“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

"get married without ever getting engaged"

Except in Las Vegas you can't really get married without some kind of agreement beforehand that you will get married ie an engagement.

Wtf?

If this is the holiday of a lifetime, could it be your honeymoon? You could have a simple ceremony here before you travel.

I would wonder about the big road trip before getting married. I had a year long engagement which I thought was quite long so I could have a summer wedding. It still rained!

They are properly just making small talk. I don't imagine they really give a rats-arse to be honest. Nothing to get so upset about!

It's none of their business, but having said that I think long engagements are pointless really. We were engaged for three months.

There’s no time limit. DP’s parents have been engaged for 26 years!

Enjoy your holiday ps if your route takes you past Utah I’d definitely recommend Bryce Canyon, I’d never really heard of it before visiting and it blew me away!

It's not really any of their business when you decide to get married..... I've been engaged since 2010 and absolutely no plans for marriage just yet...more important things to spend money on at the moment!...... I see the ring as a sign of commitment to my other half..... So no, 2 years is not long in my opinion!

Lots of bizarre comments on this thread including from the OP. "Being engaged" does not mean anything in law! If one of you gets hit by a bus tomorrow, you're nothing to each other in law - just mates.

In your circumstances especially as you imply you're trying for a baby (!) and planning a big holiday on another continent, it'd be far more sensible to simply bite the bullet and get married sooner rather than later. If the worst happens it would be so much easier if your relationship were legally recognized. You don't need a big wedding or any wedding at all really, if you want to get married you just spend the £200 or so for the certificate and the minimum ceremony.

We didn’t get engaged. We just went to the registry office and booked a date. They never asked for proof of an engagement ring, a proposal story or a party when we were interviewed. We’re both not interested in that kind of faff and still don’t see the point. We don’t wear our wedding rings, I haven’t changed my name, we did what suited us and we didn’t waste a load of money trying to impress other people. We invited all of our friends children to the wedding too. 😁 It was a great day.

I can understand a small bit if there are family members a long way away, who would have to use holiday from work to attend, who want to make sure they have that leave available. However, none of these seem to be reasons for the comments you've had.

I think its rude.
It is no one's business.
Asking donyou think he really wants to marry you?
Rude.

Your road trip US a great opportunity to go to Vegas and get it done.

When you return he you can say the remarks helped you decide to just get it over with.

No palaver at all.

Ive been engaged for a while ( 3 years) as covid but also we want t a big party and wish to spread the cost rather than get in debt for 1 day.

We got engaged pre-pandemic and got married during the pandemic, less than a year later. If you want to get married, you can get married. If you don’t yet want to get married, then don’t. It’s up to you whether you get married, not anyone else 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not a long engagement, i have been engaged for 9 years. We needed ivf to have to children and were not eligible for NHS treatment, we prioritised the ivf and also getting a house. it's taken 7 years and 50k to have the children. Now I don't want a showy expensive wedding, just going to either do a registry wedding with no after party or book a holiday and elope.

We needed ivf to have to children and were not eligible for NHS treatment, we prioritised the ivf and also getting a house

But this is very different to prioritising a holiday.

Im glad your IVF was successful and you got your children. IVF is a miracle and I’m so, so glad it can enable couples to become parents. The concept of what fertility medicine can achieve is mind blowing and what a significant difference it can make to so many couples, or women if they are doing it alone.

And I hope you have a lovely wedding when it happens too - it will be the icing on the cake.

I really don't see the point in getting engaged without getting married. It takes something away from the engagement. All you are really doing is saying that some day you may get married.

I think it's fair to ask questions about whether something is amiss if after 2.5 years there is no sign of a wedding

I agree OP, there's nothing more frustrating than the assumption that we women don't have anything else to do with our time other than wait for a ring.

Aunt Mavis et al would have loved us. We were 'engaged' for five years when life and other priorities got in the way: at the end of that time we simply eloped.

If I were you, I'd stop off in Vegas as part of the US road trip and marry there!

Ok but why do you care if other people are doing this or see it differently to you? This is your opinion, why do you think it’s OK to foist it on someone who has clearly stated they are happy with the choices they’ve made?

You're entitled to be engaged for at long as you like, I've been engaged for 28 years! For the record we probably won't get married but it was more a sign of commitment.
People aren't happy until you conform but it's no ones business but yours abd your DP

Do this. People are being rude. It's your wedding and marriage.

There are still some basic financial plus points such as some death benefits payable to the wife/husband or legal partner and not to an unmarried partner.

Why don’t you get married and then go on honeymoon?
I imagine they were just making conversation. No one really cares that much about other people’s relationships!

Personally don’t understand long engagements ( past 5ish years). I do think in most cases it’s just to keep one person happy.

You'd think so, wouldn't you? Why should anyone care about others' relationships? But they clearly do, or they wouldn't be queueing up on this thread to tell other women what they do or don't consider the acceptable parameters of a bona fide engagement, or speculate as to the possible motivation of someone else's partner who they've never met and don't know from Adam.

It's the same sort of mentality that tries to put women back in our boxes for daring to marry but not relinquish our own family name into the bargain.

As for those asking childless women when they will be having babies, whether they're family or otherwise this takes a special kind of insensitive idiot. I often find that those who ask personal questions about others' fertility or sex lives are first to take office when you ask the same thing of them. QED.

In normal circumstances I wouldn't understand why someone would get engaged and not married in two years.

The whole point of an engagement is that you get married.

However Covid and things have been in the way ...

We got married and spent money on a wedding, however I wish we'd have traveled America and got married in Vagas at the end ...

Spend more money on your trip OP, and get married in Vagas , then have a small gathering in th UK ...