel, adventure etc and the way I see is that if I hadn’t had a child I would have continued to have an entirely fulfilling life. Cuddling my DC is something I had never experienced anything like but the same could be said of flying a light aircraft through Southern Africa which gave me as much of a sense of being alive. So my point is that I would not see it as binary and one being good and the other being bad and try to empirically assess which one you should go for. The simple truth is that we adapt to our lives - obviously there are some extremes at either end but for the most part us humans find a way of being happy. There as so many paths to fulfilment in life, kids is just one of them.

so - if you feel you want to keep trying, do it (it took me 4 years without any fertility treatment) but if you don’t, don’t and see where life leads you.

May I ask how old you were when you had your dc?

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:38

Dp could change his mind in 20 years when it may be to late for you but if you are sure well that's fine

And your dp could run off with another woman tomorrow. I mean anything could happen really.
But it's still a pretty spiteful thing to say. Why do you have a problem with women not wanting children?

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:40

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:34

If the children were your own it could be different though

Bit if a risk in case it isn't though - you can't just hand them to social services at that point.
So why risk it if it's not even something you want?

Agree but the op is already fearing that she'll regret it in 10 or 20 years so in her case she maybe mire at peace if she tries.
The world is full of women that never wanted children but just had them and its extremely rare for a mother to regret having her child no matter how difficult things are

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:41

its extremely rare for a mother to regret having her child no matter how difficult things are

Who wants difficult though?

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:45

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:38

Dp could change his mind in 20 years when it may be to late for you but if you are sure well that's fine

And your dp could run off with another woman tomorrow. I mean anything could happen really.
But it's still a pretty spiteful thing to say. Why do you have a problem with women not wanting children?

I'm actually not one bit spiteful thanks and it's perfectly okay for a woman to not want a child but the op says she fears she may regret it if she doesn't have a child in 10 or 20 year
And yes even if a woman has 20 children with their dp they could run off,it happens, its life

whynotwhatknot · 03/06/2022 22:47

I post here because theres hundreds of topics and other things to talk about-didnt know you needed proof of kids to post on here

Sleepytimebear · 03/06/2022 22:48

RepublicOfNarnia · 03/06/2022 22:30

I made a list of pros/cons to having kids. The only pro was for such a ridiculous reason that I knew having kids would be a mistake for that one reason.

Having children is really the ultimate sacrifice in my opinion and I just don't want to commit to doing it.

I hadn't really thought of it like this but actually i can't think of any pros (for me). I just think it's not for everyone. I know a lot of people who always wanted kids, I just never did. society tells you to have them so i sort of expected to change my mind but it never happened. I've given it a lot of thought and I definitely definitely don't want them. People really struggle to accept this and that you won't regret it in the future. Maybe it's difficult to understand If you really wanted kids and you are happy with them, it's so obvious to you what the pros are. I look at families and just can't get my head around why these people want children, it just doesn't appeal.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:50

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:41

its extremely rare for a mother to regret having her child no matter how difficult things are

Who wants difficult though?

😅completely ridiculous, you must have everything running like clock work

whumpthereitis · 03/06/2022 22:51

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:35

Dp could change his mind in 20 years when it may be to late for you but if you are sure well that's fine

Show quote history

Tbh if my husband did change his mind and started wanting children he’d be free