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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

240 replies

Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:28

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

  1. Was that rude?
  2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
  3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
  4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
  5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)
Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 03/06/2022 16:31

Entirely up to the two of you when you marry.

Carrotten · 03/06/2022 16:31

Because you are engaged? You've essentially told them all you are getting married and then aren't getting married, they are probably excited

I would say that over 2 years of being engaged without even starting to plan suggests one of you doesn't actually want to get married.

Carrotten · 03/06/2022 16:32

It's totally fine if you don't want to get married just yet, but I don't think its that strange your family keep asking given the fact you've told them you are

Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:34

Carrotten · 03/06/2022 16:31

Because you are engaged? You've essentially told them all you are getting married and then aren't getting married, they are probably excited

I would say that over 2 years of being engaged without even starting to plan suggests one of you doesn't actually want to get married.

Aunt Mavis is that you?? 🤣

OP posts:
pinkyboots1 · 03/06/2022 16:35

My lovely bloke proposed on Saturday (we've been together 14 years but we've always been happy as we are) and the amount of quite rude comments we've received is bizarre... I think more and more people think they're entitled to say what they want and when. I don't think yours is a particularly long engagement especially factoring in Covid! Have your gorgeous holiday and silently tell them to 'go screw themselves' while wishing them the day they deserve. Do it your way and in the way you wish ❤️

Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:36

I didn’t realise there was a deadline, I honestly think 2 years isn’t long?

Why assume one of us doesn’t want to get married, why not maybe that both of us have decided we are getting married but want to do it when it suits us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:39

pinkyboots1 · 03/06/2022 16:35

My lovely bloke proposed on Saturday (we've been together 14 years but we've always been happy as we are) and the amount of quite rude comments we've received is bizarre... I think more and more people think they're entitled to say what they want and when. I don't think yours is a particularly long engagement especially factoring in Covid! Have your gorgeous holiday and silently tell them to 'go screw themselves' while wishing them the day they deserve. Do it your way and in the way you wish ❤️

Thanks @pinkyboots1 and ooh congrats! 💐We have been together 6 and I know what it’s like but imagine after 14 years you have heard it all and are just tired of it all now!

OP posts:
Shudacudawuda · 03/06/2022 16:39

We were engaged for years! We just didn't feel the need to rush.

How about you get hitched in Vegas while on your trip without telling anyone, that'll really set the cat amongst the pigeons.

RandomMess · 03/06/2022 16:39

I completely get that Covid has thrown a massive spanner in the works but did you get engaged to get married or to be engaged?

Long engagements give the appearance that either no marriage is intended or it's going to be some ridiculously expensive unaffordable wedding.

I think they were rude to ask though.

Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:40

Shudacudawuda · 03/06/2022 16:39

We were engaged for years! We just didn't feel the need to rush.

How about you get hitched in Vegas while on your trip without telling anyone, that'll really set the cat amongst the pigeons.

Do you know we have considered this 🤣

OP posts:
maddy68 · 03/06/2022 16:41

It's not rude it's conversation

DeedlessIndeed · 03/06/2022 16:43

In other circumstances, I might start to wonder at the 2yr point, whether a wedding would ever happen or if there had been either a change of heart or change of circumstances.

Given there has been a pandemic though I'd disregard that, and probably consider you both prudent for post-poning until the world settles back down again.

Commenting at all would be extremely rude though.

MrsMikeWazowski · 03/06/2022 16:44

I personally think long engagements are pointless, but it's each couple's business and I'd never actually say that to anyone!

I know covid has disrupted so many things, but life does have to go on around it, it has been years. My sister didn't want a long engagement or the risk of covid disruption so is flying to Vegas soon with just her fiancé. My son's godparents had a tiny ceremony as soon as they could in late 2020 and a larger blessing in 2021 (100 out of 150 people made it, it was wonderful!). My own wedding had only half the guests in attendance due to covid!! And my son was planned and born during the pandemic.

RandomMess · 03/06/2022 16:44

Oh a Vegas wedding, why not save you loads of dosh?

Perhaps your Mum is concerned that is the plan?

ThreeLittleDots · 03/06/2022 16:46

YANBU and they are being very demanding and rude. Who gives a fuck what "impression" anyone is getting. They ought to wind their necks in. Tell Mavis to be patient for her free meal and booze!

PaintingClocks · 03/06/2022 16:48

I think people should be engaged for however long they want to be. For some couples they get engaged as that is the next step they want to take in their relationship but life/money/other things get in the way. I wouldn’t assume it meant one of you didn’t want to be married, if it was a member of my family or a friend I don’t think I’d actually care

glittereyelash · 03/06/2022 16:49

Honestly don't let the comments bother people always have an opinion on what you should be doing. Once your married it will be when are you having a baby. I was engaged for many years then planned the wedding very last minute then waited several years to have a child. People had so many opinions during that time and I ignored them all to live my own life the way I wanted.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 03/06/2022 16:49

Personally I find long engagements a little pointless as "engaged" doesn't really mean anything without a wedding on the horizon.

But it's your life and your choice and I would never dream of commenting unless someone asked me what I thought.

Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:51

glittereyelash · 03/06/2022 16:49

Honestly don't let the comments bother people always have an opinion on what you should be doing. Once your married it will be when are you having a baby. I was engaged for many years then planned the wedding very last minute then waited several years to have a child. People had so many opinions during that time and I ignored them all to live my own life the way I wanted.

Oh I’m already asked that. I think some people have just skipped the wedding one now 🤣

Funny, DP never gets these questions 🤔

When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having a baby? The life tick box for a woman 🤣

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 03/06/2022 16:51

It’s curious that both your mum and your friend have picked up a vibe that your DP might not really want to get married.

The whole point of being engaged is that you’re engaged to be married so I don’t understand the whole “we’re engaged to be married - at some unspecified point in the distant future” (especially by couples who make a big deal about announcing the proposal/engagement).

Two years down the line I’d be thinking one of you isn’t really that into it, or it was more about getting engaged for a bit of attention, or it was about giving a nice ring to keep one of you quiet.

Rainbowshine · 03/06/2022 16:53

Perhaps having a comeback comment about how the wedding industry is catching up on two years of work so venues etc aren’t available or cost more would make them realise that weddings aren’t thrown together in five minutes and do cost a ridiculous amount of money these days. Or “actually we’re thinking of going abroad for it” would probably provoke a reaction if that’s what you want. Perhaps they want a family get together but at someone else’s expense and bother to organise!

Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:53

It’s curious that both your mum and your friend have picked up a vibe that your DP might not really want to get married.

I think they assume every woman is dying to get married asap, so if we aren’t doing that, it can’t be me, has to be DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubarubrub · 03/06/2022 16:56

Two years down the line I’d be thinking one of you isn’t really that into it, or it was more about getting engaged for a bit of attention, or it was about giving a nice ring to keep one of you quiet.

Wow that’s quite sexist. Of course the ‘ring to keep someone quiet’ has to be pointed at me, that quite an assumption.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 03/06/2022 16:57

I think yanbu to be annoyed about the comments given covid has delayed things, but the fact that you are now prioritising a holiday over a wedding is strange so the comments are understandable. At that point I'd assume the couple were having cold feet. No wonder your mum is worried. She wants you to be happy.

Nutellaspoon · 03/06/2022 16:59

Get married on holiday. Job done.