To ask if you regret NOT having children

[josil]

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

As a PP said it's interesting that all the childfree are saying they don't have any regrets but those with DC are saying they know people that do have regrets.

I think it's very easy to hear that people might have regrets to validate their own choices.

I actively paid for sterilization so I didn't have the issue of contraception because I was firmly in the camp of never. Other childfree people I know have no urge to have children and it's refreshing to hear women voice that because you simply can't in front of some parents as they take it as a rejection of their own choices to have children.

Unsurprisingly no one admitting they ever regret deciding to remain child free, just like it’d be pointless to ask if anyone regretted having children.

I share this article every time there is a thread like this, but it really is interesting and worth a read

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-not-fear-regret-about-not-having-kids

There have been loads of threads where people talk about regretting having children, @SleeplessInEngland. Do a search and you'll find many of them.

I’m in my 50s and made an active decision not to have kids in early 30s (before then it never entered my head to consider it - was too busy living life).

I have absolutely no regrets and neither does my DH - we have a fantastic life full of experiences that fulfil us more than children ever would. There are some downsides - in my late 30s and early 40s I found it harder to make friendships with other women as those with kids seem to talk a different language - but so many advantages. I love my life but only you will know what is right for you.

So parents can be more honest about their regrets than the child free. Interesting.

If you started a thread asking if people regretted having kids or if you had your time again would you do it - you’d get tons of responses. It’s not an uncommon topic here

Yeah great, have one just to see. That’s a great approach to parenthood. Why are you so offended that some people are happy without kids?

@Ameliarosethistle thanks that’s kind of you, my DH is really opposed to sperm/egg donation so it’s not an option for us.

I think both parents and people who aren't parents are perfectly able to be honest on this anonymous forum, @SleeplessInEngland . Why couldn't they be???? What's your problem with women who don't have children not regretting it and saying so?

Do you actually read many of the threads on here? Loads and loads of mothers saying they regret having children.

Lots of my friends with children (many now have grandchildren) say if they could go back in time they would not have any. They blame having children for ruining their marriages (most divorced at least once).

I honestly do not know any childfree couples who say they regret their decision. They all seem happy, they all have only been married the once and seemingly have happy long lasting marriages (the shortest is 26 years, the longest 55 years).

I don't regret our decision at all but I also think it is better to regret not having children than having them

@SleeplessInEngland are you trying to hint that people aren't being upfront about regrets that they might have?
I can't speak for anyone else but genuinely for me there are none. It's more like reproducing just feels so far off my radar and clearly not something I'd ever be likely to do, it was never a big difficult decision, it wasn't a decision at all, it was just something I had no urge to do, and if I stopped to think about it, there was a strong urge not to, I found the idea horrifying.

I can imagine if you're old and frail maybe wishing you had committed advocates to help look after you, but that's not a guarantee if you have children anyway. And that's such a short part of your life (and hardly the best part!) that it doesn't really seem worth sacrificing decades of your younger life for.

I agree with this. I was initially ambivalent and it could have gone either way - if I hadn’t met my DH I would probably be living childfree with no regrets. But now having had them you can’t explain or imagine what it’s like beforehand and all the genuinely wonderous things about parenthood. Yes it’s hard but the rest completely outweighs it. You can’t regret something you haven’t experienced.

And I also think parents can discuss regretting having children (which can be completely separate from loving/ still enjoying them, because parenting comes with so many complex emotions) as they have seen both sides of the coin so there’s perspective there. It’s a lot easier to know if they regret it either way - childless people haven’t had both experiences to know what they’re missing out on/relieved to not have, so whether or not it was the right decision for them.

So people who don’t regret not having children only feel that way because they don’t know what they are missing out on?

Not myself but I do have a relative who regrets it (late 50s/early 60s). She had a miscarriage and never had any more pregnancies (not sure if intentional or not) but I do know that it hurts her now. She has a happy life, goes abroad multiple times a year, has a partner- but I think she sees those her age with adult children now, and grandchildren, and it hurts her.

You haven’t really experienced both sides of the coin though. Life before children is not the same as life without children.

No, that’s not what I said. It’s in reference to the chat above re many more posts re parents regretting children vs non-parents not having any regrets. It’s harder to have that perspective. I think if I didn’t have children at this point and I looked at friends that did, I would feel relieved I hadn’t had any tbh! But I also wouldn’t know what I had experienced at this point to realise it’s not the same as looking in on someone else’s family.

No regrets at all. I'm in my 60s, no siblings, a DF in his late eighties, so when he goes it will just be me (separated from husband) but I'm okay with that.

Yes it’s hard but the rest completely outweighs it. You can’t regret something you haven’t experienced

This is daft logic.

You could apply it to yourself, eg if you haven't experienced being childfree in your 30s/40s/50s etc, you don't know what you're missing.

I’m early 40s and very happily childfree. Like others here have said, it was never an active choice for me in that I simply never ever wanted children. It wasn’t something I had to mull over, similar to how I never had to actively consider running away and joining the circus.

I can’t identify one positive thing being a mother would bring to my life, but I can identify many many negatives.

I was sterilised at 40, I’d happily have been sterilised many years earlier but I couldn’t find a surgeon willing to do it until I was 40. And when that poor man agreed to do it for me, he was met with me bursting into tears, such was my relief!

Anything from 50 I could take a childless person's word!

Life before kids is in no way comparable to being childless at 50s+

I was never maternal and didn't like children.

Then in my 30s I met my now DH who was just so gorgeous in every way; kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent that I actually started thinking wow, what if we created a little tribe of kind, funny, thoughtful and intelligent people together?!

Sounds a bit narcissistic I know but genuinely, meeting him transformed my life for the better and now we are close to grandparent age and have this amazing warm and cosy magic circle and buffer of love, support and humour that includes all our DC and their friends and partners.

Honestly, family life is what you make of it and I read on here threads which are very upsetting but I don't think happy, contented people necessarily post on forums much as they have better things to do with their time.

So I would say, if there is even a snippet of interest in trying and you have the best, the most loving and fun partner possible then having DC is absolutely wonderful and positively impacts your very soul.

It's 'each to their own ' I think. I never regret having children even though they obviously can be hard work at times just like I was and just like millions of other children are, have been and will continue to be. However my brother and his wife didn't want them, love their independence and don't seem to regret it (and are fantastic aunt and uncle to their various nephews).

People can get very defensive on these discussions in both ways but for me, if you accept the premise that we are all individuals then you accept that everyone has a different viewpoint/philosophy and outlook.

Just a thought to add -

If you regret not having children, it affects you.

If you have children and regret it, it affects you and your children and even possibly their children, if they have any.