To ask if you regret NOT having children

[josil]

I'm looking for perspectives from those who made an active decision to not have children - not those that couldn't or didn't find the right person.

If anyone is out there that decided after thought it wasn't right for them even though they could have children (even potentially with fertility treatment assistance) I'd like to hear from you if you have any regrets.

Ideally from those who are 50+. Sorry to be specific but I'm really struggling here with potential parenthood.

I have tried to conceive three years now and while I haven't had any treatment yet I'm trying to weigh up whether I should just draw a line under it. Motherhood I don't think suits me for many reasons but also some aspects of it I know is really like.

But I just cannot feel the courage to say I'm not having them as I feel I will be riddled with complete regret in 10-20 years from now hence why I'm after perspectives.

Oh excellent. You are here for the transphobia 👍🏻🙄

I think that if you really like kids, I can understand that you wouldn't mind rearranging your life to accomodate them. I think the problem lies in not being sure or thinking it's a milestone you need to hit. Then you have them without doing research and are completely overwhelmed with the impact just even one kid has on your life.

I also get really angry when other people try to pressure someone into having kids or having more kids. It's not good for would-be parents and it's not good for the resulting kids.

That’s a very strange conclusion to draw..

The OP has specifically asked people who made a conscious decision not to have children whether they regret that decision. I don’t think it’s that surprising that the majority of people who fall into that category say they don’t regret it, especially when most of those people responding aren’t the very elderly and so are, broadly speaking, living much the same life they were living when the decision was made. They didn’t have to imagine what their life would be like without children as they were already living that life and they were happy with it. Maybe, as a few PPs have said, some of them will regret it much later when life is very different to how it was when they made their decision, and when family may seem more important. Or maybe they won’t and will continue to be happy in their decision.

By contrast, people who have children cannot possibly know for sure what their lives will be like after they have them because they’ve never experienced it. They can know with all their hearts that having children is something they want, but it is clear that many people simply don’t appreciate how overwhelmingly different life will be after.

The idea that, as a group, people without children are being less honest on an anonymous forum in reply to a question they had no obligation to answer is very odd.

Had the OP asked for the views of all people without children, through circumstance as well as choice, the answers would be very different I’m sure, just as had she’d asked ‘do you regret having children’ the vast majority would of course say no.

I don't for a minute regret not having children, I never give it a second thought really. I knew I didn't want them, met and married someone who also didn't want them and we just got on with our lives.
I can't imagine why as someone has suggested that I'll regret it in my 70s.

@Costacoffeeplease im also here as the forum
is GC and because it has some of the best tips for everything and anything! It’s an amazing source of knowledge and has helped me fix several issues I’ve come across in life.

I do have a child too, as it happens, and use it for tips for parenting as well.

An all-round great resource and I think if some of the brilliant, funny, articulate women on this forum ran the country it’d look a fucking huge state better than it does right now. All while knowing the answer to a question about what their kid’s favourite story is, you know?

HTH.

I have 3 colleagues (M55, F54, F44) who are childless from choice (we're close and these things get discussed). None of them regret their choices at all. They all have lovely lives (they each do have a long term partner) with great holidays, relaxing weekends etc.
I have young adult children, have found parenting relatively easy and extremely enjoyable and would hugely have regretted not having them.
But my colleagues have genuinely happy and fulfilled lives so I can definitely see the other side too.
I think that it's sadder that some people feel societal pressure to have children than it is to make a decision not to have any. I feel like society is becoming a bit more accepting of this - 20 years ago I had a colleague who was child free by choice and everyone kept saying it was sad and she would regret it whereas people don't comment like that now with my current colleagues. (By the way she absolutely did not. She retired early, traveled all over the world with her husband and is still thoroughly enjoying life in her 70s).

Nope. I knew at the age of 5 I didn't want children, I'm now almost 38 and still just as selfish and happy to admit it! For the life of me I will never understand why people have children, they completely swamp your life. People say to me "who is going to look after you when you get old?" Now I'm a self confessed arsehole but even I wouldn't create a human being purely to wipe my arse when I'm old!

I know! I find the ‘who will look after you when you’re old’ argument to have kids utterly bizarre!

a) because there is no guarantee that your offspring would do this for you. They may not want to, they may have emigrated and live abroad, you might not be close, may even have little or no contact

b) not all people want family to do their care when they get older! A lot of people I know, do not want their family to bear witness to the indignities of old age. It’s more bearable to have a stranger wipe their arse than someone they know.

Yeah that argument about when you get old is an odd one isn't it.

I see lots of people who live miles and miles away from their elderly parents as well as those that simply never visit.

I also think that knowing you have to fend for yourself in old age changes your outlook from the start. I am already in a house that is fine for mobility issues in old age and although we are looking at possibly moving location of hospitals, amenities, bus routes and being relatively infirm is top of the list. Buying in help is another thing that we have considered well before we need to. I think some people assume that their children will do all of that but as we know it's by no means guaranteed they will.

I’m 48 & not having kids was one of the best decisions I ever made.

OP, the bingo card for these threads always includes:

a) ‘Why are non-parents on Mumsnet?’ question (my answer - for the feminism)

b) My neighbour’s cousin’s hairdresser’s aunt always said she didn’t want kids, then changed her mind and either a) was too late & regrets it terribly or b) had one in the nick of time & Has Never Known Love Like It.

c) If you’re not sure about having kids, just have the one & it will still be like being childfree. (Yes, posters on previous threads really have said this).

My aunt and uncle both chose not to have children. They've both lived all over the world and had amazing and very full lives so far. They spend lots of time with nieces and nephews and have no regrets. I'm not sure that you should have children just to have someone look after you in your old age 🤪 as a previous poster suggested. That would be incredibly selfish.

I have kids and I rarely use Mumsnet for that reason myself. It's just a great forum for discussing all manner of topics. As far as this topic is concerned, only the individual can ever know how they will feel from not having children and no amount of personal experience can be a decisive factor for another individual. I would think though that if one had any doubts then it wouldn't necessarily be wise to carry on regardless. I totally understand people not wanting to have kids but it breaks my heart seeing people say that they regret having them as the poor child didn't choose to be brought into the world. My kids can drive me up the wall at times (just as I did with my parents I hasten to add) but I never regret having them and love them without condition.

61, married for nearly 30 years, no children and no regrets.

The argument that your children will be there to care for you in old age doesn't stand up. Just look at threads on here. Time and time again, failure to fall over yourself to provide childcare for grandchildren is met with a chorus of "pull back", "go low or no contact", "hope parents aren't expecting care when they get old(er)!"

Just another reason not to regret no children. My life wouldn't be my own - expectations seem to be never-ending even when said children have their own offspring. No thank you.

As a general rule I think people who are childfree by choice think much more about their decision than the average person who chooses to have children, because they are going against a societal norm.

There are no figures that distinguish the percentage of childfree by choice and people who wanted to have children but were unable to, however 20% of women in the UK are without children by the time their childbearing years end. Factor in that a significant proportion of that 20% will have wanted them but been unable to to have them, and we might be a minority of as little as 10% - 15%.

So, as in the OP's case, it is a decision you think about even if your gut instinct is strongly not to have them. When you are so definitely going against the grain, and often facing pressure from friends/family about your decision, it really is a strong choice; as opposed to deciding to have children in a society which is geared up to expect this.

Or for a TLDNR - no one ever asks the question 'Why did you have children?'

Early sixties. Knew from childhood that I never wanted children. Biggest blessing of my life was meeting my husband who felt the same. Never regretted it. We have nephews and nieces we have been able to spoil. Don't worry about old and along. You surely don't have kids just to have someone guilted into vising you in a care home.
We have a fantastic marriage because we have been able to concentrate on us.

The argument that your children will be there to care for you in old age doesn't stand up.

To add to this, whatever funds you have, including your house if applicable, can be used to pay for your own care - there's no supporting DC with university costs/their house deposit/wedding/first car to make inroads to your money, and no need to worry about leaving an inheritance. On the contrary, I shall be disappointed if I die with any money left as I have no one to leave it to unless I predecease my husband and sister.

So many replies on this thread from posters relaying other peoples experience when I'm not sure they can really know what they feel.

That’s standard on threads like this.

@whumpthereitis

‘They’ll think differently in the future’ is always a safe way to ensure that you’ll be right, no matter what someone may say about their own life. No, just hand wave to some unspecified future date, because you couldn’t possibly be wrong.I suppose you could apply the same to those happy with children currently, just give them twenty odd years and they’ll see the error of their ways.

Literally everyone I know that told me in their teens and twenties that they never wanted children, went on to have (often multiple) children. I think that that's where it comes from. So very many people DO change their minds so it is difficult to see who really knows their own mind or who doesn't. The one couple that did stay childless by choice actually weren't that outspoken about it at that age.

Oh I agree that people can and do change their minds, but it’s the inference that they will that inspires the eye rolls. The world is bigger than any one social circle, and you can’t extrapolate your individual experience into an absolute.

And the possibility of someone changing their mind doesn’t always need to be pointed out ad nauseam, as if people aren’t already aware. Generally people don’t respond to pregnancy announcement with cautions of future remorse, or tell parents that while they may be happy now, given it twenty years and the regret will likely kick in. At best it’s patronising.

Started on the decision process very early (mid teens) and no regrets 40 years on. In fact, the more I see the way the world's going, the happier I am with my decision.

I like my quiet, peaceful, clean and tidy home, my strong, equal relationship with my DH.

If we had had children, we would have loved them, done our absolute best to ensure their lives were secure, comfortable, safe, given up on our wants to ensure their needs were met, been supportive emotionally and materially. But having to do the daily grind, and especially spend time with other people's children would have taken too heavy a toll. And the worry! Nope, not for me.

I'd far rather regret not having children (which I don't), than regret having them.

Ah, you regret having children and so are defensive and jealous to those who didn't make the same mistake. Interesting.

I don’t fit your criteria exactly as at 36 I tried IVF. It failed and as a now 50 yr old I’m not upset it did. Although at the time I was devastated.
I enjoy being child free and the freedom. My husband has two children and they challenged me beyond belief and made me much more glad to not have had children than before I met him.

It’s always funny when it’s suggested that we have a worse grasp and understanding of ourselves than internet strangers.

I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for some to comprehend two people can make vastly different choices in life and yet both end up happy. I don’t want children in my life, yet I’m not incapable of understanding that someone else can choose to have them and be overjoyed with that. Not sure if it is misery loves company or a desperate need to have their own choices approved. Like they’re not validated unless everyone else makes the same one. The fact that the vast majority do make the same one in this case isn’t good enough, no, it’s has to be the right choice for everyone.