“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

And this is exactly why I would never get engaged.

People’s compulsion to get involved in other people’s love lives is utterly bizarre.

I don’t give a fuck, THEY give the fuck! That’s the problem

They’re the ones bringing it up all the time.

they don’t understand what you mean by “being engaged”. If it’s some airy fairy weee going to marry at some point, that’s not what most people mean by “engaged”. I mean you might talk about it between the two of you but most people wouldn’t share that. It’s a bit like saying “we’re going to have a baby” and then being surprised when people are confused by you saying you’ll probably have unprotected sex in a few years but you want to go on holiday first. Just explain that when you said engaged you weren’t planning on getting married any time soon. They’ll think you’re odd but stop talking about it.

Good idea.

You could, if you wanted to, have a civil ceremony/blessing plus party afterwards with family/friends if you felt like it. 🌹

That’s amazing, good for you! 👏🏻

Have you thought about getting married during your road trip? We combined our trip of a lifetime with a wedding just for us. There are some stunning City Halls (hello San Francisco!) and in other states it can literally just be the two of you without an officiant or witnesses (like Colorado).

DH and I had a long engagement before realising it was just the faff of organising and paying for a wedding that put us off. Organising our road trip and elopement was enjoyable so we did it pretty quickly. I was far less interesting in trying to cost up catering and table hire and all the other stuff when trying to put on a party for everyone else.

It does seem like a long engagement to me, but I've known people engaged far longer, some wearing rings far longer, without actually making anything legal. I've never thought to ask about it, I assume as adults they know what benefits they're hoping for, but yeah I get why some might have questions if they're really interested in it and are used to shorter engagements.

I also get why it's annoying to have people comment on it and not understand your choices, but it's not always with that tick list. No one ever asked when I was getting married or having kids, I think it was largely thought I wouldn't until I did, and when I did announce my first pregnancy at 17ish weeks, my mother's response was basically why the fuck would you do that, don't do that again (so instead of being asked when I'm having another, I kept being asked about birth control. That was very annoying if possibly less common controlling question).

Since being engaged is fairly meaningless (in as much as you can be engaged and never get married, or get married without ever getting engaged), you could always WhatsApp everyone with "Following a lot of comments about the excessive length of our engagement, we have agreed to cancel the engagement for now. We are still together, just moving at our own pace not extended family's desired pace." Then, when you're ready, book a wedding and send out invitations.

Even with COVID, i would have started planning, picked a dte in 2023 or whenever and got some deposits paid.

I think a 2 year engagement with no movement on an actual wedding being planned is weird and is different to a 2/3 year engagement when there is a wedding date booked in.

We were delayed due to covid but within 2 months of getting engaged we had our venue and date booked, in the end instead of gettig married 18 months after engagement it was 3 years later due to covid, but there was always a wedding day actually planned

Oh and for vegas.. my sister did it and booked a wedding in the desert rather than a chapel. It was a package deal with hair, makeup, flowers, photographer etc. it looked absolutely stunning.

If someone I knew had been engaged 2, nearly 2.5 years, without even sending out a “save the date” I would probably be sceptical about whether the wedding was actually going to happen - I think that’s probably influenced by seeing all the “Facebook engagements” over the years that have never amounted to anything.

But I wouldn’t care/be rude enough to question them 🤷🏻‍♀️ Their choice.

Haven't RTFT. My nephew and his girlfriend who'd been going out for four years got engaged five years ago. They've lived together most of that time. It doesn't matter a jot to me whether they cohabit or marry, but getting engaged does come with the expectation that marriage is on the cards a some point, surely? Why get engaged otherwise?

To be fair after holiday is a bit vague. Most of your life will be after the wedding.

i would guess family are expecting you to priories something else after that.

It was ‘after the pandemic’, then ‘after the holiday’. I don’t think you are wrong, but I guess I can understand why they think it’s probably not going to happen.

Just to clarify. They'd been going out for four years (and living together for three) when they got engaged. They got engaged five years ago.

And once you're married you can look forward to the kids question lol

But you're the woman telling everyone your business.

You're coming across as a bit woe is me and the only woman in the village.

As a few PPs have said, they probably don't give half as many fucks as you think they might, so don't worry about it.

Do it! A Los Vegas wedding would be great fun and think of the money you'll save.

I was engaged for two years and had no children planned four years after the wedding. Just imagine the intrusive comments I got. I replied quite….robustly. But still the comments came.

Weddings and pregnancies make other people insane. Ignore them and do exactly as you please. And do not be afraid to tell them to butt out and bugger off.

This pretty much.

People aren’t that invested in other people’s weddings for the most part, they’re just making idle conversation.

It’s natural to assume that once a couple get engaged, they have a vague plan of when they want to get married. Especially if they’re of an older generation where long engagements were much less common.

Don't rush. The second you get married you'll start getting asked when you're having kids.

I was engaged for 5 years BTW. We saved to get a house together before saving to get married.

Tell Aunty Beryl she can buy a new hat in a few years.

There are posts here most weeks from posters who have been engaged for years but whose partners are dragging their heels about actually getting married.

You are 'engaged to be married'. People who care about you, especially your mother, may be concerned if there is no sign of marriage.

Do you remember the small event of the global pandemic, which meant people could plan weddings til the cows came home, but not have them because those who set dates had to cancel anyway?

I’m mostly with you, however there’s a bit of me that thinks if you are going to do the whole “getting formally engaged and telling everyone performance”, you can’t then be put out when people are invested / waiting for you to let them know when the wedding is..
but then that might be my counter cultural attitudes towards engagement. it just seems like such a bizarrely formal (btw quite sexist since you seem bothered about sexism) relic from the past. If people want to get married, all they need to do is mutually agree (which is presumably how things work in practice these days anyway) and then plan a wedding 💁🏼‍♀️
No need for all the formal engagement performance and attention.

We have been engaged since 2010 so no your engagement def doesn't seem long to me!

This.

None of other people's business and you should tell them so. I personally can't see any points of engagement that lasts for years, why not to wait to get engaged? However what you do with you life is absolutely none of my business and I would never dream of expressing my opinion unless asked directly (which you did with your post)