To ask if you regret NOT having children

[josil]

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

I also couldn't be a step-parent and have actively avoided that as well.

Thought I didn’t want them, had one extremely late. So glad I did. I had/have a fantastic life of professional fulfilment, travel, adventure etc and the way I see is that if I hadn’t had a child I would have continued to have an entirely fulfilling life. Cuddling my DC is something I had never experienced anything like but the same could be said of flying a light aircraft through Southern Africa which gave me as much of a sense of being alive. So my point is that I would not see it as binary and one being good and the other being bad and try to empirically assess which one you should go for. The simple truth is that we adapt to our lives - obviously there are some extremes at either end but for the most part us humans find a way of being happy. There as so many paths to fulfilment in life, kids is just one of them.

so - if you feel you want to keep trying, do it (it took me 4 years without any fertility treatment) but if you don’t, don’t and see where life leads you.

I couldn’t put it any better myself!

I’m in the age range you asked for OP and no, I have never once regretted having children. In my view there are FAR too many people in the world as it is, and with climate change being roundly ignored, I don’t want to bring anyone into the world who will have to deal with all the many future problems that are in store for the next couple of generations.

My husband and I have a wonderful, busy, very fulfilled life and not having children has been one of the next decisions we ever made.

I knew from been very young ( around 10 ) that I didn't want kids.
My DM&D said I would change my mind but I never had ,they realise by the time I was about 16 that they were wrong before.

I am not at all maternal, if someone presents me with a child of any age under about 10 I have no idea how to act around it.

A animal on the other hand , even if it's a trpe of animal I have never come across before I seem to fairly instinctively know at least a bit about it and what to do

49, always said from teen years I wouldn’t have kids and it’s never happened, my DH would be an amazing dad, but I have zero maternal instinct. Got clucky briefly when friends started producing adorable babies 20 odd years ago, but I am now just a “naughty aunty” figure who’s happy to love and support when needed. No regrets at all.

I am 68 and DH is 64. We talked at length about whether to have children or not when we got married 42 years ago. We decided not to for various reasons.

Neither of us have ever regretted it, not even for a second. As the years have passed we have been more and more sure we made the right decision.

Quite a few of our family and friends are also child free by choice and none of them seem to have regrets either. On the other hand, quite a few of our friends and family with children say although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Oh I should of added I am in my late 40s now

Having children doesn't guarantee they'll be around for you in your old age. That is not a reason to have them, nor a reason to regret not having them.

Very close to the age you ask and absolutely love my life. I decided children weren't for me and really happy.

I'm late 30s so don't fit your criteria but I've never wanted children. I had some fertility testing in my early 30s because everyone kept saying I would change my mind. I'm fertile but still not keen. I thought I might change my mind when I became an aunt but no, still not keen. I find the arguments for having children quite odd (unless it's that you want them - obviously this is a great reason!). I get a lot of people saying I'll regret it, who will look after me in old age etc. I don't think I will regret it, I don't regret any decisions so far. I have enough money to pay for care. You certainly can't rely on your kids turning out a certain way and wanting to look after you when you're bedbound. All my friends have kids and I don't feel left out. I'm just not interested.

#josil I know I’m not the responder you invited but I was in your position. Early thirties, we had been trying for a few years with no luck and made the decision to live child free. After a couple of years I got anxious like you are about our decision so we gave ivf a go. No joy after 4 cycles and tried again to find peace with being child free. We gave it a few years but the anxiety came back and after long discussions we looked into adoption.
Long story short we did adopt a little girl.
I think the anxiety would’ve kept coming back and while we may well have had a wonderful life without children, I thank 38 yr old me daily for not going down that road as I have such joy from dd.
I don’t think you can possibly know what will be the best decision for future you. But either way, you will wonder. And you will make the best of whatever decision you make.
Other peoples’ experiences are other peoples’ experiences. Yours will be yours.

I can understand how older people might regret it in later life, I know someone who feels a bit like this. I have kids and whilst I love them at the moment I'm pretty confident that neither of them will look out for me in my old age. I have two boys aged 12 and 15 and tbh its very obvious that neither of them care about anyone but themselves. I dont regret having them, but my god its hard and at the moment I dont really get anything back.

No regrets at all. I’ve never had a flicker of broodiness and don’t really like children.

I could have chosen to be close to my nephews and nieces - my siblings really wanted it - but I cba. They’re nice enough kids but I have no desire to spend time with them.

No regrets, I'm mid 40's never wanted them and when I see friends and their kids and how hard parenting is I'm glad I didn't have them, plus I don't actually like children and parenting seems a thankless task. Not for me.

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children

Just in case any pp missed it

So sorry you're in that situation. I'd personally really struggle to stay if children were something I really wanted. I know that's probably really frowned upon, I have a friend in the exact same situation (partner had vasectomy prior to them meeting ect..) and I know it plays on her mind a lot whether she should stay or leave.

‘They’ll think differently in the future’ is always a safe way to ensure that you’ll be right, no matter what someone may say about their own life. No, just hand wave to some unspecified future date, because you couldn’t possibly be wrong.I suppose you could apply the same to those happy with children currently, just give them twenty odd years and they’ll see the error of their ways.

OP, in any sort of big decision there will always be a possibly of regretting the road travelled, or yearning for the road not. Fear of regret can very end up easily holding someone in place, scared to make a move. Or it may inspire a panicked reaction and see someone make a very bad decision for themselves. I think you have to accept that you can never 100% guarantee against regret, and choose what is right for you at the time anyway. Short of a crystal ball, that is all you can do.

Personally, I’ve never regretted my decision to not have children. I don’t think it was even a decision really, I always instinctively knew I didn’t want them. Children would only ever be a burden to my life, and how I want to live it. I’ve never questioned that.

Not quite the perspective you’re looking for, but I wanted children but couldn’t have them. Did IVF with no success. Now at 61 I don’t regret not having children, feel I dodged a bullet in many ways. Life is good.

I'm 44. Didn't want children (thought I did in my mid 30s but pretty sure it was FOMO). I love my life. No regrets at all.

I turn 50 in a couple of months and am childfree by choice. I've never regretted it. Sure, I sometimes think it would be nice having a couple of cute little kids around but no where near the extent of being willing to put in all the work and make all the sacrifices. As for not having anyone to look after me when I'm old - I figure I'll have a robot carer (only half joking, they've actually been making massive strides) and I've been able to focus on my career so I'll have a great pension and the ability to pay for carers. I also think that self-driving cars will help me keep my independence for longer. Plus I have lots of hobbies that will keep me busy.

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

One of the biggest (UK) forums with a variety of topics. Same reason I use Reddit, minus the UK bit.

I'm 50s, no children. I spent most of my fertile years not wanting children. I had a blip at the end, but quickly worked out that i still didn't want children. I'm thankful that i had that chance to think again, and decide afresh, though that was a painful process, but everything was in place (good job, good house, loving stable relationship) and I still did not want children. I would have worried about future regret too, but I can be certain it was the right decision. I love my life.

I'm late 60's and never had kids (married twice). I have absolutely no regrets at all about being childless through choice. I was sterilised through choice at 32 to ensure it never happened. I have not one maternal hair on my head and cannot understand why anyone would want to put themselves through pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. The whole process is totally alien to me. I have - and have had - a very fulfilling life. Good career, nice homes, travel, friends and a range of activities and hobbies which keep me physically and mentally active, even at this stage of my life. If having kids isn't for you, then don't do it. Simple. There really is more to life.

I am late 30s, felt very similar to you.

Got pregnant, spent weeks feeling terrible and thinking I’d made a mistake. Read a lot of threads on here about choice.

12 week scan (at which point I still wasn’t sure) showed genetic abnormality and I had to have a termination.

Going through that has made me realise how much I want it. Who knows if it’s too late.