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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret NOT having children

222 replies

josil · 03/06/2022 17:59

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 03/06/2022 22:53

I am in my 60's and right in the middle of both camps. We didn't conceive naturally and discussed getting tests and so on and decided against it. Apart from a wobble at menopause when i faced the fact that "not yet" had become not ever (and I am sure it was thinking with my hormones and not my brain or heart) I have never regretted the decision for one instant. I am widowed now but not lonely. I could have far more of a social life than I do but just don't want it.

Oldenoughtobedead · 03/06/2022 22:58

Never wanted them, never had them, never regretted it.

Sometimes I meet up with friends with kids and it makes me happy I don’t have them. The relentless noise, the constant need for supervision and even when they are older the continual interruptions. I’m surprised so many people want them.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 23:01

I have children ,always wanted them thats great no problem .I know people that never wanted children and thats equally great as they seem to have very fulfilling lives like myself.The op is fearing she will regret it in 10 or 20 years and I think the only person that has the answer is herself not me or anyone else on here.The fact she's been trying for a few years tells its own story really so maybe she needs to think about treatment and see if that will work for her. Sometimes these things are out of our hands

Goldencarp · 03/06/2022 23:03

I don’t think anyone can tell you the answer really. From another perspective I do have children, 3. I love them but honestly wish I’d never had children. I have an older sister who never had children, never wanted them. I really envy her life!

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 23:04

DownToTheSeaAgain · 03/06/2022 22:14

How can you properly regret not having something if you don't know what it feels like to have it?

^this^^

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 03/06/2022 23:05

As I get older I only get more and more certain that the childfree life is for me.

I also become more certain that for every parent who loves it, there's another who secretly would choose not to have children if they could do it all again.

Original poster
josil · 03/06/2022 23:09

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:30

If you feel you will be riddled with regret in 10 or 20 years time then my opinion is just try your best to have a child and if it doesn't happen at least you tried,if you are successful you won't regret it ,I think you are asking the wrong question here as you need to ask people if they regret having them

But those threads always attract only the people that regret having them! So thought I'd spin and see things from another perspective.

Thank you so much for comments so far each and every one is incredibly helpful for me situation - please keep them coming if anyone has anything to add

OP posts:
molehill50 · 03/06/2022 23:10

One of the best bits of advice I was given when I was younger was being told it was my hormones that may want me to have a baby, I needed to make sure my head and heart agreed.

I didn't mind the idea of being a mum but I wasn't right to be a parent. I've never regretted my decision.

Catinabeanbag · 03/06/2022 23:11

I'm 46 and don't have kids. Never wanted them, haven't ever felt any 'urge' or desire to have them, never once questioned it or thought it might be nice.

Hbh17 · 03/06/2022 23:12

Mid 50s, long-term married & no regrets. I did feel "broody" (for want of a better word) in my 30s but I knew that it was a combination of biology/hormones & social pressure - neither of which is a good enough reason to have a baby. Now I'm just relieved that I didn't give in to my emotions, because I see so many people still stressing about their adult children - no thanks!
Because of my husband's job, I don't think children would have been practical for us (even tho most of his colleagues are parents). Actually, it amazes me how many people have children without thinking through the implications.
Life is good with no pressure - being childfree is highly recommended.

Aquafizzle · 03/06/2022 23:14

Had a moment in 30ths when I felt it was expected of me but it didn't happen and I never regretted it. I believe my life is better without children. More freedom, money, order etc. I have god children and relatives who are children which is lovely when I see them but life us very good without children... for me..wouldn't be for everyone.

BloomingPersimmons · 03/06/2022 23:19

Other side of the coin I am almost 50 and regret having them.... Unpopular admission but there it is.

Aquafizzle · 03/06/2022 23:24

Scianel · 03/06/2022 22:38

Dp could change his mind in 20 years when it may be to late for you but if you are sure well that's fine

And your dp could run off with another woman tomorrow. I mean anything could happen really.
But it's still a pretty spiteful thing to say. Why do you have a problem with women not wanting children?

Well said @Scianel .. why would someone make a comment like that, projecting their own insecurities onto another's life choices?

Scianel · 03/06/2022 23:25

OP another reason I'm very relieved I never wanted children (and I never felt so much as a twinge of broodiness, my hormones just made me want sex really), was that I had a pretty catastrophic health episode a few years ago which has had a long-term impact and I dread to think how hard that would have been with children, as it was it turned my and DH previously easy lives upside down for a time.

In my support group, parents of small children wind up in great distress not being able to be what they consider a proper parent to their children.

Hopefully this isn't a situation you'll ever find yourself in, but be aware that any big hurdles or life catastrophes will be a lot harder to contend with if you have children in the mix. Even stuff like a reduction of household income as far easier to manage when it's just adults.

Dragonfly97 · 03/06/2022 23:26

I'm in agreement with PlanetNormal; I've never felt maternal. DH is happy if I'm happy; I love our life as just the two of us. I'll meet old age as it comes, and not expect family to care for me, as my parents expected me to take on their care. Life is so interesting and the world so full of amazing things, I've never felt the need for a child. Not interested in babies, never have been. I prefer my dog. Everyone is different, childfree people are doing the world a favour by not adding to over - population.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 03/06/2022 23:31

I’m 51, no kids, never wanted them, absolutely no regrets.

Mellowyellow222 · 03/06/2022 23:47

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/06/2022 18:16

Not me- but my aunt- didn’t have children because her partner already had older children. They had a nice life, holidays, ate out lots, lots of lay ins- never upsized from their flat as no need. Husband died and aunt now says she regrets not having kids. Is having to move into a retirement property but having never scaled up she doesn’t have a big budget, lives off 1 pension.
She is lucky that she has nieces and nephews and we check in on her but I’ll be honest I wouldn’t go to lengths I would for my mum (if she was alive)- I’d never have her live with me, help her financially or call her daily etc.

To be honest if the only motivation to have children is for someone to call you in your eighties then don’t bother!

also the financial stuff is irrelevant - so specific to this individual lady.

i don’t have children and I find the tone of this lady’s post depressingly similar. The ‘well she had her selfish little life not look at her now’ comments about the lie ins!!

i am 44 - don’t make your age cut - didn’t have children becomes I never wanted them. The lifestyle never appealed to me (and I don’t enjoy a lie-in so sorry!!).

but I do have a friend who tried some fertility treatments, they didn’t work and who now wishes she had done a few more.

it’s a really rough decision - would counselling help your weigh this up?

Bojoneedstogo · 03/06/2022 23:50

my husband wanted children. I really had no interest. So we thought we’d see what happened. We had one. Tried for a second, miscarried, and then I was too old to try again. Having children is hard. I worry every day that I’ve ruined her. I worry about bringing her into this horrible world. I worry that she’s a lonely only. I worry that she’ll turn out like me. I worry that she knows that I didn’t really want a child. I worry that she knows that i’m a terrible mother. I love her, but my life would definitely be easier without her.

TheOGCCL · 03/06/2022 23:58

You kind of get three broad types of comments on these types of threads:

  1. I always knew I wanted kids and am so glad I have them, despite the challenges. My children are my joy, and even my life
  2. I wasn't sure but gave it a go, often reasonably late. These are high stakes as many say 'oh my god, how did I not realise how enriched my life would be with kids and I wish I'd started earlier' but others end up quite shell shocked and, although don't really regret doing it (there are lots of good things about having kids) they would have been perfectly fine without
  3. I knew kids weren't for me and overall I am happy with my decision

With regard to #2, you just need to work out if you want kids because you want to pour love and affection into a new human and give them the best life possible (and let them be whoever they are, not use them as a chance to redo your own regrets) and not because a) you think it will 'fix' something in your own life or b) society's signals that it would be the thing to do

Oh and then the odd ridiculous poster asking why childfree/less women are on here which is truly ridiculous.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 04/06/2022 00:00

@Tiredalwaystired

I’m intrigued to know - for everyone who never wanted children and has never regretted it…why did you choose Mumsnet as a platform of choice?

I would dearly love there to be a 'Womansnet', so that I didn't have to read all of the parent-centred guff on here, but there isn't. So I'm stuck with Mumsnet - the only dedicated space for women on the Internet, that I'm aware of.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 04/06/2022 00:04

I'm only 38, but I know I won't regret not having kids because to regret that decision would be to look back over my life and decide I didn't know my own mind every single day for several decades.

Ameliarosethistle · 04/06/2022 00:08

Gensola · 03/06/2022 20:44

I’m 37 and it looks like I won’t ever have children - we have tried 5 rounds of IVF and my DH has had his vasectomy reversed but no luck. He doesn’t want to do sperm donor so that’s it. I am very conflicted about it if I am honest - we have spent £30,000 on IVF, all because he had a vasectomy in a past relationship. I have no fertility issues. 😞

Wow, how awful for you. Could you not revisit the sperm donor route or even embryo adoption?

Ameliarosethistle · 04/06/2022 00:09

I'm just reading this thread for reference (currently early-mid 30s, no kids and no husband/long-term partner and feeling sorry for myself!). I hope you can make the decision that is right for you OP.

SRS29 · 04/06/2022 00:17

Bojoneedstogo · 03/06/2022 23:50

my husband wanted children. I really had no interest. So we thought we’d see what happened. We had one. Tried for a second, miscarried, and then I was too old to try again. Having children is hard. I worry every day that I’ve ruined her. I worry about bringing her into this horrible world. I worry that she’s a lonely only. I worry that she’ll turn out like me. I worry that she knows that I didn’t really want a child. I worry that she knows that i’m a terrible mother. I love her, but my life would definitely be easier without her.

Jeez I seriously hope you're more positive and charming to your child, poor thing 🙄

Redouble · 04/06/2022 07:07

I never actively wanted children, but then I got married and thought it would be the next step, although I kept thinking should I/shouldn't I.

I was very torn. Some moments I thought "Yes, definitely" but these were only moments, and the majority of days I thought about everything I would have to sacrifice.

Anyway, DH and I tried, but nothing happened. I got caught up in it for a few years, and after tests etc we were offered IVF, high chance of success. Both DH and I decided not to proceed with fertility treatment, and actively decided to stay childfree. Hardest decision I've ever had to make!

I'm so relieved now, every day I feel lucky and privileged - my time is my own, I am worry/stress free, I can book holidays at short notice, spontaneously go to restaurants, cinema, gigs, shows, see friends. I love having a quiet, peaceful home, my relationship with DH is wonderful.

My friends with children are all quite limited either time or money wise (even with adult DC) and I don't envy their stress levels. They worry about everything to do with their DC, from their health and education to future prospects, a few of their kids are diagnosed with autism or ADHD and the extra lengths they have to go to, parenting wise, is not something I've got in me! One friend's daughter was tragically in an accident and will now always need care. My friend had to give up her career and although she does her best, her younger two don't get the attention/time she'd like to give, it's heartbreaking to see how much her life has changed.

This world is a tough one. And things feel like they're getting tougher for each new generation - I don't regret not bringing another human into this existence.

No regrets at all here.