To ask if you regret NOT having children

[josil]

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

I moved to MN when The BBC closed down The Archers message board, along side many others who moved at the same time

There is loads of non-parenting restated information on here, it never appears to be even slightly parent orientated. It's well moderated and reasonably reliable.

Have you ever noticed anything no -parent related?

@AngelinaFibres

he doesn't have the life and the lovely people that I have.

I would be very surprised if it were just the having children than provides your lovely life, rather than what you have put into that life.

All that that is telling about, is that it would not be kind for a child free by choice woman to tell a mother who is having a shity time with her DC how much better off she would be without her DC.

Can't send them back, can you.

My first thought when someone tells me she’s pregnant is “Oh god, rather you than me” but I don’t say that. Obviously.

I do occasionally have the thought/worry about what might happen if I live to be really old (I hope I don't) and have ill health especially if DH dies before me.

I am a worrier though but try not to give it too much thought. My parents both died last year and for the last couple of years needed quite a lot of help and care from me and my siblings.

As others have said though, having children is no guarantee that you will be looked after. DH fell out with his family and had nothing to do with them for around 15 years before they died.

My next door neighbour where I live previously was 95. She had had 4 children but they had all died.

Flouncing Babooshka, no offence taken, no need to apologise. It's just such a stupid thing of people to say. I was thinking not just about me but about all those people who wanted children and didn't manage to have them, or those who'd have loved to be in a secure relationship in order to have children but never found someone suitable. They're child-free too, and they are also being told that they'll have no one to love them and support them in old age.

.@Pluvia I absolutely did not say they’ll have no one to love them or support them in old age and I’m baffled as to why you think I did. My entire post was in defence of child-free people, who a previous poster had suggested were being dishonest about being happy with their choice. And I am one of those people you talk about who wanted children and didn’t manage to have them (incidentally, as someone who was unable to have children, I don’t like being referred to as child-free as I think denotes an active choice I did not make). I did not say people should have children so they would be looked after in old age, or that they will have no one to love them if they don’t, and I object to the accusation that I did.

Hi OP. I'm in my early 40s, never really wanted children. If I had met the right person 10 years ago, I may have considered it. As I did not, I am now looking at the rest of my life childless and, more likely than not, single.

There are a few things which bother me. Loneliness, for a start. The "what ifs" of old age. The time I could have spent otherwise.

But I always get a hold of myself when I start overthinking stuff. I have lived and worked and travelled and did my best. I have been, and continue to be, independent and free. My time and money are my own. I get to choose who I associate with. I have spent my time working and managing and occasionally, having fun.

I look at and old lady I know - 90+, lost her only child years ago. She is alone. We all are, at the end of the day. No partner or child or pet can change that.

What I'm trying to say is: we just have to make the best of it, no matter how our lives turn out. Having kids is not the magical key to happiness! Neither is not having any! Deciding whether or not to be a parent is important, but it' s not the single, definitive, all-important decision you can make. Life is about many more things, it's just easy to narrow it down to this because that's what women do, right?

One of my exes decided he didn’t want children. I suspect he was never interested (it was not a factor in our break up; we were both not ready at that point in our lives) but he split up with a subsequent GF because she wanted kids and he didn’t, and then he married someone who was a fair bit older and had a long standing condition difficult to manage with motherhood.

Fast forward to today and stress and family problems have seen his own MH deteriorate sharply (he too has a lifelong developmental condition). It’s a blessing that there are no kids involved and he definitely doesn’t regret not having them.

Also if you're worried about being looked after in old age, you're better off saving towards your retirement and care than having kids. As a parent, you don't want to put that responsibility on your kids but aside from that the hard work, cost and stress of parenting for perhaps a few years of being looked after in your old age is really bad ROI.

I’m one of those people who could have easily not had children by choice. I was never maternal, never felt the urge that so many women have.

I fell pregnant by accident as it goes, & ended up with two boys. Now I’ve got them, they make my life richer in many many ways & I wouldn’t give them up for the world but I still think unless that accident had happened, I would be child free now. I’m 39, for context. It took me a long time to adjust to motherhood. I’m still adjusting actually & they’re 8.

I am very honest with people about the realities of parenthood - it’s hard, hard graft & although it often makes you the best version of yourself there are a lot of times when you’re the very worst version of yourself. It can be heaven & hell so unless you really want to put the hat on & have that “urge,” I’d say you probably won’t regret not having them. Who knows?

Nature is clever, it creates a biological urge in most women to procreate, at great sacrifice to themselves. This powerful urge also overrides their logic ……. It has to because everyone knows how damn hard it is creating, birthing & growing another human being is, & without nature’s trick the human race would just die out.

Genuinely curious - why are those with children commenting on the thread when the OP has been pretty specific in wanting responses from those not with children, by choice?

@Redouble because everyone is entitled
to an opinion and to comment on a thread.

Whenever these threads come along I always get irritated by the people who say "I never wanted kids - there are too many people in the world, and anyway I prefer dogs" . It makes me feel like I'm being told off for having kids.
And actually I think there are too many dogs in the world!

I think that’s more commentary on the fact that we’re 8 billion plus deep on a global level. As a species it’s not like we’re facing an impending extinction that would compel people to have children they don’t actually want.

Here's a perspective from an older woman. I'm 70, married for 47 years, together for 50 years, and I find it quite offensive when people repeatedly said to us "Who will look after you in old age, why don't you adopt.!!
We got married I was 23 and he 25, never really wanted kids, although I did have a miscarriage at 28.
I think we just assumed that's what you did.
We've had a good life, travelled, eat out when we want to, can be selfish too.
I look around at my friends and family, and all I hear are moans about the kids, grandkids etc.
So no regrets whatsoever, and as for old age what will be will be. No guarantee the kids would look after us anyway.

I’m 45, and never felt the inclination. ExH and I kept putting it off and thought we might change our minds, but we never did.
My now DP has children, who live with us 50% of the time. Thankfully we get along well, especially as they’re teens - we made it very clear that they have two excellent parents already so I’m just a bonus grownup, not a “parent”.
I’ve no regrets whatsoever in not having children, and don’t think this will change. I have older friends who are also child free by choice, and none of them regret it.

How many people’s kids actually look after them anyway?

Most people seem to expect their parents to go into a home when the time comes.

Yes, I don't think people should talk for each other on this. Child free women are the final authority on their own feelings, not what mothers imagine they feel. I'm sure child free women are tactfully silent about their glee in their decision around mothers! Similarly I often see child free women on MN say they know they've done the right thing because all the mothers they know just moan and their lives look hard. I try not to moan, but I also don't talk about the joy and contentment my children have bought me to those without children - you'd have to be a total arse to do so! - so they wouldn't get the full picture of both the negatives and the positives.

Two years off 50. Never wanted children. Had an abortion in my late 30's right when my biological clock should have been going into meltdown Never regretted it.

Those people were only trying to be helpful. The OP asked for experiences. If people made it clear it wasn't their own, but a relative, then that's up to the OP whether they take on board or not. And it's not guessing how they felt, it's what they have been told by said relative.

Aye, right.

60 and zero regrets. To be honest a lot of my friends get more heart ache than joy from their kids, particularly the adult kids.